I really don't like that term; I remember doctors constantly using it when Alpha was ill. I thought it was bullshit for 'I don't know but today is good.' And maybe it is but today was a good day, and after a string of horrible ones I really needed it. I worked all day, then ran home, tidied a little, did some wash, ran to the market, and then did more wash, while I cooked dinner.
I was busy but it was a good day. O brought me flowers, I guess because he knew lately things have been rough. I still can't help thinking back to my feelings and thoughts about the new year, and I wasn't ready for 2009 to leave. I figured at the time maybe it was just old age, but really it was woman's intuition. That sixth sense that told me something was on the horizon. But as I thought about it, and not knowing the form it would take, I realized that because O and I are on solid footing whatever happened I could handle.
Oddly enough I'm handling it. Way, way better than I would have a year ago. Seriously. If the same problem had happened a year ago, I would have flipped out and probably ended up having a nervous breakdown or something.
I am so much more balanced now. I feel contained. Safe. And at the same time empowered more, knowing I can handle anything that seems to be thrown at me, because Omega is behind me. I never had that with Alpha, I had that safe, balanced feeling in fact it was the opposite; the earthquake. The ground was always shaking and I realize now even after he died, I carried that feeling with me for years! I know he wanted me that way, but someway along that path, I grew comfortable with the helter skelter my life was, instead of craving better I just accepted it.
How wrong that was. Of course I should have valued myself more, really that's a no brainer. But the fact I didn't even see I needed to value myself. That's what got me today. I've changed since I started this blog. I've changed more since being with O and committing myself to him. We really committed to each other. Two fucked up souls finding something wonderful with each other. I think O's right, we are opposite sides of the same coin.