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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The dollhouse

Good morning,

You have no idea how difficult this post is to write, to flesh these feelings.  Yesterday, while taking a break from cleaning mouse plopped herself to down to see what was going on in the blogoshere.  There, she stumbled upon Little Butterfly's post.  LB mused about how she enjoyed being in her Daddy/little girl dynamic.  Now mouse's dynamic with Daddy is different, mouse is all woman.  Instead she calls him Daddy because of the warm feelings he gives her.  To mouse he is Daddy, someone that protects and unconditionally loves his girl.  It feels so right.

We'll just as a little girl mouse, grew up quickly.  There was no real childhood, no time spent daydreaming about the future, mouse was always worried too much about the present.  Even then she wanted a dollhouse of her own.  As a child mouse dressed much more grown-up than her peers -- she wanted to grow up quickly because that meant not being where she was anymore.  The interests were not in girly things but more adult ones.

Music.

Always there a safe haven where mouse could muse about the lyrics she heard through the two stereophonic speakers.  Sometimes she'd listen to the same song over and over.  Delving deeply into its secret message until she was in tears.

When it was time for mouse to grow up, she did very willingly moved out on her own younger than her peers and made some bad choices.  Alpha was a bad choice but she was running away, mostly from her past.

Haight-Ashbury Painted Ladies
Inside Alpha's home was a dollhouse, a replica of an old Victorian row house in San Francisco.  A beautiful painted lady of a dollhouse that mouse was instantly drawn to.   Can't even begin to say how many hours mouse spent canvassing hobby shops, antique shows and the like, scouring for the perfect miniature claw-foot tub.  Or a swath of wallpaper.  Don't get mouse started on finding the perfect Tiffany lamp that actually worked!  It was a labor of love and mouse would become lost inside that dollhouse.  Maybe it was about reclaiming a lost childhood, or creating her own world where she was surrounded by lots of love, something she scarcely felt in her own real world.  At first Alpha found it amusing, but later after he became ill...not sure but maybe he became jealous of the perfect world mouse had created -- a world where he was shut out of; he forbid mouse to touch it ever again and she didn't.  Wouldn't even clean or dust it.  It just sat unfinished like so many things in her life.

When she was told to leave his house, she left it behind and never saw it again.

Over the years mouse has thought about that dollhouse but kept those thoughts very private.   It's silly to get so emotional about a dollhouse but that dollhouse represented something special to mouse, something lost.  Something she desperately wanted and needed and like so many things never got.   The truth was she was drawn to that house and maybe like Velveteen Rabbit, if she loved it enough it could become real.  A special place where nothing could touch her or do her harm.  A home with a family that loved her.  Sometimes late at night mouse will think about it, wonder what happened and where it ended up. Hopefully it ended up in good hands and not in a landfill somewhere.  For now, she likes to believe it was a wonderful gift for another little girl who needed to dream that one day the ground would stop shaking

11 comments:

  1. oh mouse, this is so sad. If I could send you a house I would.
    I hope that you are on firm, stable ground now, it certainly seems like that is what Omega has done for you...I hope I am right.
    HSXX

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  2. I know exactly where you're coming from, I was very much the same -I can't relate to the dollhouse though *LOL* (still have a lot of girlieness to find within, maybe I need one too?

    Although my Dom and I don't really have a Daddy/girl relationship -I do feel like you though! I want the "DaddyDom" in the same aspect and for the same reasons as you, although I'm not into the Ageplay-thing as such.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. You always write so beautifully.

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  3. Ironically, I have always thought of your summer house as a dollhouse. (site unseen of course)

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  4. It sounds like you are building a real home and real family these days. And it sounds far better than even the most wonderful doll house.

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  5. Velveteen mouse, you have become real my dear. You live in a house filled with people who love you. You are in the midst of living the happily ever.

    It never quite as pretty or neat as the story, but it is so much more satisfying.

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  6. It sounds like the dollhouse was a beautiful escape. Hopefully you don't need it anymore as an escape but it still sounds like it could be a wonderful hobby. ^.^

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  7. This was a beautiful post, mouse. I do feel where you're coming from. I didn't have an item that I invested in so much, but I do feel like I have lost very important things in my life that I might not ever see again. And I mourned for a very, very long time. I still mourn a little, when the memory is brought up, when I think a little too much. Having Sir in my life has healed me so much though.

    I think for you... perhaps instead of focusing on an object (despite it being an object you loved fiercely and spent much time on), now that object has turned into a reality. You may not have a little doll house anymore, but you have the real thing now. Your life with Omega IS the dollhouse. You spend the time, the effort, the love to make your life beautiful. You have a family that loves you, a safe place to be, and while it may not be as "perfect" as the dollhouse, the imperfections make it a real kind of perfect. You had to leave the little dollhouse behind eventually. Just like a child, we leave behind the toys and go do the grown up things. The good thing is that these real things can't be lost.

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  8. Can't stop thinking how cool it would be if the dollhouse showed up somehow... like at a yard sale or something, you know? Okay... highly unlikely, but it would just be so cool!

    *hugs*

    turiya

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  9. Dear Mouse,

    Not silly at all, the dollhouse was important. I'm sorry you lost it. That makes perfect sense to me.

    I can so relate to that "can't wait to be grown up" thing, and thinking I was grown long before I was and making some choices that ending up hurting me... but especially to the wanting to be grown.

    Like other people said though, it seems like you've got a real life now - one that's what you need. And I always have the feeling that you take as good care of your home as if it were that dollhouse...

    hugs,

    aisha

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  10. Your posts are sufficient reason for my having an internet connection, mouse

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