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Friday, September 5, 2014

How Does it Feel?

As mouse was working on a mountain of laundry days after our return, Sir came up behind her, slipping his arms around he asked, with a subtle whisper how it felt. For a brief second, as she folded some clothes, she nearly replied, "what?" No, she knew what he meant. He was asking how his control felt. With his body pressing against her, she just sort of melted into him. It would take all day to finish a few loads. The question was something that mouse considered before he asked it. Been thinking about it a lot, especially since she reread several posts since we returned.

The words, fine, right, the way it should be, all flitted in and out of her mind, but really feels like coming out of a dark cave. At the time, mouse didn't see the cave or know she was in one. Retrospect is always easier. Coming into the light made her realize how silly she's been feeling. Much later in bed, snuggled against his body, feeling him mouse talked more accurately about what began it all, where those feelings came from. How they just snowballed into something much more than they should have been.

In the morning, making his coffee, pouring it into a cup, cooking breakfast it occurred to mouse how mindful she was being. While away, mouse spent hours being still and seemingly introverted or turned inside herself. But really it was mindfulness came far easier without all the distractions. Or maybe it was the enemas and maintenance? Really, mouse can't be sure.

One thing about daily enemas, it doesn't take mouse long to become dependent on them so Sir pulled back on those right away, now they're just done once a week. But maintenance, now he makes mouse ask him for it. At first that unsettled mouse but she grew accustomed to that quickly. Another unspoken rule or expectation mouse is to follow.

The other thing Sir did was print out all the expectations and he made mouse rewrite them many times over the course of our time away. Reinforcing the control, which actually was more helpful than mouse anticipated.

So, how did it feel? Peaceful and pretty darn good!


  1. How wonderful. My Master briefly talked about having us each write out all the rules/expectations separately and then comparing lists. Mine are all written out already, because that is something I like to do- every time he adds something I write it down, then I review them regularly just for a combination of committing to memory/ comfort and control. He doesn't review my list often, maybe only once or twice, so possibly my "rules" are things he thinks of as "how things are done".

  2. peaceful does sound pretty darn good right now. so so happy for you mouse.
    i am in the cave right now, and it's so clear to me. struggling to find a way out...and looking forward to when there will be peace.
    hugs mouse

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