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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Damage

It occurred to me while talking with a friend, how many submissive-minded women feel damaged by their past.  Instead of dealing the trauma they suffered head-on, they take interesting and often disturbing paths.  Many find their way into BDSM.  A caring Dom sometimes recognizes the damaged sub but all too often the deep wounds go unnoticed.  At some point, however the Dom is faced with it.  He knows he must act but often is uncertain which course to take. 

In dealing with past anguishes the submissive will actively seek out pain, since the raw pain masks the deep festering hurt they carry with them.  Logically the caring Dom will suspend hard play and even maintenance during this time.  Thereby forcing the sub to deal with their issue.  During this period there is many hours spent talking and discussing the nature of the abuse. 

The Dom is doing as he should do during this time.  If pain is used to mask to the reality, then the remedy they are most comfortable with must be eliminated.  Now some well-meaning submissives will take it upon themselves to engage in self-harm because simply put, they are not receiving it from their Dominant.  They feel they need pain and since the caring Dom has placed them on restriction...the reader can certainly surmise what will occur next.  These submissives are simply wired incorrectly. 

The question there in lies, how to rewire the submissive.  First and foremost, the submissive must be aware that such wounding will not be tolerated.  There needs to be a consequence for such action.  Normally, a Dominant's best friend at that time is his trusty cane.  However the no pain clause changes that.  What the Dominant needs to understand is that the submissive is simply trying varying ways to top him from the bottom and they will be very clever at inciting near riots within the home.  They want and desire the pain so deeply they will do anything to get it. 

The Dominant must be equally clever to keep his sub on track.  Zero tolerance to misbehavior is key.  When the submissive engages in such activity, the Dominant needs to explain they understand this is what the sub is doing.  They need to direct the submissive.  Ask them about the steps they took, what they thought about, how exactly did they do it.  They might be surprised there is a whole ritual the submissive follows to perform the task.  Such things are rarely done on the spur-of-the-moment. Giving the submissive a new ritual to follow is useful. 

For example if a submissive engages in self-harm by cutting or burning, the Dominant must let that submissive know he is deeply disappointed in her and engage her in how she did it, why and the method she used.  The "I do not know." is the incorrect response.  His disappointment will not be easily quelled by simple apology.  The caring Dominant needs to let his girl know that she will not be punished for the offense in a physical way but at the same time let her understand that it is HIS place to inflict a punishment or pain.  

Anger and raising of his voice will help drive the point home.  I also favor adding a mantra for the girl to repeat when she feels such needs.  Something along the lines as, "Only Master may inflict pain on his property." Simple, direct and rather to the point.

If the submissive begins to misbehave in other areas, similar tactics can be used.  Again zero tolerance for such behavior, turning it around by telling them you understand why they are doing it.  Directly telling them to stop seeking punishment because none is forth coming.  The past must be dealt with.  It is never easy nor simple, but well worth the effort.

5 comments:

  1. Master Omega, I want to thank you for this post. For most of my life (and long before I discovered ttwd), I have been a cutter. It is exactly as you say: a refuge from internal pain and a way of escaping it. I did end up dealing with my past, with TONS of help and encouragement from my husband/Master. It's hard to explain all that he has stood through for me... Even though I've healed so much, cutting becomes an addiction, and every now and then, when life becomes crazy, I feel the urge to go back. He's helping me learn to go to him instead, but I'm pretty hard-headed sometimes. I really like your mantra. Although healing had to be for myself and nobody else, reminders not to stray off the path can definitely do a whole lot more good when I remember whom this body belongs to. I'm going to share this with him.

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  2. Little Butterfly,

    You are welcome. You are correct about the nature of self-harm becoming an addiction. In my years I have witnessed that many times.

    Serve well,
    Omega

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  3. Sir,

    You're writing touches my soul and it feels as though you understand my thoughts. How I would enjoy kneeling at your feet and breathing in all the lessons you could teach me.

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  4. Sir Omega,

    In my haste I forgot to sign my name. Please forgive me!

    kristen

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  5. Sir,
    this post kinda hit home to me. I was a self-harmer for a brief while (physically, in other ways much much longer). I am now in my first D/s relationship and I've only harmed myself once from when I met Him, and that was right at the beginning. What has kept me from doing it is similar to your mantra; I don't have the right to do that to my body -His property. It is not my right to do so. Of course I have felt like it at times, even without seemingly cause, like right now for actually,because it is a feeling you get addicted to -now I've become a pain slut instead *grins* So yes, BDSM has helped me, but it is not the reason I sought it out -it had the opposite effect of what you describe, the positive effect :) Thank you for raising such an important topic of TTWD, and also pointing out "the solution" to the submissive in need.

    I only now started reading your blog, but I'm liking it already Sir, you write very well.
    Thank You,
    linda

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