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Monday, December 12, 2011

Vulnerabilities of the Dominant

Salutations from Omega,

Often my mind rolls over certain thoughts, dismissed at the time as lacking merit, only to realize that I was spot on in the observance.

One such time, quite long ago when we still had the cage in the basement, we had played very hard and were sated. I recall being in my bed, two floors above where the activity had transpired and holding mouse close to me, as she was still lost in that foggy haze of subspace. I went through a routine we often do starting first by asking who she belongs to.

Not a hesitation in her voice, as she softly mewed that I do. I pressed further asking her other albeit leading, but nonetheless related questions, all which were answered accordingly. I felt a surge of pride and love for this creature that gives everything she has to me so freely. Then I asked, who owns me? Or words to that effect and she replied without hesitation that she did.

While at the time I dismissed it as being "cute" however the thought returned during a therapy session, where I mentioned this rather lightly to my therapist and quickly moved on to another topic. He stopped me, and returned that thought and asked how I felt about that. I paused for a moment and reluctantly admitted that it frightened me. To allow myself that level of intimacy was unthinkable just a year earlier. Well, maybe for most of my life, certainly throughout my life as a Dominant. Love was a hindrance to the level of play. I did not wish to concern myself with the notion of taking a bottom too far in a scene. Do not misunderstand I take aftercare extremely seriously and after intense play, I never shunned a girl for other plans before she was ready to leave.

Still love was impossible for me to consider, yet that had changed when mouse and I became involved. Yes, I did rather pursue her, in part because I was lonely and we had a shared history. I just did not imagine I would be so very captivated by her. Her love was healing and brought out desires in me that were impossible. She was suited well to me. So this moment of shear panic to find myself so vulnerable to her, had me at a complete loss. The thought of harming that love and trust haunted me. I suddenly found myself not wanting to take my girl too far, the sadistic urge ebbed away. At least the deep one.

Until one evening, not so very long after. We played in that basement, although neither of us knew it was for the last time. I put her through the paces and moved further tormenting every inch of her succulent body, consuming her as I went and fueled by a sadistic thirst that demanded release. I pushed her beyond the breaking point and still my hunger increased. When it was over I dragged her the cage and left her there while I fought to regain some semblance of composure.

Purged of any control over myself I watched her sleeping form, trembling and considered further torment. This was the woman I loved, I passionately adored and as the results of what I had done to her came crashing back, the images overwhelmed me. I opened the cage, realizing I had placed her there not to recoup, but to protect her until I could regain control. I called her, when she did not respond I panicked, grabbing her ankles and pulling her toward me. I held her, rocking her telling her how deeply sorry I was. Although I cannot be thoroughly certain, I do believe I wept and prayed for her safety.

I vowed to never harm her again. I bandaged her, tended her wounds and marks and bathed her.

It took her a day and half to come back to me. She had no recollection of what had occurred, however I will admit that for a brief time her nightmares returned. She had transferred what transpired between us to her former owner and seemed to be reliving it in the dream state.

I dismantled the basement soon afterward and resolved banish the sadist from my life once and for all. I could not take the risk, as the sadistic urgings were becoming fast a new compulsion, or another tidy branch of my sexual addiction.

Yet, my greatest moment of vulnerability was not that, it had occurred earlier. It was an off-handed question followed by an honest answer. What I once found unthinkable, I now find rather comforting; that between mouse and myself, it would seem that ownership is rather equal. Very much part of our power exchange.

Recently, mouse wrote about the gift of Dominance, which she noted is somewhat overlooked, however she seemed to dismiss her own gift of submission, by remarking that she was compelled to serve. In that simple truth she touched on something I found rather profound. We are constrained to be who and what we are. We are both imprisoned by our desires, hers to serve and mine to command. I believe together we will remain a constant force, so long as we remember to feed each other well.

Upon some reflection during the writing of this ramble, I noted that I demonstrated two varied types of vulnerability. The first to mouse and our relationship, my love for her which only grows. The second to my monster, the sexual addiction that fuels so much of me. I struggle daily to keep it bay and remain vulnerable to it and challenged by it. I suppose I will reveal more areas in which I am vulnerable, for now one is invited and the other grappled with.

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for writing and sharing that. That was powerful. It takes a strong and understanding man to be able to face your vulnerabilities and acknowledge them. Especially when one of the ones you mentioned seems to be so much a part of you, yet you know it is best kept locked away. This takes being able to see it within yourself, realize that it is there, and knowing it does not serve the better good for either of you. I applaud and appreciate your being open with us all enough to share this personal story and side of yourself.

    DV

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  2. "feed each other well" Its interesting that you use a food analogy. I have used the same analogy to MY subs. They have been caught up in their desires so strongly that they question themselve. With the old "am I a bad person." I think you have hit on the right note. We need each other and as long as we feed each other we can both be happy. I too worry about finding that one person and not be able to hurt her as MY desires demand. she is too important and I love to easily and strongly to hurt her the way she wants and needs to be hurt. Or used whatever your comfortable with. But I had never considered the fear of being loved. Of taking on that commitment. I have always thought of MY subs as just play partners. But feelings are involved and you can't deny them. Or at least you shouldn't.

    Thanks so much for the thoughtful piece.

    MASTER J

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  3. Wow, that is a beautiful story. I'm all choked up now. Just wow.

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  4. You have a such a way with words Omega. I find myself with less and less time lately to read much less comment but I felt compelled to thank you for that insightful look into the other end of the spectrum.

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  5. Hi Omega- Very thought provoking.

    Master always comments to me that I own him as much as he owns me. He even asks me.. "you understand that don't you?" as to make sure I fully comprehend the significance.

    I always thought I did, but your writings helped put it in perspective even more.

    Thank you!

    ~faithful

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  6. O,

    You actually showed us three new vulnerabilities, mouse owning you, another branch of your addiction and perhaps just as important a willingness to share them with others. In the past your writings were not so honest, poignant or about yourself.

    I suggested to you once long ago that marriage and love would completely transform the way you play. This is not an I told you so but more like a welcome. The games you played as a sadist were so very intense, this one however is the true challenge. You my friend will do fine.

    SJ

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  7. This was eye opening. I know how vulnerable I am to Chess, I need him, I can't imagine what I would do without him, he holds me together... but it never occurred to me that maybe he is just as vulnerable to me. Maybe he needs me just as much as I need him.

    As DauntlessVitality said, that was powerful. Thank you for sharing.

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  8. I actually had the same thought as Sir J. Making yourself vulnerable to your readers. That was incredibly courageous to allow us to see into you like that, Sir. Thank you.

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  9. I salute your courage. It is, I believe, more difficult for those who are Dominant partners in our power-based relationships, to open themselves, show themselves as vulnerable, acknowledge personal flaws and struggles. In my mind, this honesty is far more impressive than all the pretended perfection that is drawn on so many kinky blogs.

    swan

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