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Friday, September 4, 2015

The Promise

Daddy had arranged his work schedule so he'd be off half the day on Monday and all day Friday for the first weeks of August. Then mid August he scheduled a few extra days, because he'd usually fly down and drive us all home. This year, because we all returned he worked the full week, but decided to keep the extra days off. He made arrangements to have the kids shipped off for a few days and spent time with mouse.

While it seems quite incredible, he had no firm plans, no written out agenda of what he would do. Dinner was ready, but he said to hold it until later -- then had mouse change into a slip of a dress and led her out the door. He drove around silently, sort of deep in thought. Then, he began to drive back toward home -- this confused mouse even more.

Back at home, he ate dinner, but was still quite stoic. Then after what seemed to be forever he explained that we simply cannot play so hard that mouse goes to subspace anymore. He wants her to be lucid and aware. This was a huge change and we all know what a subspace junky mouse is.

A few things led him to reconsider his position, first being an innocent discussion over the summer with a friend of ours with diabetes and something rather tragic that occurred to another friend. A old college chum of Daddy's slipped in the shower and struck his head and died because he wasn't found for several hours. Daddy isn't one to dwell on his limitations as a type 1 diabetic, but he also knows that he doesn't always know when his insulin levels are too low or high like he used to. Sometimes he'll take his blood sugar and it'll be low or high and he had no clue anything was amiss.

Then he admitted to mouse a few months ago, during a legthy play session while mouse was floating, he had an episode. His blood sugar dropped. Now, this rather shook him up a little because mouse was tied up and in no way lucid enough to provide help if he needed it. Within a short while he was fine and pushed the episode out of his mind. But he also admitted it had happened before, just not as bad.

Of course mouse understands and was more than a bit annoyed however he's kept that from her. He even admitted that he considered not telling her at all, but felt that was unfair. He also knows that if mouse is aware she cannot drift mentally far, the chances are better that she won't. Other things must change also. No more can mouse be tied, even when supervised by him, in a way she couldn't free herself. It's not about embarrassment, this is strictly a time issue. He said he thought -- what if something happened and mouse was tied up, unable to move. He worried how horrifying it could be for me.

Then, with all the serious talk finished, he spent a lot of time educating mouse on what to do if his insulin levels are off, including how to inject it. These are things he's never discussed with mouse, except in a cursory or abstract way. This time he was actually showing her how to check his blood sugar, how to inject and all the how's and why's in between.

By the time the discussion concluded mouse was quite visibly shaken, Daddy held her and soothed away most of the fears. He really doesn't want or desire for mouse to take this burden -- it's never been something he's wanted. It's part of his promise he made to mouse ages ago, and as he feels his age more than a decade ago, he feels he needs to come to terms with the fact that he has his own limits.

With a devilish smile he brought out the Wartenberg wheel,,and proceeded to torture mouse with it, forbidding her to move or make much sound, all while not allowing her to drift to subspace. Not sure what was worse, the slaps when she did try to move, remaining quiet but still present or the pain and pleasure (yes, she said pleasure) brought from the wheel of shame.

After we rested we spoke more, about other aspects that will not be changing, like his control and need to control mouse -- just as her desire to be controlled. Demerits will be enforced and no room for pouty mouse. He said he'll not accept excuses for disorder. All the expectations regardless of hiw difficult they might seem to enforce will be enforced. Even the mental ones, Daddy gave detailed examples of how mouse fell way short of where she should be. He reminded her, every single thing she did, every word spoken, each word written was a direct reflection of his character.

That's mouse's burden and it's a huge expectation to fulfill.

 

9 comments:

  1. great piece! <3 i know it is difficult for everyone, the changes. but sometimes that's how it goes. the dynamic changes but the basics do not. life.....oh life......it puts me in a sad state when life dictates that i cannot fulfill all my duties properly. He completely understands and is AMAZING, and i count on Him as He recognizes those necessities far better than i.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Change happens and the best sometimes we can do is simply adapt.

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  2. it's scary growing old...and to have to take into consideration chronic health issues(Lyme disease), it can make me feel very overwhelmed.
    I can't dwell on the "what it's" too long...or I start to feel very paralyzed.
    it's one of the reasons I cannot watch the news anymore. my mind just gets away from itself trapped in a sense of fear....fear of what MAY happen.
    logical or not.
    ~monkey girl

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    Replies
    1. This is probably why Daddy felt the need to be proactive and deal with this. It's been on his mind, but also during summer we didn't have opportunity to play hard where mouse could drift. So it rather makes sense that it came up now. :)

      Fear is hard!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  3. Hi Mouse, change isn't easy, but it is sometimes necessary and these changes do sound sensible under the circumstances. As you said, there is a lot that won't change.

    Oh the wheel, I both love and hate it depending on how it is being used lol

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Yep...and right with ya Roz on the wheel. Love/hate....

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  4. Hello, mouse.

    I was moved to leave a comment because of your topic. My husband has Type 1 diabetes as well. And it certainly has limited some of our dynamic but we have always tackled this as a team [we married just months after his pancreas failure]. I really appreciate that you chose to share this because I've never read anyone writing about this [well, except Tori who is also generous with her words but her situation is different than this]. Thank you!

    Much love,
    Radha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes it's difficult, isn't it? For years he has adjusted play to his health issues, but lately he's noticed more and more that his body doesn't send him the signals as it used to. Most days he doesn't really think about it, or dwells upon it...but when it did come up, it unnerved him.

      Thanks for the comment and understanding!

      Hugs,
      mouse

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  5. I think it's incredible that you two are managing your dynamic around this situation-
    both of you are inspiring to me - my best to you always

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