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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Guardedly Optimistic

I really don't like that term; I remember doctors constantly using it when Alpha was ill.  I thought it was bullshit for 'I don't know but today is good.' And maybe it is but today was a good day, and after a string of horrible ones I really needed it.  I worked all day, then ran home, tidied a little, did some wash, ran to the market, and then did more wash, while I cooked dinner.


I was busy but it was a good day.  O brought me flowers, I guess because he knew lately things have been rough.  I still can't help thinking back to my feelings and thoughts about the new year, and I wasn't ready for 2009 to leave.  I figured at the time maybe it was just old age, but really it was woman's intuition.  That sixth sense that told me something was on the horizon.  But as I thought about it, and not knowing the form it would take, I realized that because O and I are on solid footing whatever happened I could handle.  


Oddly enough I'm handling it.  Way, way better than I would have a year ago.  Seriously.  If the same problem had happened a year ago, I would have flipped out and probably ended up having a nervous breakdown or  something.  


I am so much more balanced now.  I feel contained.  Safe.  And at the same time empowered more, knowing I can handle anything that seems to be thrown at me, because Omega is behind me. I never had that with Alpha, I had that safe, balanced feeling in fact it was the opposite; the earthquake.  The ground was always shaking and I realize now even after he died, I carried that feeling with me for years!  I know he wanted me that way, but someway along that path, I grew comfortable with the helter skelter my life was, instead of craving better I just accepted it.  


How wrong that was.  Of course I should have valued myself more, really that's a no brainer.  But the fact I didn't even see I needed to value myself.  That's what got me today.  I've changed since I started this blog.  I've changed more since being with O and committing myself to him.  We really committed to each other.  Two fucked up souls finding something wonderful with each other.  I think O's right,  we are opposite sides of the same coin.

2 comments:

  1. Yeah, I don't get that term either. Seems a bit of an oxymoron if you ask me. Maybe I'm a black and white type of person (no, I don't really think that), but either you're optimistic or your're not. If you're guarded, you have reservations, which means you're not optimistic. Maybe what they really mean to say is, well we're not optimistic at all, but we'll pretend to be for your sake.

    I have to say that I'm definitely optimistic about the two of you. What you both have come through and what you're still facing together... it's very inspiring how you manage to come out on top.

    *hugs*

    spirited

    ReplyDelete
  2. And it's been nice to watch you discover just how strong you are. You and Omega don't have a simple love story but it's sure a good one!

    ReplyDelete

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