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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Clearing-out the cobwebs

With Alpha everything was a ritual. How mouse got out of bed, involved rituals. Times she was allowed to urinate, things she did around Alpha's home were all tied to rituals and a consequence attached for not doing things to his liking. In an effort keep mouse off balance they're weren't any "rules" to follow just rituals. If mouse broke the bathroom protocol, she was forced to wait twice as long to use the bathroom, or be diapered and forced to use that. There was no privacy (or little) and no expectation of ever having any. Alpha controlled every aspect of mouse's life.
At night she was chained to the bed.

When he became ill (as longtime readers might remember) mouse was forced out of his life. Even then the rituals remained in place. At night, mostly out of fear he'd find out, mouse would dutifully chain herself to the bed. At night she would tell herself if there was fire she would do nothing to save herself. If she needed to urinate, she would hold it until the designated time, use the bathroom according to the ritual, and never a moment before. Each day she continued to weigh herself, and any weight gain she punished herself for it, in a similar manner that he would have. It had to be painful but in an almost mindless way she would carry it out.

These habits or rituals were ingrained into her mind, body and soul. Never allowed to read a newspaper, mouse would still have the paper delivered to her apartment, but only read the approved parts (the comics, jumble, want ads and obituaries). Breakfast was a half of piece of fruit, one half slice of bread (always stale because he'd leave it out on the counter the night before) and one half of cup of coffee (cold). Lunch was a half of sandwich, small salad and water. Dinner was whatever was left behind on his plate, always mixed up into a bowl. Dinner, was the hardest meal to comply with, so mouse would buy a meal, break off bits, dump it into a bowl and eat that over several days and it would only be things that he'd enjoy eating. For punishment, mouse would go to a restaurant he'd approve of, order a meal, take two bites, ask for the check, pay it and leave the rest of the food behind after focusing on watching someone else in the place eat and enjoy their meal.

After he died, you would think relief would come. It wasn't like that though, It was...strange. As though his memory, or Mouse's memory of him wouldn't let her go. For the first few weeks, mouse just pretended he was still alive. The schedules or rituals all stayed in place and any deviation, was met with complete remorse. If the toilet paper roll went beyond half, it seemed the world ended for mouse, because it was his rule that never happen. For months, everything stayed the same, as though mouse wouldn't let go for fear somehow he'd return and things would be even worse. In retrospect it seems that was what mouse truly believed -- somehow he'd come back. Nighttime was the worst, self chained to the bed, just as if he were there in the next room. Secretly promising that if something dreadful occurred, earthquake or fire, mouse would do nothing.
It's a scary thing to lose all ability for self-preservation

As time passed things didn't get any easier, until almost a year later mouse was seated in our coffee room (which had little to do with coffee) and suddenly realized that the whole time she was speaking in the first person. Omega was in the room refilling his cup, but if he noticed anything, he never said. Knowing that it happened was enough. During this time mouse had lost a significant amount of weight. Shortly after that and punishing herself for it, one morning she woke and wasn't chained to the bed. First thought was Alpha must have untied her. Second thought was, that was impossible; he was dead. Dead. There were several blinks following that thought. How long had it been, because it felt like hours or perhaps days. Not as long as weeks or months. And certainly not more than a year, right?





5 comments:

  1. So glad that death serves a purpose even to those left behind.

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  2. so very sorry for your loss...and very happy for your new life.wishing you love and happiness*hugs*

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  3. Wow... it's amazing how deeply a person can get into you like that. It sucks that it had to happen in such a tragic way, but I have to say that I'm soooooooooooo glad you got out of that situation.

    *hugs*

    turiya

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