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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Struggles

"Will you just stop tilting at windmills," Daddy runs his fingers through his hair in that exasperated way he does when mouse's anxiety and fears have been triggered. He says it, as if mouse can simply reign in the fears she has. His expression softens, gathers her into his arms and again, possibly for the millionth time reminds her of his pledge in the hopes that hearing it just one more time will dismiss all her concerns.

Nodding her head, saying that yes, she gets it. He kisses her forehead, and seems relieved to have that behind him. Deep down he knows, just as well as she, she's placating him. Then as only she can do, in her Tiffany-twisted mind, muses if she's being placated. What if he tells what she needs to hear just so she'll be still about it all?

Each weekend he takes the children out to breakfast, giving him some time with them and giving mouse a break. The empty house feels cold, things echo a little too loudly. Even the dog seems melancholy or perhaps he's just breathing a sigh of relief, turning himself around several times before curling up for a rare undisturbed nap. Mostly, undisturbed until mouse grows restless, picking up toys and going from room to room making sure things are in order. The dog following close behind, as though he understands mouse is feeling lonely. Worried. Unsettled.

Really, deep down she knows she should enjoy this time. But she can't, nor can she slow down and just relax. If she stops the thoughts will return. But it really doesn't help -- much. Some rote activity like folding clothes, and mouse's mind wanders. It zeros in on the agitation. it's like an mosquito bite that itches -- but not all the time, only when it's irritated. Irrational thoughts provoke her. It's exhausting.

Then new worries emerge, what if all her concerns push him away? Like a self-fulfilling prophesy? What if her crazy makes him want to leave?

That was written just about a year ago, unpublished -- more of a whisper than a plea.

It was about trust, it was all about control and it was all in mouse's head.  It was about the past and the damage.  

The reason mouse purposely isn't identifying the fear here, the specific fear that drove to write this, is it doesn't matter what it is.  To some it might be incredibly benign or even silly.  Why would you be concerned at all about that?!  There's so much more to be worry about and you pick that? 

Yet, to mouse at that time it was the biggest thing.  It scared her more deeply than just about anything could.  It was a deal breaker.  

And, she's a consensual slave.  Without a voice -- well, that's not exactly right.  But it's worth mentioning because mouse belongs to him and for lack of better words, Owns her.  So if he actually chose to pursue this "deal breaking" venture, mouse would have no choice but to demure. and something inside her would die.  

So when Daddy made the pledge, he knew what he was saying.  He knew it triggered something primal in mouse, and he asked for her trust.  He never jokes about it or makes light of that particular fear, regardless of how outrageous it might be to him.  He doesn't qualify it with reason either.  He leaves it alone, because he understands its something that won't ever change.  And he accepts that.  He embraces that!  How extraordinary of him!  

Daddy vowed that above all he would protect mouse's physical as well as her mental health, as he would his own,  and that's what he does, with brilliant precision.  Each day, or month that passes that fear becomes less.  It shrinks and no longer threatens to consume her or make her morose. 

Yesterday, we argued briefly about vacation plans of all things and Daddy grew exasperated with mouse,  his hand ran through this hair as he shook his head saying, "Will you ever just stop tilting at windmills?" At once, mouse demurred kneeling before him in his study and rested her cheek on his knee.  He ran his fingers through her hair and she could feel the weight of his hand comforting her.  Reminding her of all we've been through.  In the end, mouse knows he'll take care of her, our children everything and all is required is a little trust.  


4 comments:

  1. Amazing mouse. Though it was written over a year ago, the top portion is some of what I struggle with currently.
    Many times "H" has held my face in his hands and asked if I even know why I have the worries, fears, thoughts I do. He's asked "Who did this to you?" and I have no real answer.
    All I know is he wants to be there for my struggle and I have to let go and let him, but then I too have feelings that maybe his comfort is just to get me to stop...
    I hate being alone in the house as well. I know they think it's wonderful to give "mommy" a break, but it makes me anxious at times.
    You are right, fears do pop up - I often find myself reorganizing clothing drawers or re cleaning things in the house, sometimes sorting toys by color and putting them away to occupy my idle hands.
    I have recently been on a personal journey to take the hand extended to me and "trust" in the trust.
    While our struggles, worries and such may not be the same, the actual worry itself does not matter, it's how we proceed with it and how we let them in.
    Funny that we too are arguing about vacation plans! It's that time of year though, and if a rental house isn't secure, you can bet you won't get one when you want it!
    I can hear the beach calling me.

    Hugs to you mouse.
    as always - Thanks for the look inside your thoughts.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this, mouse. The words you wrote, all of them, from the past and now, could have been pulled from my own head and heart, and probably many others. Our fears are also a part of who we are, woven within, and therefore it is accepted along with every other part of us, and held, tended and cared for. I read a post such as this and I am elated that there are others who have in their life what I richly enjoy with Dave in my own. And I hope this same thing for everyone.
    I recently found your site and this is the first post I've had the privilege to read. When I have time I hope to go back and read more from the archives. I have a feeling once I begin reading I will be here for awhile and lose track of time, so I need to be sure to plan for it. Thank you for writing.

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  3. You know - sometimes it is helpful to see that you guys do the crazy as well.

    Trust is a hard thing to learn, especially when all your past experience is informing you against it. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. mouse, I had not heard of the expression, "Tilting at windmills" however, after a little research I have to say I feel a connection to such a sentiment.

    I do not know all that you have experienced or the relationship you have with your Love. What I know is I appreciate your openness in sharing. Thank you for this entry.

    ~cockdoll

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