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Sunday, May 13, 2018

It's as Big as the Promise

'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
But it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day

Sometimes speaking (and writing) in the third person is a blessing for mouse, as she can disassociate herself. It's not "me" it's mouse. Yet, there isn't a "me" and only mouse or slave, since mouse is the name Master called her largely in place of slave. Where is this going? No idea, there have been some struggles lately as Master continues to travel. The past few years he didn't have to travel so much, now he's beginning to recall why he stopped.

While Master was away, one early evening he phoned and we spoke for a while. During that call mouse poorly expressed that she missed him. Instead of simply saying that she explained awkwardly, it felt like she was placed on a shelf and forgotten about. He replied in a rather sarcastic way that she didn't anticipate. His rebuke was laced with a bit of venom. it left mouse disquieted long after the call ended. As usual mouse had said too much and allowed her emotions to take her too far. His carefully worded, albeit sarcastic retort brought her crashing back down to reality and her past lapse in judgment. Probably the biggest error was that mouse left it there saying little during the remainder of the phone call, didn't apologize by text or on the next phone call. Instead she thought we'd discuss it when he got home. Somehow she'd make him understand.

A few days later Master sent a text to mouse telling her to go to bed and he'd be home at the very earliest in the wee morning hours. His flight was being delayed or he had missed his connecting flight -- but whatever the reason, it's something that he's gotten used to. Sure enough, at some point before dawn, mouse woke to the sound of the shower going. His last instruction was to just let him sleep. He didn't really need to express that, as mouse would have taken it as evident but still appreciated the direction. When she woke she simply went about the morning as though he wasn't yet home, with a few alterations.

As humans slowly appeared dressed and ready for another school day mouse kept the sounds under control. Mid morning mouse did her usual errands and returned to a still very quiet house. Afraid to wake Master, mouse just kept to the lower floors and worked through her daily cleaning. As morning shifted to midday however mouse became a little anxious about when he would rise.

Eventually she heard the sound of a door opening (one has a horrible squeak) and the sound of the toilet flushing. Almost frozen mouse waited, until the footfalls were heard as he came downstairs. He appeared in the kitchen. He asked what time it was, and mouse answered that it was close to 1. He looked outside for a moment in that way as though checking for daylight. Then mouse asked softly if he'd like coffee, she'd saved a cup before washing out the pot and it wouldn't take too long to reheat. or she could make a fresh pot for him. He was still tired and not sure what he wanted though, and eventually settled mentally at least for some eggs.

it took no time to whip up, and soon it was on a plate and before him with some hot sauce, which he politely refused. Then he asked mouse to sit. He wanted some company while he ate after days basically eating at a table for one, he welcomed some conversation that wasn't about work. Almost nervously mouse prattled through the few things she hadn't already shared with him and reminded him that a couple of his siblings were coming to dinner tonight (he had arranged it a week or more earlier, under the assumption that he would have a full night of sleep). He looked up from his eggs and muttered something that mouse didn't catch but also didn't ask him to repeat.

Pensively mouse waited, folded a napkin and then smoothed it out and folded it again. Waiting is often difficult, especially when there's a lot to do, or maybe there wasn't too much, but it all hung on Master and what he wanted. Part of her wanted to offer solutions, we could cancel and he could just rest or should mouse be cleaning more? There was still plenty to do before the children made everything three times as hard. Then of course there was the other matter that mouse didn't want to talk about or the fact that she should apologize for, but hadn't so far.

"Master may mouse speak?"

He looked up from his plate as though surprised, "I thought we were were. Yes, speak freely."

"Sorry Master." mouse said softly with lowered eyes.

"For what?"

Then slowly mouse explained how she was thinking about the phone conversation a few days ago and how she was again guilty of trying to control her slavery and also circling around all she had to do and was feeling very impatient with him  Both were wrong. He said he was pleased that mouse was seeing it. We spoke a little longer about it and then moved onto the other honestly more pressing issue of the dinner that evening and decided it was too late to cancel and sent mouse to finish her chores. He showered, but stayed out of mouse's way as she quickly cleaned the remainder of the house and was nearly finished before the children go home.

The dinner went well and mouse barely had a moment to eat, instead focusing on Master, our guests and family, making sure their plates were full, wine or water/beverage glasses refilled. After the guests left, the children had helped tidy then yawned in that obvious way, so Master released them from further chores. Once they were settled mouse felt exhausted but it was a good exhaustion.

Master looked far more exhausted, having spent the evening engaged in lively political discussions he was feeling even more exhausted from the broken sleep of extended traveling. He said he was going to his study to work a little. A very short while later while mouse was quietly reading, he emerged and stated he was going to bed -- he lacked any kind of real focus. He didn't make mouse join him, instead just said to come to bed when she was ready and there were still a few later evening things that needed to be completed. Like emptying the dishwasher, which was still going, and letting the dog out to do his thing.

Seated on the floor, mouse pondered Master's words about not being able to focus. This was something mouse understood. While focus isn't really her problem, distractions sometimes are, which causes her to be disobedient.

That word bothered mouse, disobedient. That's rarely something she does with intent. It's more about doing what he requires in an exact way. Like the time when mouse cleaned the closet. He had asked mouse to do a few things, cleaning the closet wasn't one of them, but somehow it morphed into that and all other things seemed to be forgotten about, including dinner. While mouse had not set out to become disobedient, in a way like, "screw him, i'll do what i want" it was a different kind of disobedience that occurred when she allowed her own compulsion to override his wishes.

We still have a housekeeper, it is worth mentioning, but while in the beginning the housekeeper was the end to the means, because mouse was an incompetent at keeping house, today the reason is completely different because the housekeeper is more like a part of our family than just a random person who cleans. If the housekeeper did quit, we wouldn't need to replace her, but as it is, we're happy and fortunate to have our housekeeper in our life.

While mouse would love to venture further down the housekeeper rabbit hole, mouse will resist the urge and maybe putting a pin in that thought for another time.

The point of this is mouse's disobedience that while is never completely intentional. Yet, as mouse had read through much of this journal with fresh eyes, she sees that time and again mouse neglected to follow the simplest directive to "obey". There's something about obeying or disobeying that is clouded. Most women just say very simply they "obey" their Owner or Master, but aren't there levels of obedience? If Master says, 'clean the bathroom,' do you spend the time doing it until everything sparkles? Or do you just make it presentable? Wiping the sink, tub or shower, cleaning the mirror, swishing some cleaner into the toilet, maybe taking a duster to the tile or floor? Sure, there are times when 'good enough' is well, good enough but what happens when just good enough becomes the standard?

it's not just about cleaning or cooking, but it also runs into all aspects of life, doesn't it? There are moments when mouse is actively worshipping Master's cock or body where she feels it. It's not rote and she's not mentally wandering through the laundry list of other things to do, but truly becomes lost in that worship of Him. He always knows when that happens. Sure he can, and sometimes does take control of the action, but does that happen only when mouse is inadequate? Yes and no if she's honest with herself. Looking at it this way, mouse can safely say when she's not thoroughly engaged in the process of worship and is going through the mental laundry list Master will always without fail take control of her action bringing her back to Him. A face slap, pulling of hair, or just shoving his cock deeply into her throat until she gags and drools around him are all ways of getting her attention. When she's engaged fully in worshipping his body, maybe once out of five times he might redirect her efforts.

It's not about just obeying but going beyond that obedience that mouse most wishes to go.  

1 comment:

Roz said...

Hi Mouse, very interesting thoughts about degrees of obedience. Hmm, this has me pondering.