In the comments section tori and Malcolm both posed such interesting questions mouse decided they deserved their own place.Tori asked: Sorry im back!
I have been thinking about this post and the aspect of fear. I wander if a lot of fear subs/slaves have is the fear of 'losing themselves'?, i mean like i get scared and have these irrational worries of what will happen if he leaves me, how will i manage when i have become so dependent on him and the very fact that im dependent on him scares me and i want desperatley to retain some control.
I also fear that i trust him so completley that i occassionally want to test the boundries to be assurred he wont leave me.
Do you think thats a natural part of slavery/submission?
Well, you touched on something that mouse was discussing with a good friend just recently. Now, this friend recently became fed up with her bossy, or as she put it, shrew-like attitude and wanted to surrender (for lack of a better word) to her husband. She slowly learned (much on her own -- with just a teeny bit of mouse help) that she was afraid of giving up control over certain things because they made her feel needed and important in her relationship with her husband.
One of the things mouse did tell her, was to take a hard close-up look at why it was important for her to feel that way.
Back to you tori, mouse would ask -- are you really afraid that you couldn't take care of yourself if he left? Or are you saying you would miss him and his control coupled with all he does for you are really irrelevant? This is how mouse kinda looks at it, if something were to happen to Daddy, would mouse have to relearn how to pick out her own clothing? Or would she miss the idea of having him do it? Has she forgotten how to pay bills, balance the checkbook or budget money? Has mouse forgotten how to bring herself to orgasm?
Let's be honest -- all those things are rather a bit like riding a bicycle. You never really forget how to do them. You just don't need to focus on them. Now if Daddy were to leave, yes mouse would be devastated, not for what he does (or did) but because she loves him. No amount of money in the world could replace what he is to mouse.
Testing the boundaries is common -- for any number of reasons -- to see if he really meant something, or just feeling snarky and petulant. Testing where lines are drawn to make sure he doesn't leave is something else.
Do you feel more loved or safe when he corrects you or takes the time to punish you after you've pushed a boundary? Why do you think that is?
Next was from Malcolm who asked: As usual, mouse, after reading your post I feel wiser and better informed. You are very good at describing your own thoughts and feelings in a way that can be understood by a rather literal-minded guy like me.
My wife is not a submitter and doesn't want to be. She has no conception of the relief that submitting (not necessarily to someone but simply letting go of control) can give.
I have recently been wondering just how much control we do have over our lives. You know there is a school of thought that teaches No free will. Maybe you have come across it. I often wonder, are we really in control of our lives, or do they just happen, while we misguidedly think we are doing it all? You must have come across the Buddhist teaching, "Events happen; deeds are done; but there is no doer thereof." What do you make of that, mouse?
I don't really expect you to answer that in your comments section, but I may ask you in the formspring part later because I want to know your thoughts on it, since you are one of the most intelligent and articulate of the writers of D/s blogs.
Well, thanks for the compliment! Oddly enough, this song lyric played in mouse's head the whole time she thought about how to reply.
It first should be said that mouse is very much agnostic/atheist and has no belief whatsoever in any religion/faith. Nor does she believe in the supernatural, miracles, astral projections, mythology, ghosts, paranormal -- or anything like that. What mouse does truly believe is good and bad (or heaven and hell) exist in all of us. The influence of the "divine" does not mean someone is a good person, since ideas can be corrupted -- look at "good" people who believe their children should be protected from homosexuals and the "gay agenda"and feel justified in their hatred. Just like an absence of "divine" doesn't mean evil. Einstein was an agnostic.
How much control do we have in our day to day lives over what we do -- mouse would suggest not a whole lot. Not because she's a consensual slave, but because she lives in a society that has many, many laws that govern her and most people's lives. If a "choice" is made to drive above the speed limit, a possible consequence could be a ticket or worse an accident or injury.
Now is our planet/galaxy/universe a petri dish or science experiment on some being's table? Yes, it's possible, hence why mouse considers herself agnostic/atheist. Are our lives guided by some unseen hand? Probably not because there are just too many people in the world and everyone feels at times "someone" is meddling or nudging their lives. A better question might be, do our instincts come from our own mind and how those are interpreted determine our path? As humans, mouse believes that we are predisposed to look for faces in clouds, since the first thing we learn to focus on is a human face -- we are also prone to look for meanings or connections in random events. The earth quakes, there must a reason -- are the gods angry or dancing? How that was determined might depend on the damage it caused. Today, no one really believes that because we understand Tectonic Theory.
Now, Buddhism is something mouse can rather get behind and is kinda fascinated by (in fact she's working on a post on her own journey to meditation, which did not come easily). The Buddha was not, at least technically, a god, but according to the legend, rather a naturally born enlightened individual. Enlightenment, he taught (or believed and this is a very watered down version) isn't the destination, but more the journey and what you learn of yourself along the way. Now it should be said, mouse is in no way an expert on Buddhism or Tao Buddhism, Taoism, etc. However the idea that there is no doer...doesn't sit well with mouse. Again if mouse speeds and causes an accident -- she is the "doer" in that mess. We make things happen, we create things in our image not the other way around.
A final thought, addiction therapies and 12-step programs often talk heavily about handing over their addictions to a creator or "god as they know it." if they don't succeed it's not god's fault, the fault is theirs for not having enough faith in that deity, to take away their troubles. But if they remain sober they praise god for seeing them through (another thing mouse has a hard time understanding). If there is no free will, then it wouldn't matter what you did because nothing you would do could change the outcome -- that kind of forced helplessness that Alpha imposed on mouse more than 17 years ago. That just seems rather sadistic -- don't you think?
Honestly, mouse has many more thoughts on this subject but for now will hush, except to thoroughly agree letting go of control can be an enormous relief! And to thank you again for the thoughtful question. Also, we did see the questions you asked on formspring. If mouse didn't cover it in her reply (which was based on the comment left on the blog) please let her know and she will answer it.
Finally final. If you or anyone anyone else has differing views to share to Malcolm's question please feel free to jump into the discussion in the comments section below!