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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Freudian Slip?

A Freudian slip is defined by an error in speech, memory or physical action that is believed to be caused by the subconscious mind.

I didn't mean to make this mistake. The therapy appointment was for Tuesday not as I thought today. I really hate therapy and I know I avoid things I don't want to do. But even for me this seems out of range of normal. As much as I want to blame this on the holiday weekend, or on Monday being a day off, I know that I can't.

Yesterday, after sending an email to a friend, I started to get my stuff together for work when my cell rang. It was my therapist wondering where I was. I thought she was crazy, but no, turns out I was. In going over the conversation, I think she even said that she'd see me tomorrow, which I changed into Wednesday for some reason. She said that she really wanted to see me so we arranged that I could come during her lunchtime. This time I did show up.

We discussed briefly my mental slip and while she's not really a Freudian she believes that part is probably apt.

I handed her the copy of the blog post and she started to read it. She got to the slap part and looked up at me. We discussed it thoroughly and will discuss it again next Monday at the usual time. We talked a lot about Alpha and his form of punishment--which she was quick to point out that it often wasn't punishment but an excuse to abuse me. We went through different scenarios that I would answer if they were abusive or not. Like if Omega had hit my dog (which he wouldn't) or if I had seen a woman slap a baby in that mall. She found it interesting that as the situations changed like from a toddler, to a young child, to teen my answers changed. Had I seen a mother, for example, slap her teenage child, I felt I didn't know enough about the situation to make a judgment if it was right or wrong. My therapist made the comment that it's always wrong and shows a lack of control. A lack of control that might never happen again, but the fact that I'm indifferent to it made her uncomfortable. She used the word "desensitized." And said it's not too uncommon in people that have been abused.

We talked about Omega. She wondered if he were violent or abusive with me in other ways I might not find disturbing since I have this indifference. She ran through different situations, like does he make me feel like he's always right and I'm wrong. Some like that were harder to answer because I do often feel that way with him. Like him insisting that I talk about this crap with my therapist. Of course she said in that case he was right. In the end she doesn't feel he's abusive, and found his apology to be very honest. She liked him admitting the arrogance and was happy that he's discussed this with his therapist.

Last night after Omega got home we just relaxed, talked a little about our day (I told him about the therapy session). He told me to take a long bath while he completed some work, so I did. He was on his second gin when I returned. I placed my head on his lap and he continued to work, reading the briefs he needed to read and scribbling his notes. Occasionally he'd stroke my hair, almost in an absentminded way, like you'd do to a pet.

I felt so loved; I only hope that could feel my love for him as well. We did nothing intimate yet it felt very intimate to me, a very relaxed and comfortable end to a difficult day.

1 comment:

  1. We did nothing intimate yet it felt very intimate to me

    I love this line, what a happy thought.


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