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Friday, March 25, 2022

Have We all Become Comfortably Numb?


 Hello? Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone home? 

Have we reached the point of complete apathy? Late February and early March brought some terrible news, our planet is is crisis (Covid might be just symptom), a country invaded. Master couldn't shield the slave from all the terrible news. He had to explain it. For once He simply lacked any words. He patted mouse's head and told her, "We can only do the best we can." 'Safe,' He reminded is a relative term. 

Our home, or rather Master's Home is His sanctuary or used to be, but that was before He was home all the time. He struggles now, silently, at first enjoying the free time to read whatever He wished. Then He began taking on a small project (something fun to work on He explained), which led to another. His semi-retired self isn't so semi retired now. He took on a bigger project. Nothing He can't handle, but very time consuming. The book He had started reading was abandoned because He doesn't have time for fun. Master is who He is. When we'd summer at the lake, He would need to pull himself from work. He'd work so hard in preparation to take that much time off and work just as hard when He returned to it two months later (really it was about 5 or 6 weeks but it was supposed to be two months). He just couldn't unplug from it for that long. Still, very much like this pattern, He eased into lake life, eventually forgetting to constantly check His phone (probably because also cell service is spotty), relaxed, lived nicely in those moments before restlessness kicked in and He found Himself, once again looking at His phone. 

How does sanctuary evolve into just another space? For Him, it's been difficult to transition to working exclusively from home. Not that an office away is an answer, it seems many people found working from their homes to be more productive. Maybe they'll eventually suffer a similar burnout? For parents with youngish children, mouse can certainly empathize with that. Once children reach a certain age they can (more or less) be ok to fend for themselves on a sick day -- providing they're not *that* sick. A parent working from home can certainly have greater flexibility with schools and young children. That's never been anything Master has needed to concern Himself with. This isn't to suggest He can't step up when He needs to and has many times. 

The apathy though is harder to shake. Still, we try. Master, just a few evenings ago, shook things up a little, in the privacy of His space, He called slave to Him and had her pleasure Him as He watched an old movie. He thoroughly controlled all her action, mostly nonverbally, slowing her down with a tug of her hair, applying pressure to one side her head or sending her deeper down His shaft. Time seemed to stretch out, not that mouse was bored, but rather obsessed with being pleasing to Him. Was He happy? Did He enjoy it when she swirled her tongue a certain way more than another way? The clues were absent but this was a marathon not a sprint. He controlled her, then had her pause and tossed her the bolster pillow on the chaise, and said to hump that as she sucked him. Cock deep in mouth mouse awkwardly rocked on that pillow, never having it quite hit that one spot. The clit just throbbed with want as she tried to focus on His pleasure but found herself constantly losing the battle. 

After what seemed to be forever, Master finally concluded sending a nice stream of cum down her opened throat, then held her fast and a second stream, followed. He asked if she had orgasmed at any point, and she truthfully answered that she hadn't. He extended His leg and told her to hump that until she came. He returned His attention to film on TV and ignored the slave humping away on His leg, as her face just burned with humiliation. 

Yes, orgasm happened but it took a bit, then of course, she had clean His leg, hands are forbidden so...Once again her mouth was useful. Sated, she remained close to Him, almost afraid to move. Once again that invisible chain bound her to Him and the rattle was loud in her head. 

The night that followed was nearly a repeat, except when the pillow brought her no pleasure He said nothing, just returned His attention to whatever sports event was on the TV. Yet, maybe hopeful, maybe just tired herself, mouse remained close to Master, her head resting on His knee, until He suggested that she go into the other room to read and unlocked her iPad. Still on her knees she took the device and thanked Him. 

It's strange how protocols evolve. Thanking Him is rote (yes He also says the words Thank you frequently but never following something He believes is His right) and often she can't help but to gush over Him with words of love. However the latest protocol seems to be when the slave is dismissed she doesn't simply rise and walk away. but rather she rises, thanks Him again and takes a few steps backward before turning (putting on the bathrobe) and then leaving the room. 

Eventually Master did poke His out of the room and said He was going to bed, this was a signal for mouse to stop what she was reading and join Him but she was nearly at the end and really wanted to finish the last few pages. Well the end was a bit further than she realized and she while she did finish the story nearly an hour had passed and Master was fast asleep. Not having His permission to enter the bed, mouse went to the "bad girl" spot and curled up there as best she could. Quietly snuffling because she was foolish, mouse eventually fell into a troubled sleep. In the morning she woke before Master and rushed to ready herself, make the coffee, fix His breakfast and served Him in bed. Yes blatant attempt to make amends for the wrong she had done. 

The guilt because she had missed the chance to give Master a proper goodnight, because she was selfish was a bit overwhelming for her. When had that begun? Before she would have simply accepted that sleeping on the cold floor in the bad girl spot was her punishment -- now she needed His forgiveness or punishment to feel complete. He might have just enjoyed the extra showering of attention He received because He never said a word about it. He might have even punished mouse on that evening when she again found herself on her knees pleasing Him with her mouth, the only absent was the pillow.  Of course that could have been in her head. 

When He again unlocked the iPad and handed it to her, but this time she stayed put and looked for a new book to read then made note of them to ask Him to take a look to approve. When it was time for bed, she closed it at once and followed Him into the bathroom and at the bed, she knelt and begged permission to enter. It felt wonderful being near Him in bed, not feeling so very exiled and yet not fully contented.  

*Note from Omega -- Mouse is frustrated with me. As I read her account, I simply scheduled it for publishing (note: we routinely do this in the event she wishes to add or take away from a post, then it returns to me for approval and so on until it is published or discarded). No comment was or is forthcoming about her feelings of 'exile' or remorse. This journal's purpose is for mouse to voice her views on her slavery and I feel no such compulsion to clarify further. 



Monday, March 7, 2022

Letting it Go

It’s been a weird stretch, hasn’t it? Are we really at the end? The Magic 8 Ball says to "Ask Again Later." Maybe that silly ball is smarter than everyone? Spring is in the air, sort of, at least mouse is ready for it. There's been this district lethargy of late, we've all felt it since the end of the holidays. Maybe it's just been the pandemic wearing us down to a nub? Everything feels untidy and disorganized, even if technically it's not. In January mouse hit a wall where cooking was concerned. Everything felt like "this again?" We spent a week or two with simple meals or big meals that provided too many left overs, so the weeks cooking became a queue for the microwave. The breakfast/lunch table became a hub of things that needed putting away and the dining table became the place an overly ambitious project was started when our weather turned bad, but the poor weather didn't last long enough to complete it. Little by little when the weather is poor, or mouse finds herself with nothing else to do (which is incredibly rare) a bit is tackled and then abandoned. The thought was that even a little progress is progress however, that was simply a lie she told herself. 

Now, it's been weeks and mouse is tired of it, so after spending Sunday sorting through a lot of it, mouse put all away. At least, it's partially organized so it can easily be started again. At least now, the dining room table is cleared off and can be utilized again. So, where have been we been eating? Mostly on the fly, as mouse mentioned the queue forming for the microwave, everyone has been eating more of less on their own schedule. The next step was to clear off the breakfast table and other dumping grounds and then she devilishly set the table so it couldn't be re-cluttered up. 

The Little Things We Used To Do

Remember those things? One evening mouse began looking through the blog and recalling that she used to make scones, now to be sure it's been a while since mouse last made those. It was so easy, just make the dough and freeze it, defrost it overnight in the fridge and bake. Add a little homemade jam, and it's a wonderful thing. Yes, making homemade jam...is another of those things. Not the kind where you have a crate of fruit and spend hours canning (although you can) but this is just made as needed, couple cups of fresh berries (whatever look and taste good -- we like assorted berries. As they begin to cook down, add a little cinnamon, lemon (zest or juice or why not both?) and whatever else. Add the sugar (or honey) if you feel it needs it, this time of year the berries tend to be a bit tart. 

Pre-pandemic from around March until November, mouse would schlepp herself to the farmers market nearly every week for fresh fruits, vegetables, eggs and cheese. Then when lockdown occurred, the market was shuttered and honestly mouse forgot all about it. Since the grocery store prices have been unbelievable lately, mouse decided to check out the farmers market scene again. Can't say that mouse was impressed with the prices there, maybe a little better on some items but far worse than others and quality in general better than the grocer, not so great that it justified the extra money. Food wise mouse has settled into a rut of pasta bakes, which aren't the most healthy things even if you try to healthy them up by using a wheat pasta...it's still pasta. There's been a lot of apathy and lack of interest in daily cooking. Adding to that the high prices and lack of inspiration it's been a huge struggle. Is that how we're going to divide our lives, pre and post pandemic? Like when Grandma used to talk about before the depression. Not sure if this that kind of life altering event, but it sure feels like it. 

Whatever it's time to shake off that apathetic mouse and return to a more cohesive business as usual. 

We'll see how that goes for us. 

Friday, January 14, 2022

It Goes to Show, You Don't Ever Know

 


Since it cost a lot to win 

And even more to lose

You and me bound to spend some time

Wondering what to choose -- Deal; Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia 





It was warm today, like short sleeve warm. Just stealing a few moments as mouse sits looking out the picture window into the bleak winter backyard. During the winter months we can see clear to the other side of the canyon and creek beyond it. During the remaining months, which amounts to most of them, the view is only trees teeming with wildlife, squirrels, rabbits, possums, raccoons all find their way into our yard, birds fill the trees, crows caw and even the pair of ravens with the gravely tones. We see owls when the weather is decent, hawks and even eagles. 

The house is loud today, not with music but with the sounds of disgruntled people who are angry about chores. While we try to remind them, we need to be kind to each other, as we are all we have...Well, as they say in the car commercials "Your mileage may vary." Off they go ago, on to the next squabble. 

Don't misunderstand there are moments where they cooperate, even are helpful so we suppose that hope springs eternal. At least that's what we would think, once the shock wore off. This morning was typical, the alarm woke Master and He pulled mouse's head to His cock for some morning attention, we showered together, Master having slave hold her arms above her head most of the time as He inspected and washed her body, He turned the water to cold, as He exited to give mouse the opportunity to wash her hair. Warm water is His privilege that He shares often with His slave, as are showers. Drying off with His discarded damp towel mouse hurries to get ahead of Him, pulling on her bathrobe and quickly brushing her teeth, before heading to the kitchen to rattle those pots and pans. 

We grind our coffee beans, recently switched to a crank machine (yes coffee we determined is too important) loading into the french press. We've had power issues in the past, but the gas range can be lit with a match if needed. This morning the breakfast consisted of eggs, oatmeal and fresh fruit (oranges, apples, banana and blueberries). Honestly, these past couple years, mouse has gotten pretty darn good at wielding a knife and the fruit is cut up in no time at all. Likewise the oatmeal is done, that gets some dried fruits, nuts and seeds. One child takes all the fruit and dumps it into the bowl with the oatmeal and other just likes the nuts and eats the fruit on the side. Everyone gets a cup of fruit, growing kids get oatmeal (and often slave) Master gets an omelet, usually with cheese and whatever meat is left over. He's really not very picky. Everyone sits together at the breakfast table (that's a rule). The day is discussed, chores divvied up, arguments thwarted (about the aforementioned chores) and then after thanking mouse for breakfast, they depart to begin their day. Master remains and He goes over the agenda for mouse. 

While mouse was just about to write that there's not been very much BDSMy fun of late, that just isn't true, since every moment of mouse's day is dictated by Him. From start to finish, what is done, when and even how is outlined by Him. Now, this isn't as daunting as it seems. The tasks are more or less rote. One thing mouse must do daily is get at least 30 minutes of exercise. That began as outdoor walks with Master and when the weather turned miserable, changed to mouse just walking on the treadmill.

It helps to clear her head and help her to concentrate, and as a bonus she can watch something on Netflix as she exercises.Mental health wise, mouse has been much better. The world infringes on our home more than we'd like. We added a resolution that we're going to try to waste less food. The most expensive food is the one you throw away, so we're trying to buy only what we'll use. Nighttime, we watch a little, very little TV, usually something kid friendly at least somewhat (they're growing up). After they go to bed, Master and slave retreat to our room, and mouse undresses and prepares to be useful to Him. Master might discuss issues that mouse needs to keep working on and might punish her if truly needed. 

Most evenings He will watch something on TV in our room, or work in His study. If He's working mouse remains in the family room within earshot if He needs something. In our bedroom, mouse undresses and remains nude and will wait to be useful to Him or whatever else He needs. If semi-retired means working less, then mouse doesn't see the point but He's thrilled with this. The pandemic is unending and we're just doing what we need to do to keep ourselves safe. If that means hiding in our cave for a while we'll gladly do this. 

We hope everyone is healthy and doing well.  

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Welcoming 2022


Let's just hope that this year is even better than last year. Ok, last year wasn't so very terrible. So, looking ahead to this year and the hope. 

Home will be a keyword this year. Master is semi-retired, our children are homeschooling until at least September of this year (we'll decide mid year if they're returning to a regular school) and mouse is just plugging (ha) along. Master will continue to control mouse and guide her in all things. 

Last year, mouse was guardedly optimistic about what '21 would bring, but also unsettled. This time, she's not nearly as unsettled and feeling more contented in that "we got this," sort of way. Yes, the new variant is unsettling (not completely unexpected though), but so far, we what we do know is that masks work. We live in a mixed bag area where masking, while the state says it is required, however, largely unenforced, so Master secured a supply of better quality masks. Masking is only effective if everyone does it but a better quality mask can mitigate some of that. That said, we'll continue to occasionally ordering take out and probably not resuming dining outside the home. Until at least we learn more about this new variant. We did, out of an abundance of caution choose to not attend a few parties, and cancelled our Nutcracker plans (pre pandemic it was a highlight of our holiday season taking the children to see The Nutcracker Ballet and later it was officially cancelled). We also cancelled (this was far more reluctant) our Christmas Eve party we had planned. Turned out everyone was feeling very similar anyway so it wasn't a big deal. We did have some neighbors over, as they decided at the last moment to not travel to visit family themselves and were alone (they are fully vaccinated, boosted and work from home). 

It wasn't the celebration we had planned but it was fun. New Years Eve found us remotely catching up with family, we shipped goodies and organized a watch party of the Charlie Chaplin Classic The Gold Rush. 

Again, not the New Year we planned for, which was to include a night's stay at a fancy hotel. We can live without that. We cannot fathom existing without each other. 

Not too much kinky fun but rest assured Master is keeping mouse in line. 

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

We Blinked

 Life just often catches you off guard. Minutes, turn to hours, those hours to days, the days to weeks...

So it goes. 

You blink one day and realize that months have passed, in our case, half a year. That last draft post that was begun (and later abandoned) in early October, rife with apologies for going so very quiet and writing of our first family vacation in a very long time. There was nothing 'new' to report. No, thrilling blog-worthy sex to speak of (nothing that hasn't been spoken of a million times already), and it's not as though that we've become bored with this space, that said, the moments where mouse thought, "ooh, this should be a blog post," have long diminished. 

As mentioned we did finally take a family vacation. As mentioned on Twitter, we gathered for Thanksgiving and that was so successful we continued celebrating through Chanukah with several family members opting to stay with us. We found the action of making room for the extended family members for a longer holiday, a blessing. After, we decked the halls and trimmed a tree.  Our spirits are bright. 

So why now after months of silence to finally post? A couple we're well acquainted with stopped by one afternoon, they're Master and slave as we are, except since they have no children they are able to enjoy a far deeper relationship dynamic. Obviously while they isolate themselves from the world (much as we do) the slave isn't allowed to leave ever without permission, has no access to clothing, and is basically kept nude save for the collar that is never removed (a lovely piece by the way). In many ways, despite being so different, their lives mirror our own. 

We too, rely on protocol and mouse, while having access to a car, cell phone, and clothing, doesn't have the autonomy to use those things without approval of Master. He no longer decides daily what she will wear, but does check each piece of clothing to make certain it is appropriate and not too worn. Master allows mouse to wear jeans to do chores, but also maintains the caveat that in His presence she must be presentable. This means, to Him, she be dressed with her holes open to Him. If He wishes to bend her over His desk, her skirt must flop over her back, with nothing hindering His access. He has also returned to making her wear the large glass plug that protrudes to keep her from sitting when she could be doing other things.  

To contrast the other couple, the slave is kept tethered at all times and never allowed to sit on furniture, she is instead kept on her knees all the time and takes her meals from a dish on the floor. Master has done these things with mouse and honestly they're all humbling as they are sexy but He's not not interested in maintaining that forever. He's been there and done that (He says) and likes the more relaxed way our life is today. 

Yet, this couple came to visit (yes the slave was fully clothed) and we welcomed them into our home. Unexpected guests are often a challenge and mouse straight away prepared a small platter of cheeses, crackers, olives -- essentially whatever could be found in the refrigerator and pantry -- along with small plates, napkins, forks and whatever else she felt appropriate. We caught up a little (well the Men spoke and we listened), then they adjourned to sample some scotch Master has, leaving the slaves alone to speak a little. 

Permission was given to speak by our Owners but our silence was awkward -- what to say? Speak of weather? General things? Our lives aren't that distant. Suddenly words came bubbling out in a hushed tone about the importance of waiting and following commands. We commiserated around the kitchen table, while mouse made pot of tea. No children were in the home, so we spoke somewhat freely. 

At first, mouse felt a teeny bit unsettled the old paranoia setting in that maybe she was brought here to discuss a failing on mouse's part? Was mouse not being useful enough to Master? Had He said something to His friend? As much as mouse wanted to quiet her insecurities they came forth regardless but not in an audible way.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them how we are" --Anais Nin (Master also says that phrase in the Talmud but since mouse knows little about that, she takes His word on it). Yet, the point is valid because everything is filtered through the lens of what we know, rather than how it is.While we spoke, the other slave and mouse, we were speaking of ourselves and what we struggle with at times. One thing was clear, the visiting slave felt that mouse has too much freedom. This wasn't suggested in a mean-spirited way or even in a 'our life is a more pure slavery than your life is,' it was subtle and matter-of-fact that the other slave wouldn't like the freedom that mouse has. A long silence remained when mouse asked -- how much freedom should a slave have? The obvious answer is only: however much or little the Owner desires.

After a maybe couple hours we parted ways with smiles, and mouse was left to reflect on the visit. Their dynamic, while being different and borders on things that mouse wouldn't like, if Master required those things of her, would she? Yet, there are things in our dynamic that others might find interesting on a certain level but would never want such things for themselves, but maybe would go along with if their partner demanded it? Should slavery be egalitarian, insofar as everyone agreeing all the terms and conditions? Initially, in our dynamic, Master gave mouse great leeway and what He considered input on how her slavery looked before taking those options away and directing instead how her slavery to Him would be. With that in mind, she's miles away from her slavery to Master would be. The slave she is today is because only Master wishes her to be this way. Whatever she has or doesn't is mostly because He wants it this way. Over the years, she has learned to beg for things she'd like and if He agrees He will indulge her (He demands now to be clued in on such matters). 

We are really seemingly light years from where we began, our children are growing up almost too quickly and there is often a distinct pull to try to slow things down, make those moments stretch. In the last post, mouse mentioned that Master was traveling more. That all abruptly ended mid-summer when the cases and numbers began to steadily rise again and cities decided to mitigate (the smart places did this) with masks, limiting capacity, etc. 

Now, once again, the holiday season is upon us, with vaccination we are gathering more freely than last year and so far we aren't too concerned about the new variant, Omicron. Work for Him as returned to mostly remote, so He's spending much more time at home, and that doesn't bother mouse in the least, except when she needs to run the vacuum.We have our routines. 

We will be back! We aren't quite finished with this blog yet.


Sunday, June 13, 2021

June


It's been a while since mouse last posted but really there isn't a lot to blog about. There hasn't be much going on, Master has been traveling more and His slave struggles without Him. When He returns the world again spins and mouse rather happily remains caught in His orbit. The rattle of chains returns, especially in our bedroom space. He doesn't allow mouse to touch toys, so anal plugs aren't part of her routine. The enema He doesn't view as "toy" but a procedure she must endure daily. 

Master has remarked a few times that mouse hasn't posted so she showed Him the 20 or so posts sitting in the draft folder, most are far too personal or identifying. He read through them, asked a few questions but nothing much. There were tidbits that could be used. A few weeks ago, Master had reminded mouse while we don't really use a safe word, in the true sense, we do have words or signals that we do use in public areas (this includes our home when the others are present). It's no secret that mouse has been in talk therapy. The issues go back to that period following the health emergency she had in 2019, there were cognitive issues and her mental health plummeted as a result. The pandemic required a different shift, as we were isolated from the world in an almost nice way. Since returning slowly to our pre-pandemic world, mouse has learned that she needs to let Master know when she feels uncomfortable. Crowded spaces bothered her before but now they trigger a claustrophobic response from her. In learning new coping skills mouse also learned to let Master know before she hits the freakout point. 

One way she deals is use a "safeword" specifically possum. When the kids are around and mouse begins feeling overwhelmed she can say to Master that she saw a possum outside in the yard and He'll take control. Another way we found works just as well, is for mouse to take hold of His hand silently. In our relationship Master can touch mouse with His hands, but mouse isn't allowed to touch Him unless He tells her to. By grasping His hand He is made aware because of the breech in protocol that His slave is feeling overwhelmed at that moment, if at a party or gathering, He might pull her aside to speak with her to learn the trouble or take her for a stroll, or even leave if that's appropriate. Like any safe word, mouse is careful to not just do it for the sake of she doesn't want to be there. Triggers are like minefields, and sometimes you just don't know when or how they'll hit you. Taking hold of His hand is a way for Him to understand that something has happened, real or imagined that has His slave on edge.  

There are moments when we're together -- in that way -- He will be on top, moving in that slow delicious way inside her and once in a while she needs to touch Him. That feeling is just overwhelming and she will move her arm around Him, tentatively, touching while holding her breath for His reaction to that. Sometimes her touch is met with a growl from Him to move her arms back above her head (where they're supposed to be) but occasionally He will allow it. More rare but not unheard of, Master will command her to touch Him. The place it comes from is His control over her. It's the mystery of the dance we often do between Master and slave. The little things that keep her in that delicate place. 

Master no longer awards points or collects demerits, instead if problems crop up, mouse is punished when it happens (if possible) or He will say, "Now is not the time, but you will be punished." Now, if mouse is punished she is made to sleep on what He now refers as the bad girl spot in the corner of the bedroom. Not in His bed. He can see her. He tells her if she's allowed in the bed or not (although when He's traveling for work He has stated she is to sleep in bed). 

Soon we will be leaving for the lake, Master will join us on weekends and continue His workaday life. It'll be difficult but we'll make it work. 

Monday, May 3, 2021

The Things You Said Today

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb the hill in my own way
Just wait a while for the right day
And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds
I look down hearing the sound of the things you said today

Today is the first Monday of May, mouse has been proving even more helpful to Master, in ways neither of us anticipated. It turns out mouse is quite competent at packing specifically, unpacking and repacking His case, making sure His toiletry bag is filled the way He likes it. Taking care that He has everything He needs, including His diabetic needs. He remarked that He was becoming quite dependent on mouse to do those things for Him and that made her happy. His mind becomes so filled with all work related things, He would sometimes neglect to make sure He had the candies He sometimes needs if His insulin goes too high.

His remarking how dependent He was now on her also made her more aware this was now her responsibility. He still handles all of His usual supplies, but having her handle the backup supplies has been a load off His mind. As vaccinations become more available He's noticing more people traveling and complaining about wearing a mask, something He believes is a waste of energy. Also another sign is that party invitations are coming in. People anxious to gather. As a people watcher, parties are delightful, as an introvert they're also a hassle so mouse has been speaking to her therapist about coping strategies. Knowing fully what Master expects certainly helps to beat down those fears. People's remarks that would have caused mouse to reply back with a sarcasm, now just flowed off her. it's tribal and mouse when feeling angered or dismayed reminded herself instead that these aren't her people, she's merely visiting. 

Master kept her close to Him and she just smiled and looked pretty while He chatted it up with colleagues. There were plenty of times people (especially other women) would ask her what she does for a living, it's that bit of small talk everyone does, and then when mouse admits she doesn't work outside the home they do this weird validation thing, "oh you know it's the hardest job." Or the ever popular "good for you." 

Rolls off her like water off a duck's back. By the end of the evening mouse was getting tired and her face was hurting from smiling, Master guided her to yet another group (He was doing what He does, working the room) and introduced them. Again fake smiling mouse listened to the banter and then one of the women asked mouse what she did.  It was the umpteenth time she'd been asked this and was considering wearing a badge next time, and the reply just slipped out. 

"Oh I'm a slave," mouse replied, then with a gentle wink and probably the first genuine smile, she added, "You know, housewife and mother."  

While she didn't dare look to Master, she heard a woman say, "OMG me too!" There was no false pretense, and the woman even followed it up with, "isn't it just the best?" and sorta pulled mouse aside. Now, mouse was cautious as she listened to the woman prattle on about how horrible people are toward us stay at home spouses. Without agreeing or disagreeing mouse simply said it was nice to be always available to her husband (loud enough for Master to hear) and with that the other woman's eyes flew open and she pulled mouse even further away and whispered she didn't think any of the couples even bothered with sex anymore. This woman was itching for a friend. Master walked over and apologized for intruding and explained we had to leave. The woman looked sad we were going and mouse was as kind as she could muster. 

On the way home, mouse was actually feeling guilty, and lost in thoughts trying to puzzle the "why" out. Master drew her attention back on Him by sternly saying, "Do not ever make a crack like that again." Closing her eyes mouse winced a little, knowing she shouldn't reduce our relationship to a joke for her own sick shits and giggles. That's probably one reason why she felt guilty,  the other reason was more complex. This woman had reached out to her, (presumably) desperate for friendship and mouse couldn't even remember her name. Many times mouse would chide Master that He really didn't anyone, honestly in truth mouse found most relationships and friendships difficult too, maybe more so than even Him. Those times she chided Him were probably more about her own fears that she wasn't really needed by Him.  

Mildly angry when we reached home, Master said very little to her. We pretended all was well, as we talked to the children (video game chat that He finds uninteresting) before He said we were tired and going to bed. Finally kicking off her shoes mouse squeezed her toes into the carpet, and un-clipping her garter and rolling down the hose as she walked into the bathroom. The tile felt nice against her burning soles, as she took off her jewelry she'd worn that evening and asked for Master's help in unzipping her dress. Still in her chemise mouse washed her face and brushed her teeth. He was hanging up His suit, when He caught her gaze.  

After she hung up her dress, mouse wriggled out of the chemise, removed the garter and bra placing in the drawer and stood waiting for instructions. Still mentally puzzling over the evening and trying to find a way out of the guilt she was feeling. Master misunderstood the guilt she was feeling though and then she had correct Him about that. He thought she was feeling bad because He had called her out on the crack she made. That comment she made, she felt was nothing, just a joke and while it was probably in poor taste, the reason she felt guilty was because of that woman she was talking to. 

Mentally, Master  put a pin the "joke" remark and asked why. Had the woman said something upsetting...What had we talked about? He was full of curiosity and probably protective. At this point He put on His robe before He guided her to main bedroom, telling her to kneel in front Him as He sat in the chair. Trying to find the right words wasn't simple but eventually the pieces began to fit together. While mouse could completely empathize, with this woman she didn't know, about motherhood and felt some brief kinship, because it is at times very isolating. It's nothing like it used to be. Stay at home mother's are rare (fathers are even more rare). It's lonely at times and contrary to what many say about it being the hardest job in the world, once the kids are out of diapers and into school, it's really not all that difficult. You tend to feel more like a referee at that point than a parent. 

"Do you want to be friends with this woman?" Master asked and probably felt a bit of relief when mouse replied, "God no!" Then added that the guilt she felt was probably because she found the woman to be too needy. In the past mouse would have jumped at a friendship until it became too consuming. Right now, between her own therapy, Master, her slavery to Him, and our family there's more than enough and she couldn't handle trying to juggle in another person. What made mouse feel guilty was that the woman in all her neediness was probably holding on by a thread and mouse just couldn't take that on. It wasn't a judgment, it was simply self-preservation for mouse. 

Exhausted from her own rationalization, mouse quietly rested her head onto Master's thigh and He stroked her hair. 

Master has never asked much about her therapy sessions, we have the unspoken rule that we don't discuss our lifestyle in a specific way. It's more about, for mouse, coping with the past which is really more about life before Master. Very important stuff is shared with Him at once. Through therapy (and maybe age), mouse has learned that she's probably always been exactly who she is and needs a firm hand to guide her. In the simplest of terms, mouse is a slave and not suited to have the agency to direct her own life.

Petting her softly, Master simply remarked that she's different now than she used to be, understanding how vulnerable she truly is and far more willing to isolate herself from people who might become unwittingly too much for her handle. 

"You are both more fragile and stronger than you used to be. Therapy has helped you more than I appreciated." 

It was nice to hear that from Him. Then He stated that correction for what she had said was still required, even if she knew it was wrong, even if it was only a joke in her eyes, it was not funny to Him. There was nothing to say about it, so mouse simply moved off His thigh and got herself into position. He retreated to the closet and she could hear Him rummaging around the boxes and she closed her eyes trying to mentally prepare herself. 

Once again He cautioned her to not make a sound, save for the counts, twenty. He didn't show her what He'd be using but the sound it made coming down told her it was His old friend the riding crop. He brought it down in that stingy way (He claims it wasn't nearly as hard as He used to, but its been a long time and mouse just disagrees with Him on that) and made her whimper softly as she called out the numbers. The final few really smarted and reduced her to tears. He repeated after why she was being corrected and she said that she understood and would never do that again. 

Understanding what Master wants from mouse and watching her do something that is counter to that is frustrating for Him. True to His word, He let the matter go. 

Master ultimately decided to not use the points anymore, He doesn't want mouse to confuse her service to Him as an expectation of reward. The ultimate reward is providing good service and now she understands better what that is and how best achieved. 

It came to her rather suddenly watching a video on YouTube of a dog learning a new trick that this was what He did. Originally, the owner of the dog explained they used food as the reward, then got the dog used to the clicker by offering the food and the click. when that association was made they used only the clicker and eventually the dog didn't need the click and just behaved as expected. Yes, mouse is the dog. 

Master chuckled when she told Him about her observation and He sat thoughtfully for a moment and said rather too matter-of-factually that 'pets and slaves were not dissimilar.' As much as mouse tried to be pissed at Him for that statement, she could come up with nothing to counter it.  

For a few weeks mouse felt deeply rattled and unsettled. The therapist scheduled a time to speak to us both about this. The unspoken rule is that Master shouldn't ask why ahead of the meeting. How He held His tongue, mouse cannot understand. The therapist is like the conduit, who helps mouse find her voice to share difficult things with Him. Aware of the rules He sat comfortably, and just listened. 

I am rarely concerned about these encounters (curious yes). They always prove productive for mouse to foster trust and bridge a gap between where we are and her past. My slave worries far too much and tends to overthink issues that are beyond her grasp. This is not meant to be a rebuke or in any way to silence her. --Omega 

Trying to explain her unsettled feelings, she began slowly in a meandering and often awkward way. The therapist encouraged her to continue. He slowly began to realize that mouse wasn't complaining about Him but more herself and her fears that she could never be what He needs her to be.  Again, we don't discuss our Master/slave relationship in any specific way with the therapist (even though the therapist is kink aware). The fear while totally about our Master/slave lives could easily be part of a vanilla relationship as well. 

In the car going home, Master assured mouse that He was never leaving her and remarked that it must have been exhausting to have such a strong worry. He sympathized with her and said He understands that she feel very vulnerable and then said, "aren't you tired slave?" Not really understanding, He tried to clarify, "Isn't it exhausting to worry about something that would never occur when you could just be happy and engaged?" He wasn't diminishing her fears or making her feel bad for having them. He was simply stating a fact that she worries too much when she just let that worry go and be the way she is. 

Master reassured in every way He could think, meanwhile she was chewing on what He had said only because the therapist has said it too. That evening back in the bedroom, mouse came to Him and admitted that she is very tired. He pulled her into His lap and and told her to breathe, He spoke very calmly to her and said He would help her, in His most soothing tone He walked her through conscious breathing techniques. Then He got up disappeared. Pulling her robe on mouse found him in His study where He was on the computer. 

There was a book He found useful on the subject, He was sure He still had it but it wasn't around. He ordered a copy from Amazon. Standing there, she bit her lip. Seeing her He asked naturally "what?" and mouse said He had lent her that book after alpha passed, she was experiencing problems with coping. Then she admitted she never really looked at it (or doesn't recall looking at it), left it on a shelf and probably ended up in the donation pile when she moved.  

He smirked at that, and said no doubt it was likely on purpose it landed it in that pile. Way back then, we weren't exactly on the best of terms. 

While He mused out loud about the statute of limitations on punishments, she mused also out loud on the statute of limitations on apologies. Master pulled her close and said simply there is never a statute on apologies. Master said rather simply this was why He never lent out books. 

Back in bed we made love, with lots of touching, caressing, licking, tasting and biting (He loves to bite) and after mouse told Him how very much she loves Him. Damn it, she wishes she could recall exactly what He said in reply but the words were as beautiful as the most heartfelt poetry that made her cry. 

Hmm, it was something rather that it always amazes me how those simple words roll off her tongue with such ease, and yet often it catches me unaware. She can be incandescently happy or merely contented and the words tumble out, or emotionally spent and morose and, still those sparse words fall from her lips. For me, in the early days those were easily spoken and felt, as time passed I often forget how she needs to hear them, even if she still deludes herself in reasoning the contrary. I know this to be true, when I speak them to her, the look of wonder sweeps across her face and often it is accompanied with a tear. It is not that I do not feel such breadth of passion, it is simply that I am far more economical with my emotions as I am apparently with my words. -- (Again) Omega