Taking a day off, and thinking about the mental drift mouse has experienced. As she wrote on Monday, the shift wasn't in anyway intentional and mouse did a lame search to see if she'd written about this before. The emotions are quite strong and linger still. All that was completely expected, but what was so breathtaking to mouse was the depth of submission she felt toward him when she felt "safe" in displaying it.
It's hard to describe how the drift from slavery occurred, but mouse also suspects now it's why her blogging went quiet, so it's been going on a while now. It's not Daddy's fault or mouse's fault. While his expectations do keep mouse in line, in many ways they're also easy. Most have to do with things so far out of his control..still mouse thought about them. Considered ways that she really could try to fulfill. Writing this even now, mouse feels a pang of guilt. Disingenuous to us.
It's not as though mouse doesn't keep her eyes lowered inside Daddy's study or calls him Master respectively. It's almost as though they were just things she did or said without thinking about them. Somehow, mouse forgot to let Daddy take care of her, the way he takes care of everyone.
Sometimes when we eat out, as example, with the family (usually breakfast) mouse fusses over the kids, the baby and almost forgets that Daddy's there too. Usually we don't even sit near each other so he doesn't expect much from mouse. There's a distinct difference between pestering and doting. If there's jelly on the table mouse thinks he might like, telling him or pointing it out is pestering him. Obviously he can see it, he's well aware of what he likes or dislikes. Now, if mouse takes a small dollop of jam and places it on his bread then it's accepted. Doting on him. Stirring his coffee, etc are all things mouse has forgotten to do at least when we're out. If she's honest it's more of a rush or a blur to mouse inside our home.
The baby probably has changed us more than we realized. Or maybe it's just mouse, who has changed.
Sometimes and this is one of them, where mouse feels like a first class bitch. How does mouse hold onto these wonderful feelings and use them to make some serious changes?