Struggles

"Will you just stop tilting at windmills," Daddy runs his fingers through his hair in that exasperated way he does when mouse's anxiety and fears have been triggered. He says it, as if mouse can simply reign in the fears she has. His expression softens, gathers her into his arms and again, possibly for the millionth time reminds her of his pledge in the hopes that hearing it just one more time will dismiss all her concerns.

Nodding her head, saying that yes, she gets it. He kisses her forehead, and seems relieved to have that behind him. Deep down he knows, just as well as she, she's placating him. Then as only she can do, in her Tiffany-twisted mind, muses if she's being placated. What if he tells what she needs to hear just so she'll be still about it all?

Each weekend he takes the children out to breakfast, giving him some time with them and giving mouse a break. The empty house feels cold, things echo a little too loudly. Even the dog seems melancholy or perhaps he's just breathing a sigh of relief, turning himself around several times before curling up for a rare undisturbed nap. Mostly, undisturbed until mouse grows restless, picking up toys and going from room to room making sure things are in order. The dog following close behind, as though he understands mouse is feeling lonely. Worried. Unsettled.

Really, deep down she knows she should enjoy this time. But she can't, nor can she slow down and just relax. If she stops the thoughts will return. But it really doesn't help -- much. Some rote activity like folding clothes, and mouse's mind wanders. It zeros in on the agitation. it's like an mosquito bite that itches -- but not all the time, only when it's irritated. Irrational thoughts provoke her. It's exhausting.

Then new worries emerge, what if all her concerns push him away? Like a self-fulfilling prophesy? What if her crazy makes him want to leave?

That was written just about a year ago, unpublished -- more of a whisper than a plea.

It was about trust, it was all about control and it was all in mouse's head.  It was about the past and the damage.  

The reason mouse purposely isn't identifying the fear here, the specific fear that drove to write this, is it doesn't matter what it is.  To some it might be incredibly benign or even silly.  Why would you be concerned at all about that?!  There's so much more to be worry about and you pick that? 

Yet, to mouse at that time it was the biggest thing.  It scared her more deeply than just about anything could.  It was a deal breaker.  

And, she's a consensual slave.  Without a voice -- well, that's not exactly right.  But it's worth mentioning because mouse belongs to him and for lack of better words, Owns her.  So if he actually chose to pursue this "deal breaking" venture, mouse would have no choice but to demure. and something inside her would die.  

So when Daddy made the pledge, he knew what he was saying.  He knew it triggered something primal in mouse, and he asked for her trust.  He never jokes about it or makes light of that particular fear, regardless of how outrageous it might be to him.  He doesn't qualify it with reason either.  He leaves it alone, because he understands its something that won't ever change.  And he accepts that.  He embraces that!  How extraordinary of him!  

Daddy vowed that above all he would protect mouse's physical as well as her mental health, as he would his own,  and that's what he does, with brilliant precision.  Each day, or month that passes that fear becomes less.  It shrinks and no longer threatens to consume her or make her morose. 

Yesterday, we argued briefly about vacation plans of all things and Daddy grew exasperated with mouse,  his hand ran through this hair as he shook his head saying, "Will you ever just stop tilting at windmills?" At once, mouse demurred kneeling before him in his study and rested her cheek on his knee.  He ran his fingers through her hair and she could feel the weight of his hand comforting her.  Reminding her of all we've been through.  In the end, mouse knows he'll take care of her, our children everything and all is required is a little trust.