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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

All the words

Darling Omega,

This morning in place of writing to the masses mouse is only writing to you.  Of course there is little chance of anything going wrong with your surgery tomorrow, but there are things that need to be said about the incredible and vast amounts of joy you have brought to mouse's life.  How complete she is with you!  Did you ever think or consider it possible that two people separated by years could find each other and together burn so brightly?  You were the flame; constant and always there right behind mouse encouraging her when she felt all was lost and not one more step could be taken.  In the instant she offered herself to you, to be your special possession, you consumed her with that flame.  

Together we have spent countless hours talking, laughing but most of all loving and holding on with desperate attention.  The boundless nature of our love, at times sparked with genuine contempt but always tempered with unceasing affections.  You are the Master who carefully took a hapless lump of old rotted wood and carved into it, chiseling and chipping away all the bad parts, the unneeded ones that enveloped so much pain of the past.  Only you could reveal the beauty within that battered piece of wood deep at the center.  Only you could find it there and release it from the darkness and set it free.  

Freedom?  It's an odd word for a slave to use  and she is forever your slave caged by your heart and never allow to be loose.  But you have set this one free, with your seemingly endless vocabulary of words that spill from your lips with such ease, it makes mouse tremble.  When you take her into your arms, she quivers for you.  Whorishly, she dances at only your command.  You control her, this object of your desire and she bends at your whim.  Through it all, you have set her free!  You have allowed her to be everything she is to belong only to you.  That is the kind of true freedom so few will ever aspire to have -- let alone hold for very long.  In that, mouse lucky to have been held by you at all.   Everyday she feels so bless and yet holds such regret that none of this happened sooner.   Would we have survived had we connected or tried to connect this way years ago?  Could the man that mouse loves so completely, have been able to hold her in that way you do so effortlessly now?  Would mouse have been capable of returning that love?  Yes, mouse was capable but also feared that it would be returned to her.  That's why so many years ago, she ran from you.  It was so painful to be resigned in this odd kind of relationship, where we weren't really friends or lovers and yet both.  

Of course, after your surgery and recovery, mouse will remain by your side, faithfully serving your every need or desire.  But surgery is still scary, and just couldn't let these words go unsaid.  And she can't easily say them to your face, in fear that you would laugh or tell her that she's just being silly, in a grand gesture to calm her nerves.  Your tongue can cut her as sharply as any whip you've held in your hand, even when you try not to.  

Perhaps it is best for these words to just be thrown out there but not meant to comment on?  Please don't say anything to mouse about this, just let it lay there.  Just know how deeply mouse loves you and promise to return to her.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now 
From win and lose and still somehow 
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Always, unconditionally and forever,
your mouse