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Monday, April 2, 2018

When the Rain Washes You Clean

Now here you go again, you say
You want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound of the loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...

It's odd sometimes the things you don't think about when things are happening, it's later sometimes much later that you suddenly consider it. While driving one day, in the car, mouse was listening to music and this song by Fleetwood Mac came on. At a stoplight mouse focused on the music. There was a moment with Master a few years ago, mouse wasn't sure she wanted to be His slave. It was never said out loud, or said in anyway that was audible to him. It was more of a pulling away from him. It was based in a weird uncertainty that only mouse can drive herself to.

Years later, mouse sat listening to that song and the first lines resonated with her. Music is her poetry after all, so it makes sense that a song would do that. Most nights mouse can't remember her dreams, but there are times when she did, very clearly. They were always what Master called frustration dreams. You can't get to where you need to be. There are obstacles that just pop everywhere. The dreams had a pattern. Thursday nights, mouse would sleep like a baby. Friday, Saturday, Sunday...Moving through the week, the dreams started usually Monday or Tuesday nights. It was a subconscious worry about the punishment on Thursday night. How bad would that be? How many times had mouse messed up? Once she even snuck a peek at Master's little black book. He didn't punish mouse for it, but she does recall that again she had a dream. It was one of those, running late dreams where you can't find a parking spot and miss something important. Usually what she would miss was Master. Like trying to get to an airport, but the gate keeps changing. Which makes no sense since you can't go to the gate anymore. It's like she's lost and can't find him. 

Then she'd wake up in a huff feel his body next to her and try to calm herself. Sometimes he'd ask about it, if she startled and roused him and when she explained it to him, the reply was always "I understand." The dreams would escalate until Thursday night finally arrived, punishment was melted out and mouse could relax again. Sometimes, the dreams would be sexy, but just as something good would happen the dream would suddenly end or mouse would wake up a little. A different frustration. 

Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom

How many times since her first owner has mouse had that thought? Certainly many times since before and after she became mouse. It's like what she wrote in that last post on Friday, about needing his control over her, feeling so powerless and having this deep, burning desire for more, but at same moment being irritated by all the restrictions that His control meant. The confusion was overwhelming at times.

But listen carefully to the sound, of your loneliness, like a heartbeat drives you mad, in the stillness of remember of what you had and what you lost...

That is the rub, isn't it? Sure at any time, there was always a thread that she could pull that would allow her unravel the whole tapestry and walk away. The loneliness that she felt before Master was deep. Being with Master was like a long cool drink of water when you didn't realize how hot and thirsty you were. 

It all circles and flows around her like a hum that vibrates. A person recently mused what could mouse possibly do to deserve a punishment from Master nearly weekly? Now, let's back up a little bit, on Wednesday or was it Thursday a few weeks ago mouse had a thought and Tweeted it over Twitter...It went something like, "does never needing a correction for overstepping mean that the slave is no longer challenged?" Now that might not have been the exact phrasing, but essentially the gist of it. That question about deserving punishment weekly, was playing in her mind when she tweeted that. Master does constantly move the goalpost a little at His whim, so that mouse doesn't fall into complacency, or her ego doesn't begin to lie to her that she's practically perfect. Mary Poppins she is not. Yes, what's wrong today is still wrong tomorrow but he alone alters the penalty. He never used to punish for thoughts that stepped over the line, and now that's different. Keeping a tidy home, dressing the way he desires, being open to him sexually are the easy parts now. It's thoughts that trip her up now. 

In other words, where mouse used to take the punishment, accepting that she had failed, and moving on, she was simultaneously missing the biggest part of the lesson. He was actually altering the expectation, moving it ever closer to the carefully chosen words he wrote out when he crafted the extensive "expectations" list for mouse to follow. A primer for her slavery to Him. He doesn't move from those core goals but instead moves mouse closer to them and mouse finds herself curling up to those once confining and mentally confusing restrictions like a toddler to her favorite blanket.  


Roz said...

Hi Mouse,

Wow, this is a great post! That is an awesome song and what wonderful reflections in this post.


ancilla_ksst said...

about needing his control over her, feeling so powerless and having this deep, burning desire for more, but at same moment being irritated by all the restrictions that His control meant. The confusion was overwhelming at times.

Yes. This. I struggle with the same confusion.

abby said...

I was going to write just what ancilla you last paragraph...rings so true. hugs abby