This blog contains information that is adult in nature. If you are underage please leave at once.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Heart of the Matter

While meditating last night with Daddy, mouse had a curious thought.  It seems if Freud is correct, it even caused some odd dreams.  While doing her yoga exercises this morning, mouse became immersed in thoughts other than what she was doing -- not very mindful at all.  

All these things feel very new and very different from what she had years before.  On many levels mouse understands that she can't live in the past (gosh with her past, who'd want to?) or compare the two.  But this even feels different from her beginnings with Omega.  We've been together in a more or less M/s styled relationship now since 2009.  Of course we've had adjustments, issues, like many people, a baby added to the mix.  Goodness knows mouse has more than her share of "issues" that often perplexed and vexed Daddy.  He's had his own issues to deal with also.  In fact he's different, he's more like the man she used to know years before his troubles -- but wiser and more aware of his own limitations.  He's grown and mouse feels that she hasn't.  

Of course reading these pages you'd think she has...but more recently mouse realized that mouse doesn't feel like mouse anymore.

This is going to sound weird...

"mouse" the person gets things, understands slavery and knows exactly what her Master expects of her most of the time and carries lots and lots of baggage from her past.   It haunts her and often prevents her -- the PTSD creeps up on her and it's horrible at times... 

This person typing this, answering to the name mouse, hasn't any answers and knows nothing...

Sure she gets the lifestyle, understands all the things mouse knows all about...including a fair amount of suffering...

And maybe that's part of it?  

This person sitting here now. pounding at the keyboard, back straight, wearing a corset who worries endlessly about her children and Master/Daddy doesn't carry the baggage of the past, and doesn't worry about the suffering.    

And she feels nothing like mouse.

At the same time this person gets angry with Master/Daddy and frustrated, more so with herself -- and it feels like she's learning all this for the first time.  

Is it possible that mouse has outgrown being mouse?  

24 comments:

  1. Never. You shall forever be My Mouse.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Letting the past go does not change who we are, but it allows us to be a better version of ourselves.

    Once we have learned from our past we have taken all we can from it. This is a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is and you're right dancing. And now that mouse is getting used to it, (not to say the struggles are over), it's helped mouse feel much more centered than she has in a long time.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  3. mouse,
    I think it makes sense.I'm not sure if I undersrand but it sounds like mouse the person, and mouse in the mindset. and you've grown so much in this lifestyle, and the person who you were with all the baggage has stayed, even though you have grown and learned how to deal with some of those issues, but the slave you is grown and changed.it makes complete sense....maybe the other part of mouse just needs to catch up now. You've entered a new stage of your dynamic. New rules with Omega. But you're mind is making it hard to accept things get punishments and you're upset with yourself but of just takes a while to catch up.with having a past with PTSD,i know it gets hard ..or maybe I am reading this all wrong.in that case.sorry.
    Dynamics change, grow...evolve...they never have to end.you don't have to stop being mouse.you don't have to outgrow being mouse.

    -ash

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are different, you have matured and become more experienced every day. I see it in every post you write. But, your core being remains, your love for Daddy and your family, your desire to please Daddy, your willingness to suffer and spirit of kindness.

    Hug,
    joey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much joey!!

      Honestly, mouse never thought she'd feel so at peace with this.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  5. Just a personal observation. For more than 3/4 of my life I collected hedgehogs, my family nickname referenced a literary hedgehog. When threatened in any way,I curled into a ball and prickled at everyone. As Sir and I grew in our D/s my trust in him deepened. He would not allow the abuse I had experienced before to ever happen again. Over a year ago I packed away most of my collection to paint several rooms. They are still in the closet. They arent me anymore. Maybe mouse is like the caterpillar in the chrysallis , the pain of today is growing pains, soon to emerge as a butterfly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is interesting thank you for sharing it.

      Delete
  6. oooooh hang on, the not carry the baggage any more bit made some sense to me...

    like, you've dropped some baggage now through self development and progress and all that and so now you can feel frustration and see it all anew and all those things you couldn't before? Because now you're more secure?

    This reminds me a bit of when my husband and I got married. We had been together five years already and living together for nearly four those during which we went through ups and downs, various crises, and dynamic sorting. Then we got married and seemed to go through a shake down all over again. It took me by suprise then, but now I look back and wonder if we sorting out stuff we didn't feel secure enough to before?

    Anyhow, I don't think it means that you're not mouse any more necessarily, just that you're on big adventures and much exploration xxx

    mamacrow

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mamacrow,

      That could be true the part about feeling secure enough to shake things up and sort through issues you probably knew were there, but weren't ready to deal with.

      Not carrying the baggage was actually a surprise to mouse...the focus was misplaced a little maybe....and she didn't see how much better things are now...

      Thank you for your comment....it makes complete sense.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  7. Maybe mouse its simply that your growing, or have grown, all that is past is ready to be let go of, and i wish i had something more profound to say than that..but i dont!

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. its Ok tori...Maybe tho we're both growing a little...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  8. Outgrown? yes, not only possible but probable. People, like everything lse, change all the time

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Malcolm Sir.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  9. it sounds like you're evolving a bit
    and that's always a good thing

    not always a comfortable thing
    but a good thing

    and a mouse by some other name -- would be as sweet, kind and thoughtful

    you and your Omega will work out if you need to make a symbolic blog name change as well - when you're at your next stage

    hugs -- and very positive thoughts

    B

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bea...

      Just love what you wrote. Who knows maybe he will change mouse's blog name or something...Down the line.

      But for now, think mouse is just going to just live in the moment and enjoy the way it feels right now.

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  10. mouse: This is going to sound rich coming from me, but try not to over think it. It's inevitable that you are in the process of change. Whilst I don't feel I entirely understand what you are trying to express in this post (probably because you aren't quite ready/able to put the feeling/sense into words yet) I wonder if you are having more calm times and that's the thing that feels odd. I now notice when I am out of sorts because that's a lot more rare than it used to be. I used to be so...emotional. I now feel much more...steady and content. Does it feel at all like that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! That..right there...

      The calm feels odd to mouse and really have a hard time processing it. What's the saying...water off a duck's back?

      Just letting go and knowing that Daddy is in control it's so comforting..

      Thanks for understanding...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  11. Maybe "mouse" is/was a coping mechanism...and now it has become a symbol of the past you. Symbols are weirdly powerful

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it could be. Or maybe mouse was the symbol of what she would become. Or needed to grow into being?

      Interesting...Thanks for your comment...

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete
  12. On change. . . Change is natural, it effects everything we are. but it doesn't change who we have become through the experience from the new selves. You will always be mouse you may not be the same mouse but you will remain yourself.
    Mouse, you have beautiful writings, and it is very easy to understand your viewpoints by the form you create. Thanks for sharing you story and remember change isn't bad, you can let yourself change but don't lose who you are.

    Thank you,
    -Sir

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Change isn't bad ;) you're right about that.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Hugs,
      mouse

      Delete

Comments are suspended for now.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.