Something new for the New Year. Journal by email. How do I begin to explain my absence? I know mouse has covered much in her journal, I understand that many were very supportive toward her, and I thank them. To explain how far I fell, is impossible -- at least for now, but I am fully engaged in understanding how something so innocent turned to vile. I humbly apologize for the harm I have caused, as I am indebted to mouse for her emotional support during this time. Even at my lowest, it seems again, she is there to help me up, dust off my clothes and tell me everything will be fine. Jim tells me that we hurt only the ones who love us the most and I know that to be true because I have seen the anguish in mouse's eyes.
We are working on us, because frankly we come first before all others. I search for 'why' in this and however elusive and I am not certain if I shall ever be what one might see as "normal" or "healthy" as I am not sure what those words mean at least where they apply to me. My therapist recommended changes to our dynamic and some we have embraced while others we have not. I do not wish for mouse to become responsible in anyway for my continued sobriety, as that is an unfair burden, but I also understand that she needs assurances that I am true to her. Such suggestions that required this were discussed and later dismissed, but we did arrive at some clever compromises, which seem to work for us within our dynamic.
She still belongs to me, and I am still her Master; though my light has dimmed considerably, I remain optimist over our future together. We have made our plans for the coming year, set our goals together.
My therapist asked me the other day for one word, which encapsulates my feelings for mouse, and I only regarded the query for a moment before blurting out the word, "unconditional." I believe that is, above all others, our word. For me that word, has more meaning than love, and is deeper than furthest reach of time or space. It is buried deep in my soul that she is unconditionally my friend, my wife and my slave, as I am her friend, husband and Master (note the order). It does not mean that she cannot be hurt since we know that to be untrue. It does mean we even always be together. Unconditional means, at least to me that she accepts my flaws as I accept hers. She may test me; but she never judges me. We have placed the other on high pedestals, and now we are both on firmus terra, rather than a more celestial body.
Keyword: Optimistic
5 comments:
Welcome back, Sir. It's good to see you doing well considering all the two of you have been through. When you seriously take a look at people individually, we all have our quirks, faults, skeletons... I really don't think anyone can say they are "normal" or completely "healthy". Maybe some are more than others... well healthy anyway cause I don't believe in the concept of "normal".
Anyway... when you take away all the negative things that affect your like, you're left with a good man who loves his partner and would do anything for her. Maybe it's the good that needs to be the focus... after all, it's what most of us see.
spirited
As always, I wish you both the best. This is a often tenuous road we travel, and we are all tested strenuously. Combine that with health issues, emotional challenges and/or addictions, and the path often seems impossible. But as Mr Right & I know, what seems impossible is more plausible and probable with the unconditional love and acceptance of another.
We wish you both love and happiness in the new year.
I'm glad you're feeling up to blogging. I wish you the best in 2010.
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"
Welcome back, you've been missed,,,
CD
Omega,
Accountability is often, from both my personal experience and observing/speaking with others, one of the hardest acts to embrace. However, once stated there is a sense of freedom to no longer hold onto the errors of the past and instead move forward learning from our history positively adding to our future.
I can not possibly comprehend all the obstacles you personally have endured and overcome nor the ones you and mouse as a couple have worked through. I can though feel a sense of acceptance and love and I appreciate you disclosing your flaws and determination.
Wishing you continued hope.
~cockdoll
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