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Friday, April 2, 2010

What am I?

I can recall as though it were yesterday being nude, tied up with my arms above my head, the tips of my feet touching the cool floor.  I was screaming, crying, begging for mercy.  Alpha, holding the whip would pause occasionally to ask me.

"What are you?"

I would thrash about, continue screaming and crying, and feel the whip hitting my body.  Finally growing quiet, he stopped and repeated the question.  

Without any thought or hesitation I gave the answer deep down I knew he wanted to hear, "I am a slave."  

"Who do you serve?"  

"my Master."

"Who is your Master?"  

"you are."  

He put the whip down, releasing my hands, and I fell to the floor.  He walked away.  I remember being wrapped later in a wool blanket, because it scratched my skin and hurt.  He placed a collar around my neck and led me into a room.  He told me to get into bed, rest, and that I had much to learn.  He taught me how to walk, talk, keep my eyes lowered, how to gesture, and how to think.  He invited his friends to use me.  I learned to accept this and be pleasing.  I didn't know this was a lifestyle people pursued by choice.  I knew only what he told me.  And from that moment I wasn't allowed to question him about it.   The questions now I see so clearly I should have asked before that moment, I didn't know about.  

When we returned to he promoted me at work.  The rumors circulated (unstopped by him) that I got job because I was good at oral.  Not at all because I deserved it (which at that time I wasn't sure I did).  It was really humiliating but even that served a purpose to Alpha.  When, late at night, I was confronted by someone, he engaged into a little flirting, saying he heard I was a good girl.  I cringed.  He had heard I was talented.  Before I knew it, I was on my knees with this man's cock in my mouth.  I got home later that evening and ran upstairs. Alpha yelled at me for being late, not having dinner prepared and etc...I remember he slapped me.  When I related what had happened (in a flash of anger) he told me that he was proud.  To him I was nothing.  In fact I think now he took greater care in who he lent his car to than me.  

I don't like thinking about those days and even now...I die a little inside when I do go down that road.  However I was given a gift of a career in all that.  I had the tenacity to stick it out and prove to people I was competent and qualified.  That wasn't always easy but I'm better because of it.

Omega and my paths have been intertwined since those days, but we never saw how deeply they were.  Maybe we did but ignored it.  It doesn't really matter much.  

Today, I ask myself what am I?  The only answer that seems to matter is His.  I submit willingly and gratefully everything I am to Omega.  I give deference to him in all things.  He controls me in similar ways that Alpha did in that he demands respect, he will punish me and other ways like that.  He pushes me forward sometimes and other times he pulls me back when he feels I need that.  Omega is the Master that Alpha only wished he was.  

I guess that's the meaning of the word submission.


  1. my mouse,

    Keyword: unconditional. You are my everything.


  2. I cannot say anything that wouldn't sound trite. Just...

    Big hugs,

  3. from everything I know I believe Alpha did not know enough about life or what he was doing to have even got to the point of wishing he was the Master Omega is let alone actually being.

  4. Another wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.



  5. Wow mouse, the first part of your post really got my stomach acid flowing. I'm so glad it ended on such a fine note. You both have done so well in finding each other!

  6. Dear mouse: You have had experiences that completely mystify me. But, seeing what you have seen, I think you can now see clearly that what you have is what you want.

    My best wishes,

  7. I still cringe when I read about your past with Alpha but, it fills my heart to see how amazing your relationship with Omega is. I'm so happy to see/read this! Many many blessings, you both deserve it.

    Oh...and congrats on your progress with A! Way to go!

  8. Mouse,

    I'm so glad you've finally reached a place where you can at least look back at what happened and evaluate it. What I hope you realize, and what I'm sure Omega is teaching you, is that no matter how much what you are doing now looks like what you were forced to do then, they really aren't related. What you had with Alpha was completely counterfeit, with no more relation to what you have now than a good fake $100 bill has to a real one. A lot of people can't see the difference, it looks good, but with a little knowledge you can easily see the difference. Please know that what Alpha gave you was just pure bait-and-switch fraud. What you have now is always what you deserved.

  9. Maybe this is a trivial observation, but the passage with the car stuck, reminding me of how Omega insisted you drive a safer car last year. To me, a telling contrast of how you describe your life with Alpha and now. A whole world apart. And it seems reasonable to conteplate wether the labels from then still fit, however they might be used by others in your lifestyle.

  10. mouse,

    I do not know you but see nothing wrong with how you were treated by Alpha in this example. I do understand there were other issues. But had you been my slave, I would have been proud of you as well.


  11. I'm so glad Omega has been able to show you what this lifestyle is truly meant to be... especially the consensual part. What Alpha did to you was so far from consensual and it was so wrong. I'm also glad, though, that for you some good came of it.



  12. I find myself at times pausing after reading your posts, and I want what you have with Omega (of course with my own Dom).


  13. Omega,

    You have helped me see the difference between the gifts and the lies more than anyone. You're my sifter.


  14. To everyone else that took the time to have no idea what all your comments mean to me.

    MC Sir, Thank you especially for your words they mean a lot. As did Sir J's.

    I do think there is a yin and yang to life and I've had hard time embracing that. Omega through his patience has helped me to see it and he was right Alpha needed to be forgiven. Not for him or for his soul but for mine.

    Hugs and thanks,


  15. Wow Mouse, what a super post, thank you so much for sharing.

    My wishes to you both for a lovely weekend. Happy Easter.



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