*Repost* Newbie Tuesday: Control

*note: This post was edited from the original version. There's been a lot of talk here about submission and control...So mouse found this and thought it might be helpful. Yes, it's not Tuesday but the message still applies -- especially for those who occasionally struggle in their submission. This also mostly deals with a Male Dominant and female submissive (because that's what mouse has in her life and can't really speak for the other side -- tho she would confess that she'd hope much of this would apply to both male and female submissives or slaves).

When we submit we are in effect giving up control in our lives (large or small parts). Decisions are taken away, tho, they might and should listen to what we have to say -- there's no guarantee that they'll actually do it. Often in the beginning it's exciting for the submissive. It's the big reason why they chose to submit to another.

On the surface it seems to easy, but once you move deeper you start to realize it's not just about making weekend plans. There are hundreds of decisions that are made daily and to have no real control over some or even any of them? It sounds overwhelming and impossible. That's where rules come into play -- at least in our dynamic. When Daddy and mouse first started he had very precise rules written out. How mouse was to dress, behave, etc., they covered every possible scenario. As time passed, Daddy started eliminating a lot of rules, and replaced them with simplified versions, five in all that cover just about anything that mouse does throughout the day.

It's all about control, because without that there really can't be submission.

There cannot be a leader without a follower and most followers feel a bit controlled by their leader, though it's important to note such control shouldn't feel oppressive. Maybe the bigger problem is that many submissive types have this mental ideal of what submission is (built up by fantasy) and then the first time the Dominant proclaims something unsavory, the submissive balks. Huh? You want what? Seriously?

What they miss, is by doing the unsavory stuff, they are in effect deepening their submission. Now, this is obviously barring things that are mentally or physically destructive or harmful. A Dom should use his power thoughtfully and not force issues that could jeopardize the sub's family, friends, and ability to earn a living.

Examples of unhealthy control might include but aren't limited to:

Requiring the slave or sub, lost in the first blush of their submission to get a tattoo proclaiming that Master whosit is their owner and placed where it's visible to family and friends. Forcing the sub to eat from a dog dish in the employee cafeteria. Asking for passwords to banking information or a social security number. Wearing a dog collar to work and when ask instructing the slave/sub to tell people that she's owned. These are the games some Dom's play to simply test their sub. These all have potentially dangerous consequences.

Now, small rant over with. We're not talking about those dom types, we're talking about healthy control that's not outside the boundaries of rational thought.

Truthfully it can be something as simple as the Dom saying, "after work, go straight home and call or text me," but for some reason that sets the sub into a tizzy. Sure, the sub is used to the normal commands about masturbation and other kinky stuff they might do, but this is different. This is like "control." It feels confining or even suffocating. The sub might even be inclined to just blow it off, going to market on the way home, or out drinks with coworkers and calling much later than expected. Or not at all.

How the Dom handles it, might greatly depend on his mood and if they even considered it a firm thing in their own mind. Later in the evening it might occur to them, hey they haven't called yet. Sometimes they might let it slide the first times, keeping mental score. Then, maybe when they're annoyed with other things totally unrelated to their sub, they'll bring it up -- harshly.

Or they will deal with it immediately telling the sub that they messed up and when he says call he means call. If he says go straight home after work, barring an emergency he expects you to do it or ask permission to go out.

Assuming the submissive is serious about the relationship they will likely respond with remorse and even beg to be punished or at least willingly accept punishment. Then things will roll smoothly until the next time and in the beginning there is usually a next time. It's completely psychological, the submissive is balking not at the submission or the Dom, but the control. This might lead to some angry outbursts by the sub (or even the Dom) and ultimately more correction by the Dom. As time passes, it can even seem to others that the whole dynamic (if the sub blogs), revolves around the idea of punishment. Leaving their readers with a false impression about the health of their dynamic, or worse still her friends and family.

The problem most have with control in a D/s or M/s type of dynamic is that people want it on their own terms. The sub will enjoy the idea of feeling controlled but might balk at actually being controlled. Feeling controlled is much different from being controlled, because feeling controlled is mostly fantasy driven with ideas about what their submission should feel like. It's entirely different going out and buying a tight fitting corset and mentally telling yourself to wear it and being commanded on a daily basis to wear one by the Dom. The two ideas are very different feeling. To get beyond these negative feelings requires time and patience, but mostly bringing the sub along rather slowly, especially if she's new to the lifestyle.

The Dom needs to be consistent -- What is unacceptable today, will likely be unacceptable tomorrow and so on. The submissive needs to understand they chose to do this -- to give up their power to another. To remain for a time powerless. The rules might change, be altered or reexamined...more might be asked of the sub to move outside of her comfort zone (pushing of limits). These are all ways and moments where that invisible tether between the Dom and sub are strengthened. Will she grumble? Yeah that's normal but in the end she'll likely obey. If the Dom gives the sub a choice and the sub refuses or simply cannot, they aren't withholding their submission, they are in effect leaving it to his discretion -- to decide the matter for them. The sub isn't telling her Dom no, but giving up the right to choose.

"No," is something that needs to be reserved for the MOST important of situations. The sub should NEVER use it often but with a sense of judiciousness, discretion and deference. Because ultimately they chose to submit. Saying no is a refusal. It is withholding submission and taking back for a moment (or forever) their power.

Be seeing ya!