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Monday, September 10, 2018

Feeling Good

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

"Marcie" and "Phil" were still with us until the  middle of July and the other siblings left on Right after the 4th celebrations. There were a few moments for mouse where her frustration got the better of her. Master also decided to let Phil in a little about the nature of our dynamic. Not sure what was shared exactly, and that likely caused mouse a lot of anxiety. 

When someone knows something secretive about someone else, and just can't help but to drop a hint here and there that they do know. Fishing maybe to see if anyone else knows? Or maybe it's just subtle to let them know that they know.  Anyway Master's sibling did make a few well-placed comments over the course of several days that were vague yet, strangely specific. "Taken in Hand" was mentioned a few times. Then there was another remark to Marcie about going over his knee. Meanwhile once the other family members had departed, Master took mouse to the dock, and had her kneel down in front of him. The kids and Marcie were out but Phil had remained behind. At first mouse assumed that he must be occupied with something but found out later he saw it. Of course mouse was fully dressed on the dock, but it was a semi public display of submission. There are people around, although mouse didn't see them, in a distance she could hear voices -- the rattle of plates, children, the usual sounds. 

Trying to focus though just on Master wasn't easy for mouse, being outside although it shouldn't be anyone's business what we do, felt strange and exhilarating at the same time. Master was speaking to mouse about displaying her devotion more, remarked on a few missteps mouse had taken, but over-all had praised her behavior. However mouse had gotten a little impatient with Phil on one occasion and Master felt correction was needed for that. He had mouse stand in the corner of the kitchen to contemplate when we returned from the dock. Mentally mouse was trying to sort out the why Master chose to have mouse kneel on the dock, when the deck was far more private. Was He wishing us to become more public about our dynamic? Then there was Phil matter, all the comments he'd been making, and the issue of punishment. Really, mouse can't recall exactly why she became impatient with him, but she does recall feeling defensive because he'd asked for something and it had slipped her mind. It wasn't like she yelled, but there was a moment of curtness when she said, "I know -- in a minute!" He hadn't deserved that and mouse knew Master was right about that.

Behind her a chair moved, silent tears felt oddly cool against her cheeks because now it didn't take long to realize Phil was in the kitchen. Still, any proactive thoughts she might have had vacated her brain and she was shifted into the present. Then mouse's thoughts turned to what might happen after this humiliation was over. There is a protocol to be followed, where mouse thanks Master for the correction. He wouldn't do that, would he? Before mouse to contemplate her predicament further Master called her to him. Keeping her head lowered mouse walked slowly to him. Master was sitting in a chair eating an apple and Phil was in the next chair but said nothing.

"Sorry Sir." mouse offered with her head still lowered slightly wishing the ground would swallow her up and making the last minute choice to call him Sir in place of Master.

"For what, girl?" Master pressed, apparently he was making word choices as well. Stammering mouse said she had behaved poorly a few times and was deeply sorry for that. Master then pointed out that one occasion mouse was impatient with Phil. Master prompted mouse because she was uncertain, as he's never required anyone to witness mouse being corrected before, to apologize to His Brother.

"I am truly sorry Sir," mouse said turning slightly to face Master's sibling and making the conscious effort to speak in the first person, instead of saying, 'This slave is sorry, Sir.' or words to that effect.

"Very good girl." Master said then told mouse to go wash her face and take a moment to regain her composure.

As mouse began to turn to leave she thanked them both again and although she wanted to run from the room, bury her head in a pillow, cry and scream, she just walked with her knocking knees out of the kitchen as fast as she could without looking incredibly obvious. In the bathroom, mouse could still hear whispering as splashed water on her face, removing her ruined makeup all together, then holding her face in her hands wept for a bit. Years ago, someone we didn't know very well had asked mouse if she was "taken in hand" and mouse hadn't handled that well. This was completely different. From the bathroom, she could hear them talking but couldn't make out what they were saying.

Replacing her mascara, mouse's hands were shaking when Master came in. He gathered her up into an embrace and held her for a few moments. He said she'd handled it well. A million questions popped almost at once into mouse's head but she didn't ask them. Master lifted her chin to look at him, and just said, "He does not know everything but a few small highlights. You'll be a good girl for the remainder of their stay?" That almost went without saying but she nodded and wished for a giant earthquake to open a crevasse  to swallow her up. None was forthcoming so mouse tried to nod again and smile. "You'll get used to it." Master said as he walked out of the room.

How many times has mouse wished to display her submission in an open way? What in the world was she thinking? Sometimes what you think you want, is vastly different from the reality of having it. This wasn't what she had envisioned it to be like. It circled around thoughts that probably made her look like a perfect slave-wife, being able to kiss his feet, as she removed his shoes without any fear of anyone thinking it was odd. Never once had she considered that she could be punished even lightly, in front of anyone else. Or how humiliating it would be. Still and almost even worse, there was a twinge of sexual excitement that left feelings of self-loathing -- what is wrong with her?

Another lesson for mouse to be schooled in. In the days following, mouse was extra vigilant, to serve both of them and forgive Marcie for not doing much of anything, although Master more and more forgiving of Marcie's disappearances whenever cooking or other work is involved and mentioned more than once how proud he was of mouse for stepping up. That alone made the humiliation of punishment worthwhile.

So, after all this, why is mouse feeling good? There's certainly no rational reason to be feeling good about being even a little out. Yet, at the same time it's a relief to not need to hide everything and trust Master. It will probably take a while to parse out these confusing emotions, but for now, mouse is content to just go with it. This is also likely why mouse hadn't published this until after we returned home and had settled back into a daily routine.

Punishments have been far fewer and quite honestly there's a deeper feeling of contentment that flows around the whole house. That alone is worthy of celebration. 


Anonymous said...

So happy for you!


Roz said...

Hi Mouse,

It's great to hear from you:) gosh, I'm not sure how I would react to 'going public' in that manner.


Anonymous said...

Always love your posts. I really like the song selection today, it's one of my favorites. I admire your poise in so many will be interesting to see if the progression of your dynamic becomes more public. And I can't help but thinking shame on Marcie for not helping, so rude!

Wishing you a nice day and pleasant weekend.

mostly mouse said...

Thanks Isobel, Roz and Anonymous.

Hugs to you all!