There is a Season

Daddy's new control, feels somewhat like his old control, but at that time, don't think mouse was ready for it.. Reading back through the past...having a journal is kinda helpful. Normally when Daddy would take more control it was because mouse needed it. PTSD issues, dredging the past...it was a tool to help mouse.

This isn't the first time she's asked him for more...but this time is different. Before she meant it, but she was also pushed by someone else -- or so it felt to mouse. When you try something before you're really ready for it -- it just rarely works out. There's been lots of times when mouse asked him to arrange her day and failed. It wasn't him -- it was mouse because she wasn't prepared for what it would feel like. At the time she wrote in our private journal, it felt not right. It felt like something she shouldn't want. And mouse totally balked. So he backed off, taking control where he could -- to make mouse feel safe.

Gosh, it's taken her so long to get here and where will this lead?

He's micromanaging mouse's day. We wake earlier now, he runs on the treadmill and watches mouse do yoga nude. Then we shower...he slaps mouse's ass until she cries and then locks her up in a corset. Then has her dress.

Not doing the gym anymore. Haven't been able to really go for months. It seemed most times the class mouse wanted to take was full, or the class was empty and daycare was full. It's a lot of money to spend time walking on a treadmill because everything else is packed -- when she can walk at home for essentially free. So now we wake up super early and exercise together. Exercise and mouse don't really get along, but she's trudging through. Yes she complains...he laughs...

All the rituals and other things we do are staying, because we enjoy it and love the closeness they bring us.

When we're alone, more now than before, mouse calls him Master. It's personal and beautifully expressive. It reminds mouse that she belongs to him by choice and not by design. Not born to be his slave, but because it's what she wanted. Being submissive or pleasing might be mouse's nature; part of her hard-wiring, but handing herself over to him is the choice.

When he told mouse she had to first appreciate freedom, obviously mouse hadn't done that before. Also, those yucky cabinets? Well, Daddy reminded mouse that he didn't do it to be mean or seem unduly harsh. He's mentioned them numerous times to mouse (before summer), which she took as a suggestion if she had time and not a command -- which he felt it was a priority. As for the rest of the house -- well that just happened. Oh, and for the record, she burned threw 20 boxes of 6. Expensive lesson for mouse.

Recently, mouse has done this a lot. He knows the kids have good and bad days and some days are easier than others. He doesn't like to flatly say...do such in such, because he knows mouse will make herself crazy (and the kids) trying to complete it. But now he feels most days this shouldn't be an issue, unless the baby is sick, which then he understands fully and expects if he doesn't know that he'll be contacted about it. What he doesn't want to see is that the baby was perfectly fine all day, took a nap, woke with a fever and absolutely nothing accomplished with mouse in a panic. Because, then he can only presume and he'd be right in this, mouse blew off much the day screwing around. Then when things turned to shit...

He's got a point.

He's very, well he's always been anti-procrastination. He would say he learned that lesson young, he was often ill as a kid and probably because of that he began to take full advantage of the times he wasn't. The corset, while it does improve mouse's posture (really can't believe how often she slouched), it also constricts her...

It's like a constant reminder that there aren't any choices. Well there are always choices...or maybe options. But...Refusing isn't one of them and honestly, if she's going to say no to anything -- it's going be for something more than this. But having said that, all that, there were some moments yesterday when mouse thought about loosening it. Actually, she just wanted the damn thing off. It was warm in the house mouse felt yucky...The contained feeling began to make mouse a bit batty. It felt more claustrophobic than like a hug.

He's told mouse not to touch the laces -- they are off limits to her, in fact she's not allowed to touch the corset at all before it's put on her. He has her raise her arms and he puts over her head. When she whines about it...he holds his ground and just says that he understands. It's weird that a piece of clothing would bring out such odd feelings in mouse.

Some days this week have been easy to accept it all and other days...well it's been a struggle. Wednesday was a struggle day. Thursday wasn't as bad and today isn't. Maybe it's just the newness of all the changes that have mouse feeling skittish? It's like being a newbie and learning what he wants all over again.

A good friend mentioned that all relationships evolve and change...even Master/slave relationships...there seems to be a time of moving forward and standing still. This is mouse's time to learn and grow.