The Pages Start to Yellow

Yesterday morning, mouse woke with  a song in her head and string of words.   By the time she dressed and began her morning routine of making coffee -- the string of words were gone but the song remained.  The feelings remained too even if the exact words didn't.  Not sure if this is odd or not, but mouse rarely dreams about Daddy.   In fact if she were to guess, she might dream of George Clooney more.  

This isn't a slight against Daddy (at least she doesn't mean it to be), but she doesn't need to dream about him, it's his body she's entwined with in our bed.   His arms around mouse throughout the night, holding onto her sometimes tightly.  It's protective and it's taken mouse more than a couple years getting used to it.  His body is like  furnace.   During the warmer months, she will wriggle away from him, trying to find the balance, sometimes he'll pull her toward him.  Is he asleep?  Maybe, who knows.  Then his body again overheats her, and she'll wriggle away again...and again looking for the balance.  To be close enough we can feel each other, yet far enough away,  that his body heat doesn't overwhelm mouse.   When it's really warm or dare she say hot inside our room, we tend to repel like two magnets turned the wrong way.  

During the winter or spring, or fall it's not so much of an issue.  

When Daddy does creep into her dreams, it's more likely to be a punishment dream, where mouse does something really stupid -- really like something she'd never do in real life and receives a harsh punishment.  More often it's that he's left her.  Not like away on a trip but really left her...like he's died or just lost to her.   

Those dreams are the most disturbing.   Sometimes she'll move in the bed and Daddy will pull her tightly to him.  He'll touch her hair and soothe her.  Sometimes he'll whisper into her ear...which plays out in the dream...and adds this freaky quality to it.  Usually mouse will just wake up.  Other times tho, she'll try to take control of the dream, directing it to where she wants it to go.  

Of course, leading her straight to him.    

Daddy is omnipresent in her life, looming larger than life to her and she thinks or hopes that comes across here in the blog.   That through the good and bad times,  the happy and sad times, we strive to remain a unit.  Our own version of perfection that's not for anyone else to live up to.  Or to even desire.  At times we feel hopelessly mismatched, but what mouse lacks, Daddy provides and it cuts both ways for us.  

Daddy said once that mouse helped him heal.  At the time it made mouse uncomfortable -- it was like having too much responsibility.   But now, several years later, mouse understands what he meant by it.  We are very close and intrinsically joined.   

But really he's helped her just as much.  

Now, Daddy would just end it by saying we feed each other well.  

Song Selection: Longer