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Friday, May 21, 2010


I dabble in woodworking, and it begins with a drawing or idea.  Dimensions are roughed out.  I take into consideration, where the item will be placed, who will see it, what function does it serve, how should it look, etc., it requires planning.  It would be a waste of time and supplies to build a cage too small to hold mouse, so I must take that into consideration.  I gather my tools before beginning, and purchase supplies I know I will need.

It is a process, to build something from nothing.

As I write this, I am mentoring a couple who are eager for a Master/slave commitment in their lives.  He wants total control and she wants him to have it.  Nice arrangement.  There is an issue, their communication skills are somewhat lackluster.  A master carpenter is nothing without the right tools, even basic ones.  Good communication skills are required for any relationship dynamic.  Excellent communication skills are needed for this dynamic. Both have a tendency to say what they think the other wishes to hear instead of saying what they truly believe. This naturally leaves a false sense of security in both parties. 

One is routinely left scratching their head, wondering what they did wrong when a rough or slippy patch is hit.  It takes only a few minutes of listening to the he said, she said, to realize they are talking about two different situations.  They are not making the proper connection needed to excel and are out of plumb -- they require realignment.  They must relearn how to communicate with each other.  To be audible and say the words, "I do not like this," or "I really enjoyed that," and then follow through with the reason why.  Fear is the motivator which must be eradicated.  Fear of being misunderstood or admitting something deep within themselves.  

They must learn to pay attention to nuance, does the other have a tell, which lets them know they are not being completely honest?  Some are obvious, while others more subtle, such as playing with their fingers, or a ring, or simply looking downward.  After spending some time watching or simply understanding their reactions in various situations, you learn something more about them.  The tells become more obvious.  You begin to see the person they truly are.  Not simply look at them or at their direction.

Now one might argue that just the Master needs those skills, but I would disagree.  The submissive can find them invaluable as well.  With that skill, they can spot more readily uncertainty in their Dominant counterpart, just as they can spot total confidence.  The submissive can feel empowered to use their voice at the appropriate time, as opposed to holding the responses in. 

In this couple, they both seem to lack confidence, however as they grow together in these roles, I believe, it should improve.


  1. I learned a little something reading this, thanks.

  2. One of the most wonderful things about lizard is that she never gets upset about anything I say. In past relationships, I have dealt with women who are quite judgmental. I notice with lizard I am able to say more of what I like. Because we can communicate about everything, we have grown together in ways I never would have thought possible.

    It seems you have built your mouse a good cage.

  3. This couldn't be more spot on target. Everyone I have always been involved with, either directly or just talking to about D/s relationships, I always ask for and require tot al open honesty and communication. No beating around the bush and hemhawing around. Be blunt, direct, forward, and say what you feel and what you mean.

    This can be hard for people who aren't used to openly discussing their thoughts and/or feelings with someone else. Yet, it is vitally important in this.

    Very nice post!


  4. Good communication is definitely a learned skill that requires lots of practice and a good amount of courage. I'm sure they'll find it as they get to know each other on this new level.



  5. What about that rare breed who has a keen innate sense of perception and need not be told what one does or does not like? Do they need to communicate as well? Because my experience has always been that communication ruins everything. ;-)

  6. Girlx,

    I find such perceptions are although well-meaning, are all too often misguided. However I would admit there is a time and place for such communications.

    Serve well,

  7. Omega,

    The situation you described in this post is very much like ours. We are definitely eager for a Master/slave commitment of just this kind. We're both very new to the lifestyle and have a lot of learning and experiencing to do. What are some tips you could give us as a couple just coming into the lifestyle with no previous experience?


  8. Somethingmore,

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey. As to advice.

    Read voraciously whatever you can on the topic
    Keep the lines of communication well open
    No attacking or making assumptions
    Be proactive in your submission.
    Expect him to be active in his dominance.
    Most of all, take your time.
    Develop things you both share that further your roles together, i.e., rituals.

    Since you are both new, I would also suggest you both keep a written journal of your thoughts and once a week be prepared to discuss the contents with each other. Listen, take notes and help each other find your way.

    Remember you are both equally responsible for the success or failure of your dynamic.

    Be and serve well,


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