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Monday, March 14, 2011

Submission with a small "s"

Good morning,

Being a submissive girl isn't only about being pleasing, bending effortlessly to her dominant counterpart's will or just remaining still awaiting a command. Some days are done without great effort, while many days do. Maintaining focus is taxing and exhausting, often without reward. It's just part of being pleasing and expected. Rewards come in odd almost clandestine ways. An extra slap on the rear or a kiss on the forehead. There are pleasantries exchanged, compliments made, which are in essence rewards.

The submissive girl understands well her place, this is due to mostly the care of her dominant counterpoint.  It is they set the tone for the dynamic, but the submissive girl is also a direct reflection on them.   It can seem daunting if time is wasted considering this.  It's not that bad though.

The overall dynamic is one that is kept private for the most part, blogging can be a wonderful way to reach out to other submissives. It reminds them they're not alone. Because of societal restraints we can't normally express what goes on behind the scenes in the relationship.  A friend once remarked about the issues had being a gay man in the 70s, instinctively it was understood how difficult life was for him and continued to be during the AIDS crisis during the 80s.  Now, he's at a point where he's generally accepted for who he is, he walk hand in hand with his lover and few if any at all, notice this.

It's also evident when someone outside the lifestyle does discover a friend is involved, it is often misconstrued that if they are female, they are a top.  Perhaps it's because they have a strong personality, but more often than not that's only part of it.  When submissives are portrayed on Television it's generally men with foot fetishes for a Domme in high healed boots.  If there are women displayed, they're generally made out to be somewhat crazy, mentally ill or damaged.  They require "rescuing" from the obviously, oppressive Top.  Still most of the time, it's just a joke, a sight gag with hand cuffs that the audience makes the obligatory, "ooooooooo" sound to.  Will there ever be a time which we can have our place in the sun?  Where the Top can be who he is regardless of who is around and after reflecting and being still with those thoughts, honestly probably not.  It is doubtful that we as society would ever condone a man making a woman kneel in a restaurant and take her meal from a dog dish, even if the submissive woman desires nothing more than that to happen.

In some ways its kind of sad, yet, somehow we soldier on, wearing our jewelry that no one sees or maybe notice proudly.  Displaying and being pleasing, despite the looks of dismay from well-meaning friends.  To them, we might seem prudish or standoffish as our clothing (hopefully) hides what lies beneath.  Sometimes, we get notes in our mailboxes informing us about special shelters for battered women.  After the flash of anger has passed, we realize that they meant well.  They don't understand and likely never would.  Still there is nothing about all of this, most of us submissive girls wouldn't change for anything in the world.


  1. To each of my sub sisters with small children and families that have to cater to society, I applaud you!!

    I am blessed in that I do not have as many societal expectations and that my son is fully aware of who his mother is. I am not sure I have the strength display by others.

  2. beautifully written post

    i am interested in your strong feelings about the negative perception the 'world' tends to have for D/s, and obviously it is mostly just ignorance.
    but have you come across an unpleasant side to the D/s lifestyle.
    i ask because as a Dom I am struggling to cope with some of my feelings and it is spilling out in ways that i regret onto my s.
    there are reasons/excuses but essentially i would like to know if good doms go bad and vice versa, are some people just not well suited for stable D/s relationships.
    just interested on your take on it.

  3. Others' judgment really sucks, especially because unlike if we were truly in a bad situation, many of us actually do want to be able to share.

    Well-put, a lot of what goes on in any D/s relationship is meant for only the two people in it. I agree the online support is meaningful too.


  4. It was such a relief for me to find out there were others like me (kinky, submissive, masochistic, etc.) that it was hard not to tell everyone I knew! I still struggle with maintaining two very different sides of my personality but the balance becomes easier over time.

    Dad man - I think it takes a very stable, emotionally-aware, and committed man to live as an effective and rational Dom. It isn't an easy road to walk.

  5. Hmmm... you got me thinking. I agree, I don't think that the D/s, M/s, etc, lifestyle will ever be excepted by mainstream society. It's too "oppressive" of at least one person involved. However, and I think I'm going to go post about this now, I have found a group of people with whom it is not strange to generally speak of my husband being in charge... if that makes sense, and have thus surrounded myself with friends who are like minded, if not aware of or into the lifestyle.

  6. It is sad... and I do hope that at some point and at least to a certain extent the idea of a healthy D/s relationship isn't so hard for mainstream society to accept. I don't think the sadomasochism aspects will be as readily acceptable... although you never know with that. I mean some people may still think it's weird or crazy, but I think most people would be just as likely to turn a blind eye if they don't like it (they essentially already do).

    Domestic discipline is another matter entirely. I mean beating someone or being beaten for sexual gratification, I think, would be easier to swallow than a man beating a woman to discipline her. I think that's something people will always be sensitive to because of all the abuse that has happened over the years.

    Oh and thanks for the mention of someone getting a note in the mailbox about shelters for battered women. I might have to use that. :-D

    Great post!



  7. I enjoyed reading your post mouse...very thought provoking.. I believe.we judge people all day everyday, unintentionally, its part of how we learn to deal with different people in different situations, how we sum up how we should behave...but.....its when we allow our judgment of people to cloud how we respond to them in a negative way, that judgment becomes damaging and negative....luckily here in blogland, people are on the whole, very supportive and slow to my far!


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