Big Yellow Taxi

Daddy is away for a few days and things are difficult without him here -- don't misunderstand we're fine, everything running smoothly; mouse is maintaining to her routines and rituals. It's just not easy this time. What was that phrase Daddy said once? "We are intrinsically connected." When he's away, mouse can feel him -- it sounds or seems odd. Last time he went away, mouse felt relief. Well, not relief but was looking forward to the break in routine. This time the exact opposite is true.

Each morning mouse sends him a text message, begging permission to begin the day -- he already picked out all the clothes for the time he's away. He thoroughly knows mouse's schedule, but if she needs to leave for another reason -- that isn't an emergency he's a text message away, just as if he were working just a few miles from home. He answers as quickly as possible with a yes or no.

The time difference makes it nearly impossible for "alone" time, but he can participate with dinner time and interact, listening to the kids and sharing stories of his travels. It's not the same, or close to being good enough -- but it is what it is. He knows mouse is dependent on him completely -- he knows this was part of it. We both did and came into it with our eyes wide open. So the feelings and emotions mouse is feeling are completely normal -- but that doesn't make it any easier. This is what mouse needs, to be tethered to his side (yes, the chains are mental -- but they feel very real).

All the anxiety she's been working so hard to control, feels like its returned, but honestly, like Daddy pointed out this morning on the phone, the highest it's been is 4 or sometimes 5. That's much better than it was when it hovered around 6 all the time, with spikes that went much higher. Naturally the children provide a good, healthy distraction. Still, nighttime is the hardest part. Pillows are bundled, stacked around mouse to trick her into thinking Daddy is here with her. It's no substitute for the real thing, but it does help a little.

Last night although mouse meditated, her mind was floating and the feelings of very strong inner peace soothed her. This morning that centered feeling although diminished, still mostly remains. Then Daddy sent a text requiring mouse to remain plugged most of the day. Can she just say how incredibly grateful she was for that directive? Even now, as she's typing she can feel it lulling her into that submissive headspace she's come to love. Yet, her feelings for Daddy are far stronger.

Song selection: Big Yellow Taxi; Joni Mitchell