Emotions

Yesterday, after blogging about being angry with Master and feeling just as angry after hitting the publish button. Usually, by that time her anger would have dissipated a lot. Somehow she forced herself to kiss him goodbye, his hand touched the welts on her bottom and he told her to "be good," and said she could pout for 5 more minutes before starting the laundry.

And mouse did just that. Staring at her phone she counted down 5 minutes feeling like she'd been placed on a time out. Feeling just as resentful, mouse got up and began the chores he'd printed for her. Being the organization junky he is, he wrote up several variations of daily chores or tasks mouse was to perform. Several things always appear on the list. Like laundry, light cleaning, going for walks, park outings for the baby when the weather is nice, trips to the mall or library when it's not. He'll include things to do while the baby naps too. Those are more optional.

Put a lot of anger to good use by scrubbing the bathroom tubs. There was so much pent up hostility over Monday night, most mouse really truly couldn't explain. There are moments, mouse has written about before -- this is a time when her own words came back to bite her in the ass...

There it was glaring at mouse a whole post on Control. It was written by mouse in 2012, under the Newbie Tuesday label. One line stood out to mouse, when saying the fun stuff was generally easy, the harder stuff that really feels more like control isn't. "What they miss, is by doing the unsavory stuff, they are in effect deepening their submission." Thank you 2012 mouse. Bitch.

Yet it was true, all of it. It wasn't about the corset, or cleaning being punished for lying...it was about the control. It was about feeling conflicted because this time mouse asked for this and had been deeply desiring it for a long time. Dinner was easy. Not much thought required...but mouse wasn't being very mindful though. Just kept pouring over all these thoughts. Couldn't tell if the anger was leaving tho. It didn't feel like it...but there was a shift, now mouse was more angry at herself. 

We finally talked long after dinner and mouse confessed that she was struggling but was angry with herself and not as much with him. We spoke more about the expectations and how they aren't so very different.  The difference is that they are more enforced.  Master said mouse will find her footing and will adjust.   Just like she's adjusting to wearing the corset.  It just takes time to get used to the control he's going to have over her.  It's not for everyone but most times mouse does thrive under it.  Master said he doesn't mouse holding onto anger with herself, it's ok to be a little frustrated because that will eventually lead to improvement but anger isn't good.

He wanted to know if anything he's done so far has caused an increase in anxiety.  That perplexed mouse for a moment because really since all this began that's the one thing she hasn't felt.  There were moments when she went back to the market for coffee, but nothing like the full blown panic attacks she used to have.  He said it's hard because society is different.  Society wants everyone to be the same.   There's no loss of freedom here.   A choice was made and that's all.