Last night my Master and I spent hours talking, listening, laughing and the spilling of tears. As I have mentioned in my blog, he's been going through a very rough time, and backed away from everyone in his life, during a period of deep soul searching. We're different, I would brought him in and shared those thoughts with him and probably blogged about them also. Master is type of man to hold in his thoughts and feelings, cataloging them, examining each until he's worked through it.
This period was difficult for me. He was emotionally distant and I was fearful the bottom would fall out. That he would say I was too difficult, too inflexible or something and we would part ways. Of course that wasn't the case but I had no way of knowing and with only silence to guide me, I was lost. I decided that I could only wait, and determined at least in the beginning not to mention it in my blog. I wanted normal, but things here were far from normal. Master's distance felt much like punishment.
We sat down and discussed exactly what we had and what we wanted from our relationship. We made a list of goals for us both, what those included and what they excluded. The personal changes we're both willing to make, and by changes I also mean sacrifices. We discussed our dynamic and how comfortable I feel with the direction we are moving. He wants to be sure I always have a voice in his life, but reminded that his word is final (as though I would have it any other way). We spoke of the impending changes to our relationship in the coming year, with his new job, which for him means longer hours. I assured him that I would pick up any and all slack around here. Of course he had little doubt of that but did say he was concerned about me becoming overwhelmed with a host of new responsibilities.
We also laid out a schedule more or less for maintenance markings. We discussed punishment and even Alpha. Master knows I have difficulty at times separating the two men in my head, and he was very understanding about this. He said we will make an effort to play more and stay connected in ways outside of play. He wants to push my slavery to him a little further, but he also promised to take that slowly.
I trust him and know he'll do his very best as will I.
He also thoroughly explained the dark place he visited recently in the mental sense, and naturally, I wanted to comfort him in some way but I also understand that he didn't want that from me. If that was what he wanted he would have explained it long before. I feel closer to him than ever before. Which to me seems a bit odd that mental distance and bring us more together, but I'll take it.