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Friday, November 8, 2013

What I'm Living For

A strong rebuke about neglecting blogging duties came from Daddy while we talked this morning and that's the problem -- There just isn't anything to talk about.  How many posts regaling the wonders of laundry and an endless humdrum of chores can readers suffer through?  He listened to mouse and asked, do you write for readership or for me?  

It's a good question isn't it?  It's probably something that every blogger goes through, the scary point when they begin to consider their readership more than themselves.  Truly mouse doesn't want to bore people with insignificant doldrums of the passing days without Daddy here.   Is that the sexy or struggles more fun to write about?  

Another valid question and what of reading other people's blogs, because she's been fairly absent from that too.  So, here sits mouse pondering all these questions Daddy put to her and she's without answers to even the simplest of the lot.  Reading other blogs is taxing when you feel so miserable.  Yes, mouse hates that he's away, so very far away and we can't keep in very close contact.  It's terrible to admit, but there's more than a few times when he's taken the time to phone, mouse has been distracted with other things and actually cut the call short.  

It wasn't a good time and that's just heartbreaking to mouse.  

During quiet times, needing Daddy so badly and staring at the phone willing it to ring.  Or sending a text she knows he won't see for a while and then obsessing about it.   

It's like we're out sync.  We are.  There's nothing we can do about that.  Coupled with the fact he doesn't know how much longer all this will take -- the uncertainty wracks mouse to the point she shuts down from him.   It's probably a form of self-protection and shouldn't mouse be beyond that by now? 

The other big part to this tapestry is that she doesn't want Daddy to worry or be concerned about us because we're just muddling through.  

It's been hard for mouse though, these days with him away and there's no other way to express this and putting on the brave face for him and for others just seems too difficult right now.  Please don't think that mouse is just crumbling on the floor because she's not doing that either, but siting here blogging just reminds mouse that he's not here all the more.   It's conflict that she can't resolve.