And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies...
Of course, another holiday of the non-holiday sort. St Valentine's Day. Back in the catholic school days we learned that Saint Valentine was convicted for marrying people and became a martyr of sorts to true love or something like that. A day of love, right? Well, it's actually more a day of spending obscene amounts of money on flowers. Of course mouse doesn't have access to money to buy Master a gift, so she adjusted the meals a little and treated Him to a nice grilled steak.
Spending the day cooking and cleaning for Master until His home just shined. It felt wonderful to cook and pleasure Him. The only gift mouse could give and it came from her heart.
Sometime last week, mouse popped into one of those chain coffee shops and sat down with a much needed cup of coffee (you also see people drinking from real cups and that always leaves mouse to wonder how they ask for those). Avoiding eye contact with those around her, mouse sent Master a text message updating Him on her morning.
Back at home, mouse began the ritual of putting things away, tidying up and suddenly just burst into tears for no reason at all. It's hard to explain the reason, if there was any reason for it, just had a moment of feeling completely overwhelmed. Once the tears slowed, the sniffling remained, mouse sent a text to Master. He wants to know if mouse feels that way. What was exactly, she can't explain, but we both seem to understand when it happens, even if we don't understand the why.
When Master came home and looked at mouse carefully up and down and pulled her close to Him. He knew she was feeling rattled. He asked several times to tell Him every move mouse had made during the day. Had anything odd happened? As she moved through the day verbally to Him, suddenly again she burst into tears. Just after the coffee shop, she walked back to her car and a man she didn't know was leaning against it. He muttered something to her but she never made out what it was. For all she knew it could have been an apology but she really didn't think so.
After getting into the car it was a short drive home and mouse just pushed all the unpleasantness out of her mind. Now Master asked all sorts of questions, had she ever seen the man before? Did she see if the man got into a car? Honestly at the time mouse paid little attention to it. Why was it bothering her now, a delayed reaction to something unsettling (honestly mouse wouldn't call it dangerous)?
Master pulled mouse close to His chest and coo'd softly comforting her and then asked if she wouldn't mind rearranging her schedule so He could escort her on these errands? Of course mouse was keen to that idea but wouldn't be a bother for Master? When she grew very quiet, He asked her what was wrong, and it felt like a burden for Him, something unfair. He didn't mind it and rather enjoyed the idea. it would give us more time together.
Every possible thing He could have said to make it feel ok was said. Every box was checked off.
Yet, it left mouse feeling broken again.
Ill-formed Thoughts are often a Burden
Sometime last week, mouse popped into one of those chain coffee shops and sat down with a much needed cup of coffee (you also see people drinking from real cups and that always leaves mouse to wonder how they ask for those). Avoiding eye contact with those around her, mouse sent Master a text message updating Him on her morning.
Back at home, mouse began the ritual of putting things away, tidying up and suddenly just burst into tears for no reason at all. It's hard to explain the reason, if there was any reason for it, just had a moment of feeling completely overwhelmed. Once the tears slowed, the sniffling remained, mouse sent a text to Master. He wants to know if mouse feels that way. What was exactly, she can't explain, but we both seem to understand when it happens, even if we don't understand the why.
When Master came home and looked at mouse carefully up and down and pulled her close to Him. He knew she was feeling rattled. He asked several times to tell Him every move mouse had made during the day. Had anything odd happened? As she moved through the day verbally to Him, suddenly again she burst into tears. Just after the coffee shop, she walked back to her car and a man she didn't know was leaning against it. He muttered something to her but she never made out what it was. For all she knew it could have been an apology but she really didn't think so.
After getting into the car it was a short drive home and mouse just pushed all the unpleasantness out of her mind. Now Master asked all sorts of questions, had she ever seen the man before? Did she see if the man got into a car? Honestly at the time mouse paid little attention to it. Why was it bothering her now, a delayed reaction to something unsettling (honestly mouse wouldn't call it dangerous)?
Master pulled mouse close to His chest and coo'd softly comforting her and then asked if she wouldn't mind rearranging her schedule so He could escort her on these errands? Of course mouse was keen to that idea but wouldn't be a bother for Master? When she grew very quiet, He asked her what was wrong, and it felt like a burden for Him, something unfair. He didn't mind it and rather enjoyed the idea. it would give us more time together.
Every possible thing He could have said to make it feel ok was said. Every box was checked off.
Yet, it left mouse feeling broken again.
4 comments:
Oh, sweetie. You’re not broken, you’re healing.
I’ll stop there because I know you’ve heard it all before and when we feel broken, we don’t want to feel lectured at as well.
Just know that I am quite firm in my belief that you are simply a work in progress.
*nod, nod*
Hi Mouse,
I agred with you on Valentine's Da, your gift from the heart was perfect:)
Oh gosh, getting to you car to find a strange man leaning on it must have been unsettling, it's no wonder you were feeling rattled!
I love that Omega wants to accompany you on these errands. It's something he wants to do and he is right...extra time spent together:)
Hugs
Roz
I Think you were traumatized after your surgery by family events (and maybe other things in your life—all of us have traumatic memories). Trauma can come back when we least expect it and for reasons that seem opaque. Of course this is just a thought as I don’t know you. But I do know lots of people—including myself—for whom this is true. Just the other night, for no reason I could think of, I was overwhelmed by something that happened 20 years ago. You are not broken; you are normal. You are very sensitive, but that’s something that (from reading your blog) seems normal to you. Lean on Omega but also look to yourself for the strength you have shown all along.
Oh Mouse, you are not broken! You went through a traumatic experience with your health scare and then family issues right after. One of those situations is a lot to process let alone both back to back. There is no set timeframe on healing, so take the time you need. Lean on Omega to help you guide you through. And enjoy the extra attention and time you two are getting together.
Your Valentine's Day sounds like it was absolutely perfect!
Respectfully,
Hds
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