Thoughts: slavery and subspace

Consensual slavery isn't easy. At times it is but it's also difficult to give up all those little bits of you to another and trust that they won't mess with it. Omega and I have an easy relationship for the most part. He doesn't make a lot of requirements of me. He doesn't care how I dress, or how long my hair is or the color I paint my toes. I don't have to speak in the 3rd person, or ask permission to pee.

We do however have simple rules. Family is first, then work, then kink. If I'm on the phone with a family member then he's not going to insist that I end the conversation. Even if the calls go on for hours. Same if I have a work project due. He's not going to impede my ability to earn a living. Even if the project goes on for days. Now these cut both ways. We know this. If we need to work us then we're first.

However, if there is no project, or phone call or whatever going on and he's home, I'm expected to ask permission to use the computer, to watch TV, or whatever. I'm to ask permission before I drink alcohol (anything more than a single glass of wine with dinner), in case he has other ideas. He demands that I respect him that way. And I do. If I ask to watch TV he might say yes, or he might say for me to read a book instead. If I want to listen to music he might say yes with no restrictions, or he might say that I can but it can only be a certain type of music.

He also demands that I respect him public. Even when he does one of those man things that just pushes my buttons. Like circling a parking lot six times trying to get a parking place three spaces closer than one he passed on for not being close enough. When I get pissy his response is quick. If we're in public he turns his back on me. Literally turns himself around with his back to me. If I move a step closer he'll move a step away. I apologize, and he'll move closer. If I do something really unthinkable, and say something that makes him look bad to others or continue to push his same buttons, I may get slapped. And I don't think he'd care who saw it.

We were in a mall recently and I made some really stupid sarcastic comment and it wasn't the first comment I had made. He stopped walking, turned and slapped me in the face. I can't say it was hard; it didn't even turn my skin red. It got my attention. We were in a public place, with people around. People stopped, there were gasps heard. We said nothing and continued walking. I crossed one too many lines that day. I deserved it. I was punished when we got home too. The cane (I hate the cane) one strike on the back of my thighs for each line I crossed.

I have to accept this, just like I have accepted how he wants the house cleaned, the laundry done, and food prepared. If I don't there are consequences. Punishments vary; sometimes he'll just restrict me from him, where I'm not allowed to touch him. Or speak to him. For someone that hates my silence he has no problem using it to his advantage.

I read a lot of slaves and subs talk of subspace and I might have even mentioned it. I have three distinct levels of conscious when Omega uses me. The first level is no different than how I am now, I'm alert, I feel everything, and notice fine details. The second level is harder for me to explain, some might describe it as subspace, but for me it's not. It's when my brain goes south and just dulls slightly. I feel pain, and know what's happening, I'm aware but often rendered speechless and I won't acknowledge pain in the same way with cries, screams or tears, but with whimpers. If Omega talks to me in that altered state, I will clearly hear his words but won't be able to thoroughly comprehend them. Conversely, subspace terrifies me and is a really frightening place, which causes me untold anxiety and stress. Each time I'm driven to that subspace level I feel a piece of my sanity is lost forever. This has to do with Alpha because so often his torture was so extreme I went there to escape the torment. It wasn't a pleasant association for me, but self-preservation.

So far Omega has only driven me there once and it was quite by accident, not at all his fault because I didn't know it would happen.