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Thursday, March 1, 2012

This is the wonder of devotion...

Greetings from mouse,
Yesterday, mouse accidentally published a post that's been sitting in her draft folder for a while. Sorry about that confusion. Was just super down and not thinking clearly.

Sometimes it's hard. We met Tuesday afternoon in his therapist's office. When we got home, mouse wrote a long and winding letter to him, putting there all the things she just couldn't say to him, into the place where private thoughts go. How angry she is at him -- we didn't speak after getting home, or in the car on the way home or in the evening while he prepped for his trip. He read it yesterday morning after spending the night in the guest room alone. The frustration was like a cry in the night and something he couldn't deal with at that moment, which just made mouse feel worse.

Outside the taxi pulled up to take him to the airport. Yet, we were right in the middle of this thing, this cloud hanging over us. The baby in mouse's arms reached for him and he obliged, picked her up, snuggled kissing her forehead, cooing softly that he'd be home soon.

He left without saying much else. Our frustration with each other had at long last boiled over. Both sides stubbornly with heels dug in. Immobile. We stripped our gears.

When he left in the blaze of fading taillights we both thought it was over.

The emptiness crept inside.

We had radio silence for the next several hours. Normally, he'd call from the airport, text when the plane landed, and phone again on his way to the meeting. There are times, mouse would often laugh, we'd hear more from him while he traveled than we normally do.

Here the rain fell. Large drops of rain fell like tears from the crying sky. In her mind, she rolled through how we'd handle this. We could never be the same again.

More emptiness.

Sadness

Helplessness

Raw unadulterated anger found its way around and through us, chipped away until nothing is left. D/s burns hotter. When the embers stop smoldering all your left with is the cold.

The phone rang, mouse jumped, heart racing until the caller ID revealed it was only the contractor. Still, mouse would check blogger to see if moderated the one comment..anything to give a glimmer of hope. But nothing.
The morning gave way to afternoon, afternoon to evening and the silence screamed in the twilight.

Feelings of regret, words she wished she could take back, if she could only unring the bell.

Silence continued, the rain fell, wind whipped like a gale.

Time clicked passed, painfully slow, mouse tried to sleep on the sofa waiting for his key to hit the lock. Eventually, mouse fell asleep, but she woke suddenly. The porch light still on. A moment later the phone rang. His voice, on the other end, his first words were, "I'm sorry."

Why?

Fear crept in, bat shit crazy mad woman screamed "here it comes...."

He was sorry for leaving when he knew we were arguing. He was sorry he hadnt called all day. He was sorry that he wasn't home. He was sorry that he was stuck in the airport. Most of all he was sorry that we were hurting. He was sorry he blew through most of his cell phone battery trying to secure another flight, or a car. Anything to get him closer to home. Back to where mouse was.

Instead we talked on the phone, until his cell died. Then again when he found a charging station. We worked through it all. We reconnected. We rediscovered our ability to not just hear, but to listen. We talked for as long as we could. Then longer. The baby woke, mouse looked at the time, 6am.

Still, we talked, and when mouse couldn't hold the phone, she put him on speaker. He talked to the kiddo. Said he'd be coming home as soon as he could, that his flight was just delayed and he couldn't get onto another flight. He said he loved us. When he was off speaker he told mouse again how much he loved her. How nothing could change that. All he really wanted to know was if she felt the same.

At that moment her phone went dead (of course). Found the regular phone, buried in the sofa cushions and phoned him right back. Of course she loved him, he had to know that! He had to know before he got on that plane...What if something happened????

He said he was in line to board the plane. That he'd see us soon.

And mouse sat down to blog. Led Zeppelin came to her mind...


The rain song

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all, upon us all a little rain must fall...
It's just a little rain...



20 comments:

  1. Hello mouse,

    I sincerely apologize if I commented inappropriately.

    Your words never fail to move me.

    All the best to you and Omega. I am sure you will both be better and stronger as a couple because of this.

    Sss

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We talked. We're good! In a much better place than we were before.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  2. It is the worst when the one person you count on for love and support is the person you are angry with. The urge to make it better is so overwhelming. But the reason for the anger doesn't go away; it just gets pushed down, to come out again in some other (possibly worst) way. I urge you both to try to find a safe way to talk about what is between you. It's good and right to acknowledge that you love each other and that you want to make this better. But deep hurt and anger, particularly when that anger is a product of a long and complicated history, will not go away quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were both so very angry, but we really did work through it. There's still work to be done, but now we both know we can and will do whatever is needed. We don't feel hopeless, we feel very connected and happy!

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  3. Hugs to you both. The path you have chosen may not have always been the easiest one but through these difficult times I believe it does make you both stronger as individuals and as a unit. Talking is good, listening is key.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes we stopped listening. Being on the phone forced us both to listen.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  4. ((Hugs)) I'm typically not an emotional person, but this really moved me. Being angry can be so consuming...especially when topped with the guilt that it's directed towards a loved one. I'm happy to hear you both found your way back to communicating with one another. Best wishes.

    Tonya

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sitting here, tearing up as I read your words. It is so hard when you and the one you love are hurting. I hope and pray that things get worked out between you, that you can reconnect and recover what has been lost.

    I am so happy to hear that you two are working it out. It is a slow process, but change will come. Peace be with you as it does.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are really good now. Now that we talked and communicated and connected we really can face anything.

      Or at least we know we can now.

      Hugs
      mouse

      Delete
  6. To all,

    We are indeed through the worst of it. For a time we did allow our selves to sink into a chasm so deep, we scarcely felt we could escape. Together we are battered, bruised, but in the end, we are stronger and our love is far less fragile.

    Thenk you for the abundant concern you have shown us, but especially mouse during this difficult time.

    Be well,
    Omega

    ReplyDelete
  7. So difficult when anger builds up and there is pent up emotions that cant be contained...they shouldnt be, better to let them out and deal with rather than try to avoid confronting them....i learnt that the hard way and it cost me a relationship....if im honest it was also my inabilty or perhaps refusal to say im sorry and really mean it....and when it is meant that means so much more.

    sincere best wishes to you both

    tori xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was the problem we just let it build. He said it was a valve opened and all the hurt just spewed out.

      It needed to happen. Just sad that he was away. The distance made it difficult.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  8. *big hugs*

    Really great blog post. Am thinking of you both.
    Hugs,
    padme

    ReplyDelete
  9. Many years ago when I lived in the wilds of Wyoming, I taught natural childbirth classes in my home. Almost always, I got the chance to share in the joy of a new child born to a family. Sometimes, sadly, tragedy would happen and a baby would die. Many times, I was the one who was there with a connection but without a personal investment. Couples grieving in their deepest hearts are of very little help to each other. How can one support a partner when there is barely enough strength to breathe, to move, to think?

    In the most difficult times, we need to be gentle with one another and with ourselves. If we can...

    Hugs,
    Sue (swan)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooh Sue your so very right. In really the past month or two, we haven't been very gentle. We've had moments...but it wasn't until now that we really were able to repair the damage we did recently....but now, mouse truly believes we can move forward to repair the damage of the past...

      That's really the most optimistic we've been since....well for a long time...

      Also, thanks Sue for your support...mouse truly appreciates you!

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  10. oh mouse.

    can I tell you how proud I am of both of you?
    not that it makes sense to say I'm proud OF you

    proud FOR you?

    it takes so much to set aside pride and hurt and reach out to each other through it.

    thank you for writing this
    it's
    beautiful
    and painful
    and

    um
    makes me feel silly for writing about inside out panties today

    hugs to you both
    and cheers for letting love and forgiveness win

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sfp,

      Thanks so much, your too sweet! Even if you do wear your panties sometimes inside out ;-)

      Many hugs and love,
      mouse

      Delete
  11. To look at it philosophically, it's spring, a time for rebirth, a time for airing our the stale indoor air of winter, and a time for spring cleaning . . .

    Just as there are times that's necessary for for our homes, there are times where long term D/s and M/s relationships go thru the same thing.

    It's obvious when our houses need attention, we see the clutter, we know the mess, we know it's time for spring cleaning. It's less obvious when our relationships require similar attention. So sometimes those needs wait, until it's like a safety valve explodes and suddenly there's a relationship emergency.

    I know what it's like, as a dominant, getting a letter of the things a slave won't/can't say. Serafina shared something similar with me the other day, asking me not to react, just read, as it was written in frustration.

    As loving dominants / Masters, we want to be EVERYTHING to our slaves, or at least I do. At the same time, we are human and no matter how we try, we make our own mistakes. And a Master's mistakes are often compounded by the fact that a bad day or a bad mood for us is felt deeply by our sub/slave.

    As Serafina and I work though our own relationship housecleaning, just know that Omega and his mouse will be in our thoughts and prayers . . .

    love and regards to you and yours,
    Michael

    ReplyDelete

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