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Monday, January 7, 2013

Big Yellow Taxi

Daddy is away for a few days and things are difficult without him here -- don't misunderstand we're fine, everything running smoothly; mouse is maintaining to her routines and rituals. It's just not easy this time. What was that phrase Daddy said once? "We are intrinsically connected." When he's away, mouse can feel him -- it sounds or seems odd. Last time he went away, mouse felt relief. Well, not relief but was looking forward to the break in routine. This time the exact opposite is true.

Each morning mouse sends him a text message, begging permission to begin the day -- he already picked out all the clothes for the time he's away. He thoroughly knows mouse's schedule, but if she needs to leave for another reason -- that isn't an emergency he's a text message away, just as if he were working just a few miles from home. He answers as quickly as possible with a yes or no.

The time difference makes it nearly impossible for "alone" time, but he can participate with dinner time and interact, listening to the kids and sharing stories of his travels. It's not the same, or close to being good enough -- but it is what it is. He knows mouse is dependent on him completely -- he knows this was part of it. We both did and came into it with our eyes wide open. So the feelings and emotions mouse is feeling are completely normal -- but that doesn't make it any easier. This is what mouse needs, to be tethered to his side (yes, the chains are mental -- but they feel very real).

All the anxiety she's been working so hard to control, feels like its returned, but honestly, like Daddy pointed out this morning on the phone, the highest it's been is 4 or sometimes 5. That's much better than it was when it hovered around 6 all the time, with spikes that went much higher. Naturally the children provide a good, healthy distraction. Still, nighttime is the hardest part. Pillows are bundled, stacked around mouse to trick her into thinking Daddy is here with her. It's no substitute for the real thing, but it does help a little.

Last night although mouse meditated, her mind was floating and the feelings of very strong inner peace soothed her. This morning that centered feeling although diminished, still mostly remains. Then Daddy sent a text requiring mouse to remain plugged most of the day. Can she just say how incredibly grateful she was for that directive? Even now, as she's typing she can feel it lulling her into that submissive headspace she's come to love. Yet, her feelings for Daddy are far stronger.

Song selection: Big Yellow Taxi; Joni Mitchell

9 comments:

  1. I agree its the nights that are the worst, the bossman travels away with work a fair bit and im still at the point like you mentioned in the beginning where i take little pleasures in being able to do things im not generally permitted to do without permission when he is home (but that im allowed to do when he is away)...and its really silly things like watching what he calls trashy tv ie celeb programs and reality shows...which he rarely allows on.

    What i do is try to arrange a girly night in with friends, to have something to plan and to look forward to, perhaps if Omega is away again that might help just a little?

    x

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    1. Trashy TV for Rose is Mexican soaps, whenever I catch sight of the screen there are crying women on it. That's what she likes. Not enough drama in real life, I guess.

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    2. I used to follow a couple soaps/dramas before i moved in with the bossman but he doesnt like them either (but he isnt a complete meanie, he bought me the entire up-to-date series of Criminal Minds for Christmas which i love lol) but I think Malcolm its escapism, well it is for me, complete mind-numbing escapism.

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  2. This was a very nice post.
    I'm happy that you are maintaining your connection as much as you can

    and we're always happy to hear from our mouse

    sfp

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  3. Nighttime is hard...after kids go to sleep - when it's quiet...sleep. Ugh. I love that he had you stay plugged. That does such a wonderful job of calming me and centering me...grounding me. It is wonderful that you can text often and stay in contact. He takes good care of you - even when he is away.

    I hope the trip ends quickly and you can return to his side, where you belong!

    hugs,
    ~fiona

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  4. sending positive thoughts and hugs till his return!

    ~faithful

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  5. Thanks for this post, mouse. Another very interesting window into a different life. Humans do invent some fun stuff with these different lifestyles.

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  6. tears and hugs..heres to making the best of it in any situation
    Starshine

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