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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Trust and change

Good morning,

Trust is a huge word with just a few letters.  Someone commented recently when mouse spoke of the changes to our dynamic, that because Omega is in charge, mouse should simply trust him.  No argument from mouse at all, but that's outward trust.  Yes, where Daddy goes, mouse follows.  It doesn't mean tho that she doesn't grumble a little about the journey, even if she keeps all of those grumbles to herself, they're still there.  Daddy knows that too, because he knows his mouse all too well.

Trust is wonderful but it doesn't always remove all fear.  That little "what if" monster rises to the surface making mouse doubt herself and sometimes doubt him.  Of course Daddy does have mouse's best interest at heart but it doesn't change that instance of self-doubt.  Will he still love mouse the same as always, will she become imbalanced and horrible to be around?  Would we just slip into vanilla slumber and become bored with each other?

Most importantly: How on earth will mouse ever feel contained without being beaten once in a while with his whip?  Could she really be happy without her trips to subspace she craved?  What if we continued the previous path and mouse was really harmed by him during a sadistic rage, what would become of her trust then?

Yes, those things were all about mouse.  Of course she understood that it had to end - for Daddy's health and well being, as well as her own safety, but endings deserve a period of mourning as well.  And yes, mouse was sad to see it all dismantled, every bit as much as she was worried about what the future might bring us.  Those thoughts tho, she kept to herself and very private, because Daddy had enough to be concerned with.

So, while outwardly mouse put on the brave face and soldiered on for her Daddy, inwardly she wondered and worried, and pined away.  During the first days of all that change, simply trusting him inwardly wasn't enough.  In the end the fears diminished until they simply dissapated like fog.  Daddy could really contain mouse without so much as lifting more than his eyebrow.  He does it artfully with his words, the way he walks and silkiness of his tone or the abrupt harshness of his voice.  The way he places his hand on the small of her back, guiding still through busy streets.  He truly guides her through life and trust, well it's there, but most importantly it's internal trust and external.

It's true mouse does feel real pangs of guilt ever doubting Daddy, eventually we talked about those fears that mouse had.  Daddy said they were completely valid and wished mouse had shared them with him at the time.  He was also quick to realize there was nothing he could do about them.  There was nothing he could say that would make them disappear, because mouse is human and that's very much human nature.  No, in the end mouse had to wait, to be still and patient and see where things led.  To see where Daddy led her and how she felt about it all.

Imagine her surprise when they led to something even better than she dreamed.   Better than Daddy imagined.

8 comments:

  1. "Trust is wonderful but it doesn't always remove all fear." -So true! No matter how much you trust someone you still have to make your own internal journey to find your own thoughts and feelings about it -as you say yourself; yo have to allow yourself to grieve before you let go and move on. Changes -especially of this magnitude!- are scary and causes worry and concern -otherwise it wouldn't be much of a change.

    "The Story of O(mega)and His mouse" is quite a story, one I feel privileged to follow.

    Hugs,
    NTTL.

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  2. ISn't it wondeful when things turn out better than we expect or imagine! Trust is such a biggie, but cannot be forced. abby

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  3. God, mouse your words moved me. So many people thing we should just hand out trust and that it's always there.
    But it's more than that. Time, consistency and action alone will help you gain that trust and most importantly keep it going.

    Hugs,
    Alujna
    (I'm very glad you are in a better place now :) )

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  4. Oh mouse, you put it so well,the distiction between inner and outer trust. I was trying to write about this today, but I didn't express the concept anywhere as well as you did.
    I agree with NTTL, your story is one I'm priviledged to follow. You share it so gracefully.

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  5. This is beautiful, mouse. I thoroughly enjoy your blog because you are so real and so candid. You are a brave mouse, that's for sure.
    I learn so much from you.

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  6. I loved it! thank you mouse, you explain it so well~! thank you so much for sharing!

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  7. I had a feeling things would turn out better for you both in the long run, but I certainly understood your fears. I mean change is never easy and this was a BIG change. And you're right... it's something that can only be fixed over time... and being able to see how the changes are affecting the relationship. Nothing anyone can say would ease it.

    And truly... trusting someone has your best interest at heart and trusting a circumstance will end well is two completely different things. It's not a lack of trust in him... it's a lack of trust in the circumstance. At least that's how I see it... because I mean... doesn't matter how "powerful" someone is... they can't control the outcome of everything.

    *hugs*

    turiya

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  8. So happy for you both.
    hugs
    heather1

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