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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Thoughts: slavery and subspace

Consensual slavery isn't easy. At times it is but it's also difficult to give up all those little bits of you to another and trust that they won't mess with it. Omega and I have an easy relationship for the most part. He doesn't make a lot of requirements of me. He doesn't care how I dress, or how long my hair is or the color I paint my toes. I don't have to speak in the 3rd person, or ask permission to pee.

We do however have simple rules. Family is first, then work, then kink. If I'm on the phone with a family member then he's not going to insist that I end the conversation. Even if the calls go on for hours. Same if I have a work project due. He's not going to impede my ability to earn a living. Even if the project goes on for days. Now these cut both ways. We know this. If we need to work us then we're first.

However, if there is no project, or phone call or whatever going on and he's home, I'm expected to ask permission to use the computer, to watch TV, or whatever. I'm to ask permission before I drink alcohol (anything more than a single glass of wine with dinner), in case he has other ideas. He demands that I respect him that way. And I do. If I ask to watch TV he might say yes, or he might say for me to read a book instead. If I want to listen to music he might say yes with no restrictions, or he might say that I can but it can only be a certain type of music.

He also demands that I respect him public. Even when he does one of those man things that just pushes my buttons. Like circling a parking lot six times trying to get a parking place three spaces closer than one he passed on for not being close enough. When I get pissy his response is quick. If we're in public he turns his back on me. Literally turns himself around with his back to me. If I move a step closer he'll move a step away. I apologize, and he'll move closer. If I do something really unthinkable, and say something that makes him look bad to others or continue to push his same buttons, I may get slapped. And I don't think he'd care who saw it.

We were in a mall recently and I made some really stupid sarcastic comment and it wasn't the first comment I had made. He stopped walking, turned and slapped me in the face. I can't say it was hard; it didn't even turn my skin red. It got my attention. We were in a public place, with people around. People stopped, there were gasps heard. We said nothing and continued walking. I crossed one too many lines that day. I deserved it. I was punished when we got home too. The cane (I hate the cane) one strike on the back of my thighs for each line I crossed.

I have to accept this, just like I have accepted how he wants the house cleaned, the laundry done, and food prepared. If I don't there are consequences. Punishments vary; sometimes he'll just restrict me from him, where I'm not allowed to touch him. Or speak to him. For someone that hates my silence he has no problem using it to his advantage.

I read a lot of slaves and subs talk of subspace and I might have even mentioned it. I have three distinct levels of conscious when Omega uses me. The first level is no different than how I am now, I'm alert, I feel everything, and notice fine details. The second level is harder for me to explain, some might describe it as subspace, but for me it's not. It's when my brain goes south and just dulls slightly. I feel pain, and know what's happening, I'm aware but often rendered speechless and I won't acknowledge pain in the same way with cries, screams or tears, but with whimpers. If Omega talks to me in that altered state, I will clearly hear his words but won't be able to thoroughly comprehend them. Conversely, subspace terrifies me and is a really frightening place, which causes me untold anxiety and stress. Each time I'm driven to that subspace level I feel a piece of my sanity is lost forever. This has to do with Alpha because so often his torture was so extreme I went there to escape the torment. It wasn't a pleasant association for me, but self-preservation.

So far Omega has only driven me there once and it was quite by accident, not at all his fault because I didn't know it would happen.


  1. Ummmm....the slapping in public is not ok. In the U.S., that's a sure fire way for him to get arrested for domestic violence, whether you want to prosecute or not.

    In my not so humble opinion, this is along the lines of forcing others to accept and witness your submission, without their consent.

  2. cutesy pah,

    You're right. It is something that should concern him. And the point of forcing others to accept my submission was something I hadn't thought about. I viewed it more as just being our business--however in today's day and age, we should have thought more about it. So thank you for pointing this out to me, and I'm sure we'll be talking about it.

    Thanks so much!

  3. cutsey-pah and renea,

    Initially, I didn't read renea's journal for several days and I will admit that I glanced over the opening part, as I was more concerned about her take on the subspace incident. However, when I got to the end I noticed the comment(s) and read the one from you cutesy-pah, and renea's reply. After rereading the post in total, and feeling a flash of embarrassment, I decided to address this directly.

    Without addressing the obvious legal and moral ramifications, I will acknowledge it wasn't an act of dominance but an act of arrogance on my part. Not once that day, but twice I showed great indifference to renea. Firstly, by slapping her on the face in a public setting. A move I instantly regretted and vowed to never repeat. Secondly, I did not, in what only can be described as my further arrogance, apologize to her for this incident. Regardless of what she had done that day, I too crossed a line.

    Dominates often feel that saying they are remorseful for a lapse in judgment is a display of weakness, however, I disagree and offer my very humble apology.


  4. I do so very wish we lived close enough to meet me and Daddy. The two of you are wonderful together, and I'm certain we would become fast friends.

    Omega, thank you so much for claiming responsibility for your part in this. And, I loved your choice of words - arrogance rather than dominance. How true! If only more Dominants could recognize the difference.

    I was very worried when I posted my comment that both you and renea would be angry. But, I felt it important to point out my concern, and the consequences be damned.

    I'm so happy this turned out so well for you both. This is a key element in demonstrating how strongly you two feel about each other, how willing each of you are to take your share of responsibility in this relationship.

    It's clear, Omega, that you are working hard on your recovery. It really does work if you work it.

    Congratulations to you both!

  5. Omega,

    I'm not sure how much of my correspondence with Renea you have read but I commented to her once I thought I would like you. Now I am sure of it. A public apology is first class, I hope she accepted it and I hope you are a man of your word but I have a feeling you will be.


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