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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Changing seasons

Last night my Master and I spent hours talking, listening, laughing and the spilling of tears.  As I have mentioned in my blog, he's been going through a very rough time, and backed away from everyone in his life, during a period of deep soul searching.  We're different, I would brought him in and shared those thoughts with him and probably blogged about them also.  Master is type of man to hold in his thoughts and feelings, cataloging them, examining each until he's worked through it.  

This period was difficult for me.  He was emotionally distant and I was fearful the bottom would fall out.  That he would say I was too difficult, too inflexible or something and we would part ways.  Of course that wasn't the case but I had no way of knowing and with only silence to guide me, I was lost.  I decided that I could only wait, and determined at least in the beginning not to mention it in my blog.  I wanted normal, but things here were far from normal.   Master's distance felt much like punishment.  

We sat down and discussed exactly what we had and what we wanted from our relationship.  We made a list of goals for us both, what those included and what they excluded.  The personal changes we're both willing to make, and by changes I also mean sacrifices.  We discussed our dynamic and how comfortable I feel with the direction we are moving.  He wants to be sure I always have a voice in his life, but reminded that his word is final (as though I would have it any other way).  We spoke of the impending changes to our relationship in the coming year, with his new job, which for him means longer hours.  I assured him that I would pick up any and all slack around here.  Of course he had little doubt of that but did say he was concerned about me becoming overwhelmed with a host of new responsibilities.  

We also laid out a schedule more or less for maintenance markings.  We discussed punishment and even Alpha.  Master knows I have difficulty at times separating the two men in my head, and he was very understanding about this.  He said we will make an effort to play more and stay connected in ways outside of play.  He wants to push my slavery to him a little further, but he also promised to take that slowly.  

I trust him and know he'll do his very best as will I.  

He also thoroughly explained the dark place he visited recently in the mental sense, and naturally, I wanted to comfort him in some way but I also understand that he didn't want that from me.  If that was what he wanted he would have explained it long before.  I feel closer to him than ever before.  Which to me seems a bit odd that mental distance and bring us more together, but I'll take it.  


  1. It sounds like it was cathartic. I hope your changing seasons will mean brighter days ahead.

  2. that sounds like a profound understanding you achieved bewteen the two of you. Living with an intense person is difficult - and requires a great deal of acceptance and understanding on the part of their partner - I'm glad you were able to put this in perspective.

    While it is easy to say that the mood isn't engendered by actions or reactions from the partner, it is hard not to internalize blame for them.

    Good for Omega for explaining; as I myself am a moody bitch and D. is as moody- makes for a rather unsettled household at times.

  3. It IS funny how distance can do that. But I think it's because they come back that we end up feeling closer. That they make the effort to return acknowledges that our relationship is important.

    That rough spot that BG and I had was pretty much the same thing. Except that he and I didn't have the same level of commitment you have with Omega, so I really did think he was gone. But he came back and, like you two, we're closer for it. (In a 'Still Really Busy With Not Much Time' kind of way, she grins.)

    Anyhow, I'm really glad you two are over the hump. I had total faith it would happen but the waiting always sucks. Big hugs!

  4. I'm so glad to hear he's coming out of his cave. Believe me when I say, all men do this. Some to a greater extent than others, but they all do it. Asha goes into his cave about twice a year, so I know how hard it is to deal with.

    You handled it perfectly, though, by giving him the space to sort through the things going on in his head. We women need to talk through these things and work them out (usually with other women). Guys for some strange reason need to do it on their own.

    It doesn't surprise me at all that you feel closer to him (and he probably feels closer to you too). I've always believed that distance, whether physical or emotional, causes us to examine what a person means to us. Who they are to us in a very deep a meaningful way. Sometimes it's subconscious, but it still happens. And then when we're together again, that realization makes us appreciate their presence in our lives that much more, which makes us feel closer and more devoted to them.

    I honestly think it's a healthy thing for a relationship to have that separation once in a while... even if it's just the emotional separation. It keeps us from taking things for granted and gives us an opportunity for a fresh start each time we come together again.

    I'm glad you guys didn't have to wait long for your reunion... well in the grand scheme of things anyway. I'm quite sure it felt like an eternity to you.



  5. I'm glad to hear that you and your Master have reconnected and are making plans/goals for the future.

    Big Hugs,


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