Last night, well not really just last night, as the feelings rumbled throughout the day. It wasn't a bad day, in fact it was pretty regular. Chasing down children...cleaning up, cooking dinner. Yet this was this deep feeling of unsettledness that seemed to penetrate every molecule in mouse's body. Triggers are strange things, hitting you when you least expect them. It really is like stepping on a land mine, the click...The feelings of "oh shit," and then...boom.
During dinner mouse was quiet, very much so. Didn't really engage much in small talk or any talk. After dinner instead of letting kiddo handle the clean up, mouse just did it herself -- truthfully it wasn't much and didn't take very long.
We don't want to acknowledge them. A trigger more often that not, forces mouse to acknowledge something deep within her that she just doesn't want to deal with. Daddy was watching mouse tho, and saw her very clearly. When she returned downstairs, Daddy called her into his study and told her to sit quietly, she was free to work on her knitting or some other activity but he wanted her close by. His study felt confining to mouse painfully so, but did it anyway.
At some point, he called mouse to his feet and unzipped his trousers. Honestly at that point pleasuring Daddy orally was the furthest thing from her mind because mouse too busy puzzling. In truth, she might have sighed even, but quickly finished the row and set down the knitting.
His musky scent filled her nostrils and soon she was lost a little, yet her thoughts never really left her entirely in fact she was still thinking about why now...why was bothering her sooo much now? The blowjob was hardly adequate, and soon Daddy grabbed a handful of hair and forced himself deeper into her mouth, controlling her pace...tears were welling in her eyes as he came.
Daddy knows. He always knows what bothers mouse and if he doesn't he can figure it out quickly. After fixing his trousers, he led mouse upstairs to our bedroom and sat on the chaise lounge in the corner. He told mouse to undress. There was a hesitation from mouse and he repeated the command, in a more exacting tone that told mouse, comply.
He stood for a moment, walked to the drawer and pulled out the small box that holds the clamps...and mouse whimpered. Really? Now?
He applied them tightly to her nipples and sat back down. He pulled the chain to force mouse, more or less, over his knee and spanked her hard with his hand. Not sure how long he spanked mouse, but it felt like forever and mouse didn't cry. Refused to cry.
When the levee finally broke and tears fell, the emptiness mouse felt vanished. It was replaced with a new understanding. What really bothered, she was able to voice later, was the fact she felt arrogant or vain over doing so well lately and felt so thoroughly healed that when the trigger was felt, it was met with this disbelief. Are we really back to this?!
No, we're not, Daddy reminded mouse that she's still light years better than she was before and that there was so much she's learned. Then he asked for her to give him her fears...All of them that she could name at that moment. He replaced it with his love and control. Something changed within mouse...giving it up, surrendering to the fears and letting it go was cathartic. He loosely bound mouse's wrists together and undressed for bed. Then he wrapped his body around hers and claimed it as his. Reminding her of choice and his love.
Today, while mouse still feels a tad unsettled those feelings have greatly diminished. Like a weight has been lifted and it feels wonderful.
Thank you Daddy for understanding what mouse needed and taking control and insisting.
Song Selection: When the Levee Breaks; Led Zeppelin
16 comments:
We do heal. But even healing can leave scars -- and there are times when the scars can ache. I am glad that you have Omega there when you are in need, lost, and aching. It seems you are right where you should be.
hugs, swan
Aww mouse...those triggers are always scary. So glad Omega watches so closely, tho I've never doubted.
Hugs mouse,
mg
Sorry things came back to haunt you mouse but glad your Daddy was on top of it. We have that in common and are both very lucky for it.
This got to me..not in a horrible way..i dont know it just made me burst into tears and i cant quite explain why...most likely because im not in a good place at the moment.
Its your last sentence i think that i keep going back to, im not feeling thankful, i dont want him making me confront my feelings, i dont want to talk and he wont let it go and thats causing a battle that i know i wont win....usually im comforted by the fact that he takes control and the stupid thing is i know it will be easier just to let it out.
I just want him to make everything right again, i want him to hurt me a lot because that will give me relief, i want to be hurting physically because that distracts me from the real issues, but he wont, and im getting stressy because he wont, anything but talking feelings/thoughts and yeah i know thats unrealistic.
It seems that when things are going really well and has been for a while that there is this uneasiness that sneaks in and it appears to come out of nowhere!
x
Thank you swan and thank you so much for all your words of kindness. You are an inspiration to mouse (really should be saying this on your blog and will soon).
<3 and hugs,
mouse
mg...thank you and yes, mouse is very grateful!
dancing...we do and we are!
Hugs
tori,
First mouse is sorry that you're going through such a hard time, if ever you need an ear outside of the blog, please...you know mouse's email. Sometimes our emotions do get out of whack, and their control helps bring us back. Sometimes, tho, it's not enough and we need to be heard and fears assuaged. Often we do use pain as a way of getting out of feeling or dealing and it becomes a coping mechism. But eventually whatever must be attended to and dealt with -- like swan said about the scars.
That said, hopefully things will improve you for you.
Much love and many hugs,
mouse
I've followed for a while now without commenting... But this moved me so much. Your self-awareness and openness is inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story. :-)
@advisor54 Please note for future reference, I moderate all comments and remarks on this journal and mouse does not see them, unless they are published. I did not publish your remarks, as mouse would find them distressing.
I will offer you a small explanation, When mouse closes down, it quickly turns into depression, which is unhealthy for her. By my actions, seemingly unsupportive to you, were immensely helpful to mouse. What I did, is let her know that she cannot hide from me. I will not allow her to construct walls, which serve no purpose, save for cutting out the very people who love and need her most.
I have worked incredibly hard to create a space where mouse feels safe sharing her thoughts with me or on the pages of this journal and I will not allow the hard work to be undermined by you or anyone else. Understand this, mouse is my life and my world. Her physical and mental health are most precious to me.
Regards,
Omega
I am with tori and Paloma, mouse, it made me cry heartily as well.
Then he asked for her to give him her fears...All of them that she could name at that moment. He replaced it with his love and control
I struggle with old fears, too, mouse. I know that Daddy is not them, but the reactions I fear are all I have known ... until him. Sometimes that little voice of fear and insecurity wells up, sometimes my rational self can counter it, a lot of times the little voice grows and consumes rational me. Those are the times I struggle with giving myself over too, what am I holding onto? I don't know it sure doesn't feel good.
It is at these times, that I am grateful that my Daddy, like yours, sees me and what I need and does the hard work of bringing me back. I don't know what I would do without him.
You made my day, thank you mouse, you wrote just what I needed.
http://arastoryboard.blogspot.nl/2013/03/today.html
This is so beautiful! To have a master understand your needs and love you to no end. You are one lucky girl, but I am sure you already know that!
Thank you June!
Hugs,
mouse
Thank you for the mention.
Hugs,
mouse
Well if mouse didn't then she certainly does now. LOL
Thank you.
Hugs,
mouse
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