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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Needing More

After spending some time Monday morning writing up the blog, a very long post that would stretch over a few days, mouse was feeling very contemplative. When she finished, mouse began doing her chores. Then when finished, the baby napping, mouse went into the study and sat at his feet. He had the day off and was busy working anyway. Had he taken the day off for mouse? To watch for signs of sub drop? There were so many questions inside her head, swirling around like a tornado. Him staying home or rather the reason for it, was at the bottom of it though.

If there was a question at the top of mouse's list, if he became Master, would he stop being Daddy? Why was there a need to call him that? Did mouse just need more from him now?

It's been this odd feeling burning lately, since earlier this year, like she was standing still or something was holding her back. Fear probably. Moving forward with something means going into unknown territory. There's a comfort in monotony. One day more or less follows the next. The lake provided a huge respite from routine, a couple months of different and it was completely different. No tv, no distractions.,..it was lovely.

When mouse returned home she kinda threw herself into all the back-to-school stuff. Ignoring the feelings is what mouse does best at times. But she couldn't hide it forever. It started coming out here in the blog especially when mouse expressed disappointment over our night out. Then rather suddenly when she gave him control over her down time...then wrote about how she felt she was failing all over the place...

Of course he said mouse was fine but asked what was going on lately. Couldn't really explain it, just this need, to go a bit deeper and see how it feels. But the thing stopping her from asking was him. Die he want more? This had to be mutual desire or it wouldn't last. Were we on the same page or different ones?

He listened carefully. He told mouse it didn't matter what she called him. As long as whatever it is, is what mouse feels him to be. Or needs. He told her it was perfectly fine to need more, to want delve a bit deeper. He had no qualms about it; .except he knew it would be hard for mouse. Change even good change like the kids is hard in the beginning, there's always a period of adjustment. If mouse is truly committed...

We talked about all the things we wanted. He's probably been on that page for a while and just waiting for mouse to catch up. Is it hard waiting? It seems like he's always waiting for mouse to catch up.

A small final note, on this Thursday morning, this post was actually written a little on Monday and Tuesday of this week.  There's been a lot of processing that's been going on in mouse's head lately.  And she knows there are comments she does need to reply to.  Promise to get to them soon...

One question by tori about maintenance spankings.  The whole weekend he didn't do them at all.  Monday they resumed.  Don't know though if they really helped.  They certainly didn't make mouse take his suggestions more seriously.  Like mouse said she's processing a lot right now...So it's difficult.  Master said things will eventually settle in mouse's head.  He's very confident (and that pisses mouse off just a tad).  

13 comments:

  1. I appreciate so much that you are willing to share this process here with us. I know how difficult it can be to wrap your head around things...I tend to think too much, but your journey often allows me an understanding into my own submission. So thanks!

    I hope that as you explore deeper you will find the comfort and contentedness you're seeking.

    hugs
    p

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the vote of encouragement. Today is a bit better for mouse. Its hard tho...the adjusting.

      Today, there is a lot to keep mouse busy and that's a blessing...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  2. My mouse,

    I understand your confusion. I have already noted positive differences and time is needed for you to further accumulate. You are an impatient imp. The waters you are treading are deep and you struggle to keep your head above it. When you begin to fail, remember mouse, I am there to hold you up.

    I have sensed for lengthy period of time now, you have needed more and I hesitated, possibly longer than I should.

    For now, for now your journal is very important to me. I need to better understand where your head is. I know fully where your heart is; intertwined forever with mine. Your internal thought process, is rather, much as myself, to be private in nature. There will always be the little secrets you try to keep from me. I expect you to. What I need is for you to be open and never fearful to share your deepest thoughts, your worst nightmares and your darkest fantasies. To trade in some of those tightly held secrets for the constancy you crave.

    My love is unwaveringly without conditions. If all the kink went away; I would still be in love with you.

    Unconditionally,
    Omega

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    Replies
    1. Master,

      You wrote rather nicely, "The waters you are treading are deep and you struggle to keep your head above it. When you begin to fail, remember mouse, I am there to hold you up."

      Its probably no mistake you said you'd only hold mouse up....You didn't say you'd take her to an area that isn't so deep.

      That's probably a good thing for us?

      Eventually maybe it won't feel like treading water?

      There is another thing, mouse needs to hear you say those words to her...she needs to hear your voice saying them a lot lately it seems....

      It's not like you don't...You do...

      It reassures mouse and helps make her feel safe...

      forever,
      mouse

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  3. Mouse, I appreciate how difficult processing these deeper thoughts can be, I do alot of soul searching myself, wondering if what I crave is actually what is best for me, and if I'm strong enough to be at the mercy of those desires.

    Flip

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    Replies
    1. Yes...yes...

      Thanks for commenting flip!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. I completley get the ignoring feelings.....i do it, and i know deep down that avoiding all these swirling of thoughts going through ones head is not a soloution....i think you know that to?

    I wander (coz im wandering now, not thinking lol) if its a sort of defence mechanism, because to perhaps address these feelings, thoughts etc might open a can of worms?, would it be moving forward? which means change and that can be scary because as you said its venturing into unknown territory.....and a lot of what ifs....anyways thats my rambling about that.

    I was also thinking....yeah im on a roll....about what you said about it seems like Omega's always waiting for you to catch up....

    Maybe its more beneficial for it to be that way for both of you?, i mean because its demonstrating a readiness to go there (wherever there may be) a willingness to want to and thats growth..which is always a good thing..yes?

    x

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    Replies
    1. tori,

      He's noticed the "rumblings" from mouse...It seems he knows mouse well enough when she starts (unwittingly) writing about it in the blog...he knows she's close.

      Ignoring things is an issue for mouse...hiding herself at times....totally an issue.

      And ya there is a fear that maybe it's not what mouse needs and by asking for it...in the long run it would make her miserable...

      Yes, he firmly believes that it's far better for the slave to more or less ask for the Master's control, rather than the Master simply taking it...

      So yes, he does spend a lot of time waiting....

      This latest thing...really...he could have been on this page three years ago...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. I'm new to your blog, obviously, but I enjoy it already.

    I get being fearful of the unknown...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Don't be afraid of whats to come even if you don't know what it is. I use to be like that with my Daddy and I never wanted changes, but Daddy was always there when i needed Him or if I wanted to try something different. My Daddy expects me to want more. In the beginning of our relationship I never really let Daddy control anything because I was His submissive....but as things went on i evolved into His slave and He controls everything. and i mean everything from cloths..to food..to when i use the bathroom. and i need Him to do that or I'd feel lost or empty.


    You can so this mouse. You have an AMAZING Daddy. This could be a boost that you very well need

    ((HUGS))

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the encouragement...it's obvious mouse needs it right now..

      It's interesting tho, you mentioned the feeling lost or empty without the control and it's the empty feeling that resonates so deeply with mouse. It's not that she couldn't decide what to wear or what to clean...

      It's that she'd feel empty without the nudge.

      Hugs
      mouse

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  7. I think you have an awesome relationship (Mouseg/ Omega) as a 'vanilla' the commitment and trust it takes to sustain a dynamic such as your blows me away! You guys have love, trust, open communication and a heartfelt desire to treat one another as each individual wishes to be treated (as opposed to treat others as you wish to be treated). I love this blog especially your notes to one another. Your kids r v fortunate to have such empathic and loving parents as role models. All the best C

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