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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Whatever Gets you Through the Night

Monday morning after reading the blog, Daddy began looking for that tube of lube mouse had unwittingly purchased. He swore he left it in the top drawer of his desk. Monday evening when he used mouse he didn't mention it again. Tuesday morning he asked mouse about it. Actually he accused her of hiding it. When mouse said she had no idea what happened he again accused her of lying to him.

He bent her over the desk and using the cane didn't hold back much, after he told her to tell the truth and she said nothing.

Oh she was soooo angry with him and then when she began to the laundry, her rear still smarting from the punishment, while going through his pants she found the bottle of lube. Two thoughts crossed her mind.

Thought one: she considered since he's already punished her, she might as well throw the evil shit away.

Thought two: There would be little satisfaction in thought one. He would still think she was guilty and lied to him.

So, she placed the tube on his desk where she knew he'd find it, and closed the door behind her. This punishment had deeply pissed mouse off. He had rushed to unfairly judge and convict her of something that actually was his own damn fault. When he returned home from work that evening mouse struggled to be nice and made it clear she was only going through the motions.

Dinner wasn't fancy some sausages he liked with onions, peppers and potato. It was all she could do to keep from throwing the ketchup at him. He went to his study after dinner and called for mouse shortly after. Guess he found the lube, but mouse took her time and waited until the kitchen was cleaned up.

He didn't ask where she found the stuff, he simply acknowledged it was on his desk and mouse replied that she found it in his pants. It might have jogged his memory because he apologized and put the evil stuff into the wardrobe cabinet.

In one or mouse's fantasy scenarios, when Daddy learned of his error he vowed to make it up to mouse and threw the evil stuff into the trash.

He asked mouse to bend over his desk, and he lifted her skirt looking at the welts he left behind.

In the other fantasy scenario he kissed the welts tenderly -- seriously mouse needs to stop reading romance novels.

He asked if it hurt very much. It wasn't too bad, mouse admitted. He turned her around and told her he was again sorry. There was something in mouse that demanded more than just an apology. A hug, a tender kiss, something sweet, but no.

"That's all?" mouse asked as she saw him sit behind his desk, with her own frustration and anger rising.

"I erred and apologized. What happens next is up to you. You can forgive me or remain angry, I cannot force you to accept it. I could apply a balm of irrational sweetness, prostrate at your mercry, however we both know it would be false."

The words emotionally stunted bastard flew out of mouse's mouth before her brain could stop her and she stormed out of the study.

Yes, he had a point I could simply forgive that he made an error and let it go, but did he have to act like it wasn't a big deal? He punished me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and then made me feel almost guilty for expecting more!

Irrational sweetness?!

What the fuck did that mean? Was he saying and admitting that he'd have to fake it just to make me feel better? What's wrong with that anyway? What the fuck is wrong with him?

Yes, mouse was completely fired up at this point and beyond pissed off at him.

We've had arguments like this before, each have been difficult to overcome, because he doesn't concern himself with pesky emotions and we all know mouse is highly emotional. Usually that balances us out, except when it doesn't. So mouse did the most adult thing she could manage, she went upstairs to our bedroom, hid in the closet and cried.

After an hour or so of tears mouse went back downstairs and returned to his study. At first she was going to yell at him more, call him names. He wasn't working, as she had assumed, but just staring -- like he does at times.

"You want anything?" mouse asked leaving off the "Sir" part a bit on purpose.

He took mouse's hand and held it a moment in his own and kissed it softly. He quietly explained himself a little more -- things that mouse was always aware of but sometimes forgets about. He's never been one to express emotions. It's frustrating to reconcile at times. This probably wasn't the life he'd ever imagined for himself.

At this point mouse is tempted to stop writing because he'd really hate what she's about to say. He's always been perfectly comfortable with his loneliness; people are often a nuisance to him. He's always imagined himself basically alone with work and the occasional fuck -- ok maybe more than occassional fuck. Yet, despite this, he's a loving, doting father. He cares and worries about people who mean the most to him. Worry is probably his closest companion. He seemed worried or at least uneasy. He's got his tells.

This morning things between us are fine more or less. And just so there isn't any confusion on this, mouse has completely forgiven him.

Now if he would only forgive himself.

25 comments:

  1. Oh, poor Mouse. :( and poor "Daddy". I imagine he must feel terrible even if he doesn't show it.

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    1. Yes, of course he did. And to be honest it was probably good for us in some way. This is totally retrospect talking...But it's brought to light a few other issues and that's actually really good for both of us.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  2. Being the Daddy is hard. I can't imagine being held to such impossible standards that we hold them to. We set them on pedastools and I can only imagine the stress to live up to that.

    Being on the receiving end isn't easy either. Accepting unwarranted punishment is enough to infuriate even the most docile among us. It happens though. It is then that we find out who we really are. Are we the strong creatures we claim to be? Can we be strong enough to accept the human error of another? It's something I've had to deal with myself lately. Not the punishment, but a decision Daddy made. I've been exposed to my own flaws through it.

    I'm glad that you've forgiven Him. In time, He will forgive himself too. Such is the dance of what we do...

    Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honestly and transparency. It helps to know that others face the very emotions that I do.

    hugs
    p

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    1. p...YES a thousand times.

      to all of it.

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  3. thank you for writing this. This was beautiful and so well written and just.. I can't even say how much it meant to me.

    Odd comment, sorry, lacking words today!

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    1. It's ok...thanks so much tho for letting mouse know..

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. I have had this very feeling and something like this happen as well recently. I harbored feelings about it for weeks when I really shouldn't have... I wanted more, more in the "sorry" I got from him.. I wanted him to feel the pain I felt when accused and punished... It's such a hard line.
    I like what P says about being the Daddy.. it is hard for them too, and being men in general and something I try to tell myself when what I picture happening isn't what happens in their mind and it's still OK if it doesn't happen how I thought it should.
    I think sometimes we just emotionally need the heartfelt felt sorry's and the hugs and even more.
    It's all so confusing to me at times. Thank you for sharing all your thoughts so honestly. I really struggle when thing like this happen and feel alone. I almost feel comforted to see what you were thinking and how it all happened because my mind thinks those same things! I get angry with him and upset... Oh I'm just rambling now, I must stop!
    but -
    Thank you again for sharing mouse.

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    1. Emi! How are you?

      It's confusing at times...we feel confused and don't know what to do about it...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. I'm so impressed you forgave him. That is awesome. :) And now you feel better and can move on. I've heard forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about ourselves. And I have to say how nice it was that He showed you sweet. That is what you needed and Him as well. It takes a man to admit (and show sweet) when he erred.
    Thank you for sharing this. You post about times when you feel off or you mess up and how you recover or how He helps you recover, but it's fewer that we hear when the Dominants are off or mess up. Posting this helps everyone who reads here (or new people) that no one is perfect, not even Omega!

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    1. Sarah!! YES forgiveness is about ourselves...very well said!

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  6. lmao at resisting the temptation to throw the ketchup at him.

    its nice to know they err at times though isnt it...makes them appear that bit more human lol...no offence to Omega intended.

    x

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    1. That was sooooo difficult. O wasn't offended. He said he understood...

      We all know what that means...

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  7. very brave blogging -- I admire your ability to tell it like it is -- good, bad and ugly -- and admire you both for working at making it work.

    B

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    1. Thanks sweetie!

      Relationships are never easy.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  8. I nominated you for a Liebster award. http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.com/2014/05/liebster-awards.html

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  9. yikes mouse, I think I might have been tempted to throw it away as well...but like you, I'd have done the same thing and put it on his desk. probably not 100% because I wanted him to have it but because I'd want to show him I had been telling the truth all along...good grief.
    like you, I'm pretty much all feelings, and sometimes I just have the hardest time understanding why it's so hard for others to express their emotions freely. ugh, can be SO FRUSTRATING!!
    hugs mouse,
    xo,
    mg

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    1. Yes, there was one time she did throw something at him....

      It wasn't like throwing it at him..he was more like handing it to him from across a room.

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  10. My Master has the same approach with emotions. It's just not to be concerned about. When He errs, it's "I'm sorry". All is to be over. Like you, I want a little more, especially if I was 'punished' physically or mentally. I'm learning that He just processes emotions differently, internally. Unlike me, who processes emotions like a drama queen. It's hard. Especially when at times all we want is that little tenderness to remind us that they understand the emotional disparity it puts us through.

    So happy you forgave Him. Also happy He spoke to you more about it all.

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    1. Oh gosh that's the hardest part...

      Needing more and knowing it won't come...because yanno it's not how they're wired.

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  11. mouse,
    I pondered/reflected on this a good bit yesterday. I'm not sure i could have gotten my emotions under control and forgiven and been ready to move on as you did. And that made me look at what i really mean then when i say i give all of myself to him, that i follow: if he had expected me to get over it, wouldn't i need to find a way to do that. Am i really committed to this/to him? Or is this one of the things i just still really need to work on?

    It occurred to me that my husband wouldn't do this - I don't mean that in a 'mine's better than your's" way. I mean that this would be so out of character for him that i wouldn't respond well. But you talk about knowing Omega, knowing him well enough to know the weight of the meaning behind his apology, all the everything that allows you to forgive and move on.

    It's clearly a hard thing - but you clearly have that level of trust and willingness to work to be for and about him, not for and about you. There are those blind spots for me - the things he does or ways he is, that i do have so much trouble with....You've made me stop and think about how i need to work to let go of myself in those things.

    Thank you for your patience with such a long comment - this really hit home for me.

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  12. Oh Mouse!
    Hugs.
    I empathized so very much while reading this.
    I admire how beautifully you handled yourself here and thank-you for sharing this, so much.
    For me, letting go strong emotion (anger, frustration, etc) is always something I am continually working on. I've learnt to let go of the grudges, be quicker to apologize and to to accept the apology but it isn't easy.
    The grace in which you did all that here? Stunning.

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    1. Ya, what ^^^she^^^ said. Perfect comment!

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    2. Thank you...and really mouse has spent decades holding grudges but after a while you begin to realize that you're just hurting yourself.

      or something like that.

      Trying to be more gracious about a lot of things...and it's not easy.

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  13. Oh mouse,
    An unjust punishment. I have read this post a few times on different days and although I wanted to write to you, share something, I refused to allow my fingers to click away out of fear I may say something disrespectful.

    All I know of Omega comes from the snippets you have shared here and you and I both know that is not enough to sum up an entire person. I found myself having to remind myself of just that each time my eyes scanned through this entry.

    Dominants, Masters, Daddy's, Sir's - regardless of their title they all, eventually error. Sometimes those mistakes are minimal and other times they can feel catastrophic. Regardless of the degree of fault, I can only believe that to the one in control, it is an incredibly unpleasant feeling knowing they have let their submissive down.

    I have compassion for the one's who dominate our lives. With that said when I read that Omega punished you without proof, that he assumed the worst in you, that you would actually betray him with a lie, I felt my blood begin to sizzle, nearly blistering my every thought.

    His actions were irrational and misplaced and as he struck you unjustly I swear I could hear my own growls. Once I was able to settle myself I found myself asking, "Why didn't he believe you"? What had happened that day or during the week that would cause such an outrage in him? The why behind his actions does not excuse his mistake, at least not from my point of view. Still, knowing why, to me, often helps to accept an apology, to let go of residual anger and move forward with a clean slate.

    I think you handled yourself quite gracefully. I probably would not have excused myself to our bedroom and cried silently. No, my temper most likely would have pushed me into poking, instigating an even greater fight. This of course would not have been successful and in the end served no purpose. Being accused of something I have not done, being called a liar, is one of my absolute biggest pet peeves and I have spent my life fighting for justice and truth. This one particular offence would have outraged me and I am not certain I would have been able to forgive my Master as quickly as you forgave Omega. Kudos to you for seeing him for the man he is and not for the mistake he made.

    Omega's apology sounded sincere. A straightforward man giving a straightforward apology. With that said, like you, I would have wanted more. What I would have wanted was acknowledgement. I would have wanted my Master to say, "I was wrong". This is bigger than I am sorry in this instance. For me that is. I know Master would be sorry for giving me a consequence when I had done nothing wrong but if Master had corrected me for something he had done, well in my mind that is entirely different and I want more. I deserve more. I do not require kisses and over exaggerated pleas of forgiveness. Master appears quite similar to Omega when it comes to emotions and feelings towards human beings in general. I do not expect heightened levels of emotion. What I do expect though is responsibility and saying sorry is not the same as saying "I am wrong". I would want justification. I would want vindication.

    Through my relationship with Master I have learned that he is more than capable of saying he is sorry. In fact he owns that quickly. Where he struggles in admitting when he is wrong. That really pulls at his internal self. Maybe it is a dominant thing or maybe it is just a him thing. Not sure where it comes from all I know is it exists.

    In all you have shared since this entry, it appears you both have moved forward, letting go what was and embracing what is. That really is what life is all about, isn't it? Making mistakes, learning from them, expressing emotion and then moving along.

    Wishing you and Omega happy days filled and maybe the accidental disappearance of such evil lube. *giggling*

    ~cockdoll

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