Last night, well not really just last night, as the feelings rumbled throughout the day. It wasn't a bad day, in fact it was pretty regular. Chasing down children...cleaning up, cooking dinner. Yet this was this deep feeling of unsettledness that seemed to penetrate every molecule in mouse's body. Triggers are strange things, hitting you when you least expect them. It really is like stepping on a land mine, the click...The feelings of "oh shit," and then...boom.
During dinner mouse was quiet, very much so. Didn't really engage much in small talk or any talk. After dinner instead of letting kiddo handle the clean up, mouse just did it herself -- truthfully it wasn't much and didn't take very long.
We don't want to acknowledge them. A trigger more often that not, forces mouse to acknowledge something deep within her that she just doesn't want to deal with. Daddy was watching mouse tho, and saw her very clearly. When she returned downstairs, Daddy called her into his study and told her to sit quietly, she was free to work on her knitting or some other activity but he wanted her close by. His study felt confining to mouse painfully so, but did it anyway.
At some point, he called mouse to his feet and unzipped his trousers. Honestly at that point pleasuring Daddy orally was the furthest thing from her mind because mouse too busy puzzling. In truth, she might have sighed even, but quickly finished the row and set down the knitting.
His musky scent filled her nostrils and soon she was lost a little, yet her thoughts never really left her entirely in fact she was still thinking about why now...why was bothering her sooo much now? The blowjob was hardly adequate, and soon Daddy grabbed a handful of hair and forced himself deeper into her mouth, controlling her pace...tears were welling in her eyes as he came.
Daddy knows. He always knows what bothers mouse and if he doesn't he can figure it out quickly. After fixing his trousers, he led mouse upstairs to our bedroom and sat on the chaise lounge in the corner. He told mouse to undress. There was a hesitation from mouse and he repeated the command, in a more exacting tone that told mouse, comply.
He stood for a moment, walked to the drawer and pulled out the small box that holds the clamps...and mouse whimpered. Really? Now?
He applied them tightly to her nipples and sat back down. He pulled the chain to force mouse, more or less, over his knee and spanked her hard with his hand. Not sure how long he spanked mouse, but it felt like forever and mouse didn't cry. Refused to cry.
When the levee finally broke and tears fell, the emptiness mouse felt vanished. It was replaced with a new understanding. What really bothered, she was able to voice later, was the fact she felt arrogant or vain over doing so well lately and felt so thoroughly healed that when the trigger was felt, it was met with this disbelief. Are we really back to this?!
No, we're not, Daddy reminded mouse that she's still light years better than she was before and that there was so much she's learned. Then he asked for her to give him her fears...All of them that she could name at that moment. He replaced it with his love and control. Something changed within mouse...giving it up, surrendering to the fears and letting it go was cathartic. He loosely bound mouse's wrists together and undressed for bed. Then he wrapped his body around hers and claimed it as his. Reminding her of choice and his love.
Today, while mouse still feels a tad unsettled those feelings have greatly diminished. Like a weight has been lifted and it feels wonderful.
Thank you Daddy for understanding what mouse needed and taking control and insisting.
Song Selection: When the Levee Breaks; Led Zeppelin