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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Echoed in the Wells of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again...
It's quiet, and not that bad uncomfortable quiet like we had last week but a nice easy quiet. Sir's been busy with work and settling arrangements for his holiday a mere weeks away. He said he's going to work to make his mouse comfortable with her submission in sort of public settings. He's not into outlandish things but serving him is something he would like mouse to not feel the need to make excuses for.

On the surface it sounds so simple. Just do what Sir wants! In practice, however mouse feels the need to explain the omnipresent "why" in everything. Like well, "just old fashioned this way." or some other flavored excuse. We've grown adapt at him handling the ordering of meals, with mouse sometimes looking at the menu and saying that she just can't decide and turning to him...
Sometimes he'll cut that off by saying he'll be ordering for the lady. Can mouse just say that she wants to die a little inside when he does that? Yes, she shouldn't give a toss what anyone thinks..and for most part she doesn't. Except when she does feel the flush of embarrassment. The quiet sometimes helps her sort out why it bothers her? Why does society and other people's expectations bother mouse at times?

It's all ego and appearances and the crux of the matter. Sir gets it and understands it and wants mouse to feel more at ease with ignoring it. If people jump to the conclusion that she's a "ninny" well, he said so be it. He also reminded mouse many, many times that he knows that she's absolutely that. Sir believes firmly that women can do and be anything they wish. They're not above or below men; equal but different. If mouse wanted to return to work, he would support it and encourage her to follow whatever dream she has. Time and again she has confirmed here and to him personally that she doesn't want to be ashamed of her submission. It bothers her to no end that she feels she must defend it or worse make excuses for it, as though it's wrong.

So, Sir will help mouse and assist her in changing the way she feels and thinks about things. The summer place is perfect for this, since we're seasonal -- nobody really knows us. It's his hope that as mouse sees that no one cares about the little things she does or will think less of her for them.


  1. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of. It doesn't make you a ninny. It makes you strong enough to buck the tide and do it the way you and he have decided you want it.


    1. Yes, it should...but at the same time....

      Can't explain it. Not sure it's possible to explain it.

  2. Oh, that sounds hard. I actually love it when he orders for me, but it is only once in a blue moon, or less often than that. He frequently talks for me in other situations, and I'm just shy enough that I appreciate it for that reason.

    But I totally understand your thought of not wanting to appear "less than" in front of other people. I know I would want to explain to them, but never could find the words.

    Probably people either will not notice or think very little about it. It is generally our own self consciousness that is the biggest hurdle there.

    1. That is it...the whole "less than" thing....on a rational level it's crap to let it bother....

  3. You know, when I first came to the US and DH, as the host father, took the family out to dinner, I would turn to him asking him to please order for me. It was natural, the menu (english) totally overwhelmed me and then speaking in front of the waitress and the whole family was so intimidating to me at that time. DH could tell, and ordered the best thing for me that I still order when I go back to that restaurant. To me letting him order is such a trust exercise, I never even considered being embarrassed about it in front of the waiter.
    So I guess I am trying to say you shouldn't either. It's none of the person's business and I often don't even think they notice who orders what and why.

    1. Thanks!!!!

      It's doubtful anyone cares...except...those who do....

  4. Hello mouse,
    If ever I have felt connected to a feeling you have, this would be it. One would think because I have an online journal and even a Fetlife account, both of which exposes me in a multitude of ways, that I would be comfortable with public submission. Nothing could be further than the truth. With the exception of referring to Master as Master when in public, I rarely show a hint of who I am and the relationship we share.

    Part of this stems from my private nature. The on-line journal and my other profile were created by Master and are still, to this day, active instructions from him. I would have most likely deleted both years ago (well I never would have started it to begin with) had it been my choice. In truth I do not like people to know much about me. Not the personal stuff and when I consider being openly submissive it prickles every one of my nerves. This visceral response does not solely come from my introverted nature it also stems from not believing in myself enough.

    I wish other people's opinions did not matter. I have often admired those individuals who move through the world confident in stride and self. They buckle under no one's disapproval and never back down when confronted.

    I believe in freedom of choice. Many women before me fought so I could have choice and yet here I am hiding from it. Instead of walking proudly beside Master, moving as His, I hide in shame. I struggle with this knowledge, it is not easy to confess to such a reality but it is my truth.

    I have felt the shame from other women. Women who have ridiculed me for the relationship I have, women who have cast ugly stones of hate labelling me as the billboard of abuse. I have heard nearly every unkind word and although all of that prickles what hurts the most if that I allow their voices to to mean more than Master's.

    Who are they to say anything about me? Who is anyone to judge any of us for the lives we are living? I am not asking anyone to live my life and I fail to see you trying to force your way of life on anyone as well. All I should care about is what Master thinks of me. Rationally I know this. Logically I know this. As I type this to you know I know that is true so why, why then do I allow their opinion to affect my worth?

    The only answer I have is because I still have yet to discover my worth, to believe in myself, to believe in my submission. Some lessons are harder to master; however, I hope that with Omega's help you will feel stronger, more confident in your place with him outside the home. So that when you are at dinner and he orders you offer your server the warmest, most confident smile.

    Little steps equal big rewards.

  5. Alder laughed when I mentioned this to him. In all the years we have been together, he has always ordered for me when we eat out, and until you wrote about it we never thought it was a "thing"!

    There are some circumstances, though, when he speaks on my behalf in social situations, and I just wish he wouldn't. On my own I'm sociable, outgoing and super-confident, but when he's there, I can't get a word in - Alder could talk for England!
    And yes, it does make me wonder what people think of me; and I'd hate anyone to think I'm shy, yet I think they must when I just stand quietly at his side.


    1. Oh Sir has always done this's never once bothered mouse in the least.

      It's amazing what a scowl of disapproval can do.

  6. No, it doesnt matter really what people think, but it is difficult to not care about what people think, well it is for me.

    I think its simply because perhaps some displays of submissive behavior in public isnt the 'norm', but then i also think society has changed so much that certain manners and etiquette have been lost.

    I was brought up that the man always ordered at restaurants, i will choose what i would like, but the bossman will place the order, he opens my car door for me when getting in and out, he waits for me to be seated before he will sit himself, and some of our friends find it very amusing and quirky...but it wasnt that many years ago when this behavior was the norm!


    1. This is very true! Sir does all those things also. It's how he was raised.

  7. Mouse,

    Maybe it is because I am typically uncomfortable in public settings, but him ordering for me, I've never felt uncomfortable with. And we have never made a big deal out of it, looks or inquiries from the wait-people. I usually stop talking when they come and take the order and the most he will say is, "For her" and continue on. And I'm really not sure if one person ordering for another (whatever gender or relationship happens to be) is such an odd thing. I've witnessed plenty of times, wives ordering for their husbands and kids, boyfriends ordering for girlfriends, I am not sure it is so out of place that it would strike anyone as an oddity.
    I hope you can find a way to feel comfortable--I think trying it out from your home area is a brilliant idea!
    I so enjoy the little, subtle acts of slavehood that we employ in public :)

    1. Sir will order for mouse first, "the lady will have...." or "for the lady" then he orders for himself last.

      Normally mouse loves serving him...anywhere and never gives it a thought.


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