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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Emotions

Yesterday, after blogging about being angry with Master and feeling just as angry after hitting the publish button. Usually, by that time her anger would have dissipated a lot. Somehow she forced herself to kiss him goodbye, his hand touched the welts on her bottom and he told her to "be good," and said she could pout for 5 more minutes before starting the laundry.

And mouse did just that. Staring at her phone she counted down 5 minutes feeling like she'd been placed on a time out. Feeling just as resentful, mouse got up and began the chores he'd printed for her. Being the organization junky he is, he wrote up several variations of daily chores or tasks mouse was to perform. Several things always appear on the list. Like laundry, light cleaning, going for walks, park outings for the baby when the weather is nice, trips to the mall or library when it's not. He'll include things to do while the baby naps too. Those are more optional.

Put a lot of anger to good use by scrubbing the bathroom tubs. There was so much pent up hostility over Monday night, most mouse really truly couldn't explain. There are moments, mouse has written about before -- this is a time when her own words came back to bite her in the ass...

There it was glaring at mouse a whole post on Control. It was written by mouse in 2012, under the Newbie Tuesday label. One line stood out to mouse, when saying the fun stuff was generally easy, the harder stuff that really feels more like control isn't. "What they miss, is by doing the unsavory stuff, they are in effect deepening their submission." Thank you 2012 mouse. Bitch.

Yet it was true, all of it. It wasn't about the corset, or cleaning being punished for lying...it was about the control. It was about feeling conflicted because this time mouse asked for this and had been deeply desiring it for a long time. Dinner was easy. Not much thought required...but mouse wasn't being very mindful though. Just kept pouring over all these thoughts. Couldn't tell if the anger was leaving tho. It didn't feel like it...but there was a shift, now mouse was more angry at herself. 

We finally talked long after dinner and mouse confessed that she was struggling but was angry with herself and not as much with him. We spoke more about the expectations and how they aren't so very different.  The difference is that they are more enforced.  Master said mouse will find her footing and will adjust.   Just like she's adjusting to wearing the corset.  It just takes time to get used to the control he's going to have over her.  It's not for everyone but most times mouse does thrive under it.  Master said he doesn't mouse holding onto anger with herself, it's ok to be a little frustrated because that will eventually lead to improvement but anger isn't good.

He wanted to know if anything he's done so far has caused an increase in anxiety.  That perplexed mouse for a moment because really since all this began that's the one thing she hasn't felt.  There were moments when she went back to the market for coffee, but nothing like the full blown panic attacks she used to have.  He said it's hard because society is different.  Society wants everyone to be the same.   There's no loss of freedom here.   A choice was made and that's all.

10 comments:

  1. We all struggle with these things sometimes and even though it does not seem like it will happen, we do grow from them.

    Wanting more and then being upset when it occurs is something that pretty much happens every time we move a step forward. Especially if that "more" is not exactly what one had in mind.

    The pattern over here is that once this slave has excepted the new rules, control or whatever you want to call it, they become commonplace and she doesn't really give them a second thought. That's when Master knows she is ready for more and it starts all over again.

    That, dear mouse, is progress and you are doing just fine.

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    1. Thanks! You're right, there's a pattern to it....

      Is there ever a point where we're done tho?

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  2. I read your post yesterday several times. I could not process my emotional response which was very different than my logical analysis.

    After much internal conflict, I decided that I could not provide advice or an opinion.

    I just want to thank you for sharing and being so honest with us.

    Hug,
    joey

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    Replies
    1. Sending hugs to you joey. Your comments mean a lot to mouse.

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  3. I have been following your blog now for a couple of weeks. Your post yesterday was very moving. It made me think back on a similar moment for me which I never had the courage to write about. Thank you for sharing. Perhaps you have given me the strength to finally write about it.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Welcome to the blog and hope you comment again.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. i just want you to know that i was thinking about you today. Sending you light and peace for your journey. You will make it. So will He. :) i dunno if Omega ever needs encouragement, but bringing up intense feelings for us means your plan is working. It just is a hard mountain to climb. Mouse, he has faith in you or he wouldn't be giving you what you both need. i know it feels awful right now. Hang in there, sugar. i'm rooting for you (both).
    jade
    www.jadescastle.com

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    1. jade,

      Daddy is very confident that things will all work out and he's probably right.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. Your degree of submission is beautiful to read about, but it is your candid honesty that captivates me. I hope this comes out as I intend, but even reading of your struggles is beautiful because it's so human and not a Disneyfied version of a submissive's journey. xx

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    1. Thanks Ava...

      Sometimes it is like Disneyland...other times...it's not, and more like a crappy carnival. lol

      Hugs,
      mouse

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